Forgot/blocked out

I forgot to mention that Saturday night I had my second fit of rage in a week.  Tuki our Senegal parrot doesn’t like me very much.  When we first got him, he used to let me handle him any way I wanted.  Then a few years ago, I made the mistake of trying to trim his nails.  I trimmed too far and hurt him, ever since then he has become very attached to Ali and tolerates me.  One of his favorite tricks is to turn his head and quickly bite me when I was rubbing his head, so I stopped rubbing his head.

Well Saturday night we had him out of his cage.  We were ready to get to bed but Tuki was still out.  Most of the time when I put fresh food in his crock, he will come back inside and know that it is bed time.  When he doesn’t that means he is unhappy and it will be a battle.  Normally what happens is he will step up on your finger and then as you are putting him back in he will bite it.  It hurts but I can deal with it.  Well Saturday night I attempted to retrieve him, he stepped up on my finger and bit it, hard.  I held him up and scolded him loudly, as I went to put him in, he bit it again, HARDER.  The little f’r drew blood.  I angrily shoved him into his cage, threatening him.  I held my fist (which is as big as him) in front of him, telling him he better knock it the F off.  Again, from inside the cage, he lunges at me.  Well I lost it.  I punch his swing, sending him flying off of it.  The follow through breaks the wooden perch inside it.  I fought the urge right below the surface to grab the bird and break it’s neck.  Nothing will turn me into a raging lunatic faster than someone/thing physically assaulting me.  I grabbed the broken perch off the bottom of the cage and hit the swing again, hard, making a huge commotion and scaring the bird to death.

Tuki retreated to the back/top perch as I removed the broken perch and slammed his door shut, still yelling at him.  Ali happened to be in the shower for all of this, luckily.  I showed her my bloody finger and confessed I almost killed the bird.  Ali now yelled at me.  I was still brimming with anger but soon I settled down and felt bad for my actions.  The next day I retrieved the broken pieces and glued his perch back together.  He is still freaked out.  Since the incident, he won’t come down to his food bowl to retrieve the peanuts I normally give him.  He seems scared to go back onto his repaired perch.  Perhaps he is afraid it will attack him again.  I feel like a heel but hopefully in a few days he will forget, but I doubt it.  This part of my personality that is normally dormant for months or years at a time is a scary thing.

I just got some very sad news.  Alison’s grandfather died this morning.  Ali is very upset and I will be flying up to PA with her when we hear of the funeral arrangements.  In the grand scheme of things, I know it is better this way, Pop Pop was no longer living a life that was worth living.  He was fortunate to be more or less fully active for almost his entire adult life. Up until a year or so ago, he was still driving and going out to eat every day.  It was his time.  I will miss him.  In a way he filled in for my own grandfather whom passed away years ago.