Jets?????
I can’t believe Brett Favre would agree to be traded to the Jets. WTF??? They were 4-12 last year. Why come out of retirement to play for a scrub team? This was entered via my Ipod Touch using the native WordPress app.
Email forward classic
Most have seen some variation of this list but it still makes me laugh.
How to Poop at Work
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it.
We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where i t came from. Be careful when you do this.
Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREA K* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.
Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and tries to force the door open.
This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.
This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by a n Escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever…Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.
It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there.
How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING… POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
See ya in a week
My brother and sis fly in tomorrow afternoon for 6 days. I’m sure it will be jam packed with lots of activities. It will be interesting to see the dynamic of having the whole crew together at once.
Yesterday during the day Ali put my mower repair to the test mowing the area around the house. She said it worked well. I planned to follow up by weed whacking after work but constant rain washed those plans away.
Since this will be my last gym visit for roughly a week, I plan to do another 300, the second one in three days. I NEVER have attempted doing a second 300 with only one day in between. I figure it will be good prep for the 1500. My chest is sore as hell from the combination of Monday’s 300 and doing chest/back yesterday, this will be interesting.
I am taking all of tomorrow off even though everyone doesn’t show up until later in the afternoon. During the day tomorrow I want to shampoo the carpet so it is nice and spiffy for our company.
So Brett Favre actually reported to Green Bay and now it seems that he officially will not be playing for them. The only question that remains is where he will wind up. I really think he has come out of this looking like a spoiled diva. It’s like he thinks the Packers should have known that he wasn’t serious when he announced his retirement and should have not made plans to move forward without him. It really makes no sense. So now at 38 years old he instead will find himself thrown onto another team with a new system in a foreign environment. I’m sure he will have a big chip on his shoulder all season although I don’t really feel it is justified. To me it is akin to quitting your job and then getting pissed off that your employer doesn’t welcome you back if the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Tough shit, it’s a risk you take.
Belted
The replacement belt for the tractor showed up yesterday. After work I pulled the tractor out front and started the work. After forgetting how the belts were routed I pulled out the owner’s manual to help me. I got everything hooked back up and hopped on the mower to give it a try. I held my breath as I pulled the knob. The blades spun to life but I immediately felt a vibration from the mower deck that seemed out of the ordinary. So I park the mower again and rip the mower deck out to reinspect everything. I tightened up one of the tension pulleys and rerouted all of the belts. I put it back together again and hit the blades. It felt better although it still seemed to vibrate more than I remember, I may just be paranoid.
We have gotten dumped on with rain again the past few days to the point where we have substantial standing water. The rain is welcomed, our area really has needed it. However I wish it could let up for a bit so our property doesn’t look like a swamp while my family is visiting. A couple rain free days is all that should be needed to suck the excess water back into the ground.
I have to be honest, I’m not real happy with Obama shifting around his energy policies in what seems a pretty transparent move to just cater to voters. The polls say brainless lemmings like McSame pushing for offshore oil drilling so now Obama has hedged his stance towards it as well as being open to pulling oil from the national reserves. I don’t like that. It’s a tough situation because the bottom line is we have to get Obama into the White House if we want any chance of things changing direction. Are we better off if he holds rigidly to his original positions if it means that the republican spin machine manages to steal yet another election away? No, that would be a disaster. Politics is such a dirty game. I wish I just wouldn’t care about it.
After the 2004 election where John Kerry TROUNCED Bush in every single debate, coming off as a much more intelligent, well informed, progressive individual and STILL lost. I just have no faith in the American public to be brave enough to do anything but the status quo, even if that means running us right into a brick wall.
Bose Bust
I forgot to mention that I got my Ebay Bose Lifestyle 25 head unit on Friday. I quickly hooked it up and turned it on. I wanted to verify that it indeed fixed the cut out problem I had with my receiver. My jaw almost hit the ground when after about 10 minutes it too cut out!! Well this was bad. What it meant was the problem has to actually be in the subwoofer unit, shit. So now I have to try to resell this spare head unit. Instead of dicking around trying to buy a used sub on Ebay I decided to just bite the bullet and send my system into Bose for factory repair. For $225 they fix anything that is wrong, send it back to you and the repaired unit has a one year warranty. It’s less money and less hassle than any of my other options. Bose even is sending me a box for free to send the unit back in.
Stuff
langolier
Not feeling verbose. Watched a few movies over the weekend. The first one was 21, a blackjack movie. It was a good flick, even for someone that doesn’t like black jack. B+ Also saw Never Back Down which was sort of a modern day Karate Kid type movie. Instead of karate, the sport is MMA. The storyline is strikingly similar to KK. The lead in this flick looks amazingly like a young Tom Cruise. He even acts and talks like him to a degree. It’s a good guy movie, I enjoyed it, another B+ I recorded Langoliers on the Tivo the other week and got around to watching that as well. I forgot just how freaky that movie is. The special effects are embarrassingly bad but it didn’t really matter. Bronson Pinchot’s character steals the movie. It’s very corny in parts but I still enjoyed watching it for the third or forth time. I’ve often joked to Ali that Mary Murphy from “So You Think You Can Dance” reminds me of a langolier. She has a huge mouth jammed full of monsterous teeth.
Mary Murphy
The replacement belt for the tractor has not shown up yet so we didn’t mow. I still grabbed the weed whacker and went along the inside and outside of the entire fence line since it needed it. Saturday night we stopped over at mom’s place. On the way we stopped at Tijuana Flats and grabbed food for everyone. Mom had a few things she needed me to do. It was a quick visit as Nicki started being rather persistent about her need for us to make her supper. I figured it was no big deal since I will be seeing tons of mom when my brother and sister arrive later in the week.
Over the past couple weeks I grabbed a replacement battery pack for my one RC radio as well as a new pack for my Sky Scooter that I use for aerial photography. On Sunday I was ready to try it. I loaded everything up and launched the plane. The new battery has a lot of power so it easily powered the plane up to altitude. I started flicking the switch the fires off the camera. Then I noticed that the plane was not reacting very smoothly to my controls. I dropped it in altitude and saw in horror the camera dangling below it. Evidently I didn’t press it into the velcro hard enough. Well I certainly didn’t want the camera to drop off and smash on the ground below, it was specially modified by my rc buddy that moved away, replacing it would not be possible. So I quickly brought the plane down. I got somewhat lucky, it wound up touching down in a ditch with high grass that helped pad the landing. The camera appeared to survive. Unfortunately I discovered that the memory card was full so I didn’t get any in the air shots. It started to rain shortly afterward so I had to postpone any more aerial photography.
My mom swooped in and saved me from seeing Mama Mia. She contacted Ali and told her that she and a co-worker of hers wanted to see it. I was very grateful. Ali said the movie was very good and everyone liked it. I forgot to ask her how many penises were in the audience.
I got the full treatment from the dentist today. I had full x-rays, a gum test where they poke your gums along the teeth to measure depth, an oral cancer screening as well as the conventional scraping, flossing and cleaning. No cavities. Visits to the dentist are much less stressful than they used to be. I used to fear them like the end of summer.
Blind leading the blind, activesync HTML email with Exchange 2003? YES just add Apple.
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So at the gym today my one gym buddy directs me to the back corner where there are three women working out. Two of them are younger, one obviously has 20 years on the other two. The older woman had hair like Judith Light, the sitcom staple from the 80’s and early 90’s. She evidently was the “trainer”. She carried a tape measure around her neck during the entire session, evidently to take her clients measurements. The funny thing was this woman looked like the only thing she was trained to do was sit on the couch. She was built like a giant pear. Her clients were in better shape then she was.
Well that was funny and all but then we got to watch her put these poor girls through some exercises. Every single thing she showed them was incorrect. She was showing them bad to borderline dangerous form on each exercise. I can only imagine how much she is charging for her services. I’d like to see her training certification that she bought from ebay.
When I got Ali the Treo 750 with Windows Mobile 6 one of the neato things I was looking forward to was her being able to read her HTML formatted email on the unit to save her time. Well I was pissed to find out that MSFT would only support this if you were running Exchange 2007 on your back end. I am running Exchange 2003. To me it is a sneaky way to coerce upgrades. So I had to just live with it. Well I was thrilled to find out that the Apple Touch 2.0 update supports Exchange Activesync natively. Not only does it support it, it lets you read HTML email! It seems ironic to me that in order to cash in on what Windows Mobile promised, I need to use an Apple product.
Touched
I have been still messing with the Ipod Touch over the last few days. I have been quite impressed with the apps available through the Itunes app. However there is a whole other world out there if you are willing to take it a step further and “jailbreak” your device. Jailbreaking an Iphone or Ipod Touch involves dumping a custom version of firmware that lets your device out of the “jail” of Apple control, allowing you to install apps from anywhere, not just through Itunes. I am enjoying what I can already do on the Touch so I am not going to try to jail break it just yet. I’ll save that project for a rainy day.
Last night my project was trimming up the cabbage palm behind the pool cage. There were a bunch of dead and/or hanging fronds. This tree has grown to be VERY tall. Thank goodness the pole saw extends a good 15 feet or so. It took a good 40 minutes until I lopped off everything I wanted to.
This weekend will be busy prepping for the arrival of my brother and sister and their respective families. I also will be running over to mom’s place to put together a crib thing as well as drop off our big folding table to be used for the big family dinner she has planned.
The other day Ali said she might go see Mama Mia by herself on one of her days off during the week. I immediately felt bad by the thought of her going to the movies alone and offered up if she wanted to see the movie bad enough to go alone that I would bite the bullet and go with her. Yes I know this movie is 180 degrees in the opposite direction of the sort of movie I would enjoy but I’m willing to do it since Ali routinely accompanies me to see things get blown up.