Archives October 2015

Yesterday Cindy had an audition at Orange Theory Fitness.  It was sort of like an actor trying out for a part except instead of memorizing lines she had to memorize a routine that she performed in front of a group of people. Cindy was EXTREMELY nervous going in despite my assurances that she would do well.  I have seen her shoot her videos for her YouTube channel, once she gets rolling she comes off quite well.

I was very happy when she texted me later reporting that things indeed went quite well.  I told her I was proud of her for going through with the audition, despite her anxiety about it.  She did the hard thing which is how you grow.

Yesterday I had my own situation where I made a hard decision to discontinue my services as the timer for the running club, a role I have served for 8-9 years.  As a courtesy to the club I offered to continue my duties until the end of January which will get them through the next 8 races, including three of the largest events they conduct.  Of course if they elect to replace me before that time they are welcome to do so.

The decision is related to the events of the last 18 months that have included incidents of personal tragedy with my mom unexpectedly passing away and the recent passing of Nicki.  I have given a lot of thought about the importance of quality of life and removing yourself from situations that detract from that wherever possible.

I have documented some of my issues I have had with my club responsibilities here but for the most part leave it out of public consumption.  The details really are not all that important at this point. The bottom line is I don’t enjoy what I am doing, I don’t need to do it, and I don’t want to do it anymore so I asked myself, “Why are you doing it?”

The answer until yesterday to that question goes back to my long history as a people pleaser where I put the expectations and desires of others in front of my own under some deluded sense of obligation.  It’s the martyr part of my personality which is something my mom also had, which she exhibited in different ways.

So anyway, I sent out my letter last night and basically heard nothing back except for one friend on the board, which I suppose is not surprising.  Tomorrow I am timing a 5K for the club so I am sure there will be plenty of opportunity for awkwardness there although that is not my desire at all.  All things run their course.  I am looking forward to seeing the finish line of this part of my life and starting again with a fresh perspective, filled more with things I prefer to be doing.

Yesterday was an abnormally dreary day in SW Florida with gray skies and rain that persisted pretty much all day long.  Sure rain in Florida is very common but it normally comes in brief, intense bursts with plenty of sunshine sandwiching it.

Last night I caught a decent portion of the third republican presidential debate.  What I saw was not all that exciting.  There was less interaction between the candidates, it seemed like more of a Q&A session although some of the Q’s were kind of funny.

I found it entertaining watching Marco Rubio dance around two issues, his worst in the Senate attendance record and his personal financial problems that evidently were bad enough that he liquidated a retirement account, taking a huge penalty for doing so.   He obviously had well rehearsed non-answers for these questions where he skipped the question and redirected into circulatory bullshit that went nowhere.

Carly Fiorina continues to annoy the shit out of me.  I suppose since she is a woman somebody has coached her that butting in and forcing yourself into mic time is a good way to show she is assertive and a leader.  I literally cringe as she speaks.  The woman blinks non-stop.  I dare you to try to count how many times she blinks a minute. I think she comes off as terribly unlikable, something some media outlets would dispute.

Trump, who is all about appearance, needs to work on his.  He looked bad with his hair in a condition worse than normal combined with his very pig-like skin color.  I don’t expect him to be hanging around much longer as his vague, sweeping solutions to issues are starting to look more and more like vaporware. If somebody presses him for detail on an opinion Donald has a hard time answering back with much before he falls back on insults and bragging.  I did like that he called out super PACS for the evil that they are. I also think that despite my disagreement with a lot of his tactics/proposals, Trump actually is coming from a good place and wants to make the country better.  I appreciate a non-politician trying to drive a wedge into the stale and mostly impenetrable practices of American politics.

Mike Huckabee doubled down on his hypocritical war against “diabetes and heart disease”, stating that medicine needs to find a way to “cure” these diseases and in turn it would make health care infinitely more affordable.   The ignorance in this statement is atrocious.  Mike, who is easily 250lbs plus with a waist size surely in the mid 40’s, doesn’t realize the problem is people not being responsible for their health, not the lack of some magic vaccine to prevent obesity.  Get a clue, idiot.

Most of the other candidates had positive and negative moments but I would be hard pressed to identify who “won and lost”.  I drifted off during the closing statements, wishing we didn’t have 12 months of partisan hatred ahead of us.

The other day I was listening to one of the podcasts I listen to and heard one of the hosts describe how a good show host adds “texture” to what they are speaking about.  That adjective stuck with me.  Of course verbally, my texture is normally pretty flat. However I think my ability to apply “texture” while describing everyday thoughts and experiences via the written word is what I bring to the table.

After work last night I made a pit stop at the location for Saturday’s race.  This is a brand new race and venue which is always a dangerous combination.  I wanted to scout out the key locations prior to Saturday so I wasn’t walking in there blind.  One good thing about this race is they have the start and finish lines basically in the same spot which eliminates the hassle of having to haul ass between the two points on race day while lugging a timing box or laptop.

When I got home I wanted to pull the instrument cluster from the SSR so I could ship it to the guy who is going to replace my stepper motors.  The first part of the process was removing the front dash cover, something I have had to do many, many times with my stereo install adventures.  To get the instrument cluster out only required removing four 7MM screws, should be easy, right? Not.

The bottom two screws were easily accessible and I removed them in a few seconds.  The top two were another story.  They were located down behind the hood of the cluster in a way that would not allow for a socket to get onto them conventionally.  I messed around a good 15 minutes trying to come up with some combination that worked.  I noticed that even before I started the top screws were not tight, indicating to me somebody had the cluster out once before.  I finally got the bastards out using a socket hinge adapter I had laying around and an 8MM socket that allowed me to get some traction without being completely flush on the screw.  It was a royal pain in the ass.

The last hurdle was disconnecting the wire connector for the cluster in the back which required several attempts at various angles with increasing force until I broke it loose.  I left the tools and removed parts pretty much in place since the truck will be immobile until I get the cluster back.

Of course I shot video of the process which is linked to the image above.  After editing the footage I was not all that pleased with the quality of the video my new 1080P camcorder was putting out.  After looking at the settings I discovered it was because the default quality setting for the camera was only on the 2nd out of 4 levels.  The default setting creates smaller files which I guess might be good in some situations but not important in my case.  I cranked the quality all the way up to max so future shoots should be crystal clear.

Cindy and I watched this week’s Walking Dead episode last night.  When we finished we felt like our own guts were ripped out.  There was a very unexpected death of a character that was very upsetting.  The episode just had incredible action and suspense that made me think it was a season finale.  It is a crazy, crazy show. We followed up watching Homeland which appears to be on course for another excellent season as well.  The writers of that show are just fantastic.

We enjoyed the dvr’d content while eating a great homemade eggplant parm meal utilizing spaghetti squash as pasta, a super healthy, low calorie  substitute.  I am very lucky to have such a skilled chef under the roof.

Saturday morning Cindy and I decided to change venues for our run, skipping the track and instead heading down to the waterpark.  We wanted to run the loop around the perimeter of the park which is almost exactly 2 miles, my goal going in was two complete loops.  The park was quite busy as there appeared to be large soccer and baseball events going on simultaneously.

It didn’t take very long into the first lap for me to start reconsidering my 4 mile target distance.  I didn’t have any specific reason other than just an overall lack of comfort running.  I just have not gotten to the point that any distance of running actually feels “good”.  After the first lap we reversed direction and I told my inner voice that was encouraging me to stop early to shut up.  I chugged along and managed to complete the four miles, disliking every step of it.

Even though I have not really felt comfortable during any of my my running sessions since starting up again, I have been not having any significant post run aches and pains which is a good thing.  I just wish I could shake the old and slow feeling I have while doing it.

After the run we stopped and picked up Sadie for her visit.  When we got back home it did not take long for me to feel weird as I looked around the house.  It felt strange to have Sadie there without Nicki.  I stopped and stared at Nicki’s food stand, the South Dakota license plate we bought her on the road trip, her dog beds in the office/bedroom and even the spot by the end of the bed where she would often sleep with her head hidden under the dust ruffle.  Looking at these things and realizing they will never be as they once were was painful and felt tragically final. Although Sadie was mostly her happy self there were moments were it felt like she too was confused and sad that her long time companion was nowhere to be found.

Cindy and I kept busy Saturday afternoon working on various things.  The flag we had mounted on the chicken coop had been torn to shreds by the brutal Florida summer.  We replaced it with a higher quality flag that has mounts that should let it deal with the wind better.  We also relocated the main bird feeder pole.  Since the new chickens have been around they have been rather bullyish when it comes to the feeders.  Whenever regular birds would come in the chickens were very quick to chase them away.  It’s gotten to the point that the feeders were not even being used by the regular birds.

We moved them about 100 feet further back in the yard, hoping it would discourage the chickens and allow the smaller birds to eat in peace.  I think we also need to spend the extra money to get higher quality seed.  The stuff would have been using is very heavily made of cracked corn which the chickens love but not so much for smaller birds.

After moving the feeders we had some unexpected birds that appeared to appreciate the relocation, the huge sandhill cranes.  A family of three birds have been hanging around the house all week, much closer than they used to.  One of them got close enough to poke a hole in a window screen.  Well they hung by the feeders forever, tapping the feeders and poking at the ground endlessly.  Cindy and I love when they hang out on the property.

On Saturday night Cindy and I wanted to go see Bridge of Spies.  It was a nice night out so we decided to take the SSR.  When we were on Immokalee Road about 5 miles from the house I glanced at the gauges and saw something very disturbing, coolant temperature gauge was pinned to the right at 260 degrees (normal is 210).  Oh shit.

I had no idea what was wrong and the truck was running normally but a pegged temperature gauge is nothing to f with.  I did a U-turn as I flipped on the heat to full blast to help cool off the motor.  I babied the truck on the drive back and despite running the heat, the gauge never moved from the right.  I ran scenarios through my head as to what was going on.  The three that came to mind was a bad thermostat that was preventing coolant from entering the radiator, a bad temperature sending unit that was sending a bad reading or a failure of the electric cooling fan. When I pulled back into the garage I could hear the fan running so that ruled it out as a potential problem source.

Cindy assumed I was going to just say f it, lets stay home since we now wasted 15-20 minutes, meaning there was no way we would make it to the theater by the posted 7:45PM start time.  I told her I still wanted to go, counting on the 15-20 minutes of previews that normally lead up to each showing.  We hauled ass in the Prius and pulled into the parking lot a couple minutes after 8.  Even after grabbing a bottle of water and quickly hitting the bathroom we sat down literally just as the opening scene was starting, what luck.

I was having a very bad time with drowsiness, so much so that I walked back out to the concession stand and grabbed a small Coke and a box of Reeses Pieces, hoping the caffeine/sugar would help pry open my eyelids.  It did help but I still was fighting off drowsiness at various times.  My drowsiness was not a reflection of the movie which was A- quality.  The true life story regarding the tension at the height of the Cold War era was interesting and disturbing.  Existing during a time where mutual nuclear obliteration felt like a very real threat just seems impossible but it was very, very real.

On Sunday morning I did some more investigation into my apparent SSR overheating problem.  I turned the ignition to the detente right before starting the truck which initializes the gauges.  I saw that the coolant gauge was stuck in the middle at 210 degrees, even with the truck being stone cold.  It quickly became apparent that none of my initial ideas about the problem were correct.  This is a stepper motor issue, one of the many problems that are common in the SSR’s. (and other GM products of this era).  Basically the little motors that control the gauge needles in the instrument cluster are shitty and prone to failure.  A search of the SSR Fanatics forum revealed tons of instances of people getting these motors replaced.

That same search on the forum revealed there is a kind guy that is happy to perform the repair for owners for a very minimal fee if they pay for the parts and shipping.  If push came to shove I could probably do the entire repair myself but it involves soldering new motors in place, something I am not very skilled at.  I would rather have it done by somebody that is adept at it, especially if he is willing to do it at a heavily discounted rate.  My part of the process will still be a bit tedious as I will have to pull apart the dash and the instrument cluster to send it out to the guy for repair.

While this is being done I am going to have some further customization completed. I am having the factory black cluster face replaced with a silver face, matching the rest of the truck.  It will just one of the many tweaks I have done since taking ownership of the truck in 2011.

Late Sunday morning we hosted a bib making party  where we had a total of eight people (including us) peeling timing chips and affixing them to the back of the bibs for the the upcoming Thanksgiving race which utilizes custom bibs.  Cindy prepared a nice spread of food for everyone and the project was completed in around two hours, faster than we expected since there were roughly 3000 bibs to prepare. Our guests seemed to have a good time and the chickens were quite happy to meet them.  Cindy and I were both very grateful for the extra sets of hands.

Late in the afternoon I had the random urge to take Sadie for a walk over at Bird Rookery Swamp which is literally a couple miles from our front door.  When I suggested the idea to Cindy she was enthusiastic as well.

I used to take Nicki and Sadie there pretty regularly but had not done so in well over a year.  Nicki’s aging legs made each trip into the swamp slower and shorter.  The last time we went she was in obvious pain afterward so we stopped going. I thought Sadie would really like to go back.

The first thing I noticed when we pulled into the lot was they have been making improvements to the area.  They built a nice observation deck that extends over lake by the parking lot.  The second thing I noticed was how high the water level was after a very long and intense rainy season.  It was the most amount of water I could ever recall in the place.

As we headed in we talked to a couple that said there was a large gator near the start of the path and that a biker had told them he saw a number of gators as well.  We hoped to see a lot of these for ourselves.  Unfortunately we only had two baby gator sightings, neither of which exceeded four feet in length.

We did have a very cool wildlife sighting right before the turnaround point.  There were two young male deer hanging out in the shallow water nibbling away.  The one that was closest to us seemed remarkably calm in our presence, giving us a few casual glances in between mouthfulls.  In all my trips to the swamp I had never seen any deer up close and personal.

We only walked 1.25 miles into the trail before turning around.  Even with the weather conditions being pretty comfortable we could tell Sadie was tired, not used to extensive walking, something we hope to address more often.  On the way out she was the trailblazer, leading us most of the time by 10 feet or more.  On the walk back she gradually fell back, walking even or slightly behind us at times.  Even with being tired you could tell she had a fun time.

The Eagles played late for the second week in a row.  I was so tired I did not even make an effort to stay awake, drifting off for good in the 2nd quarter.  I awoke to find the conclusion I expected, the team lost to the Panthers with the offense underperforming once again.  This is a pattern I expect during the rest of the year, the team may pull off some wins against the lesser quality teams but won’t be able to hang with the playoff quality teams because the Eagles are not a playoff quality team.

There has been a lot of virtual and in person condolences directed our way in the last day regarding Nicki which of course are all greatly appreciated.  I tried to go about my day as normally as possible, I worked a full day (and then some), went to the gym and in general tried to keep my focus to non-Nicki things.  Of course I was not entirely successful in doing this and had multiple occasions where I closed my office door. I kept up that strategy last night, burying myself in Wow for a couple hours.

Last night we did finally hang a remnant of Nicki on the wall, a project that Cindy undertook several months ago.  It is the customization I did for the original dog deck back in 2004 where I used left over tile supplies to make a custom Nicki section.  It even contains her paw print.

When I resurfaced the deck awhile ago with composite decking I pulled this section out and sat it in the shed on a shelf where it resided for years untouched.  It’s years in the elements had broken the thin set into many sections.  It literally looked like a jig saw puzzle. The restoration Cindy did on it was pretty remarkable.  Neither of us had anticipated her work becoming a tribute piece  quite so soon.

I remember clearly the look of concern on Nicki’s face as I grabbed her paw and shoved it into the thinset.

This weekend we are going to have Sadie out for a good portion of it.  It will be interesting in a sad sort of way to see how she reacts being out at the house solo, a situation she has never been in her entire life.

This weekend I have things to do as is always the case.  I plan to again keep my mind and body busy.  On Sunday we have a few kind volunteers that are going to help us affix timing chips to 3500 race bibs.

Recanting the events of the last 24 hours likely will not become easier at any point soon so I may as well tackle it now.

During the day yesterday I got an update from Ali on Nicki.  She said they had started on the next steps of the treatment plan, administering her steroids and inserting a nasal feeding tube, the mere thought of which made me feel discomfort on Nicki’s behalf.

When I stopped in to see her last night it was a rough visual for me.  Not only was she hooked to four or five lines she also had a soft cone around her neck to prevent her from pawing at the feeding tube.  I started petting her and got minimal response.  It was the first time I couldn’t even get a tail wag out of her.

Ali showed up towards the end of my visit.  She felt much more upbeat about the state of things than I did.  She reported to me later last night that Nicki woke up a bit more and seemed interested in some boiled chicken they stuck under her nose but she didn’t actually eat it. I went to bed hoping these baby steps would get bigger the next couple days as the feeding tube and steroids kicked in.

Well in the middle of the night I heard the house line ringing.  My assumption was it was the automated alert system we have from work which calls if an environmental sensor is tripped.  I let it ring since it would try the next number in the rotation.  I am the farthest away from the office so these things are normally handled by the people that live closer.

Well the phone rang again.  The house phone stopped just as Cindy got out to it but she saw my cell was ringing, it was Ali.  Cindy handed me the phone.  I knew something very bad was about to be said.  Ali choked back the emotion as she told me Nicki had passed away.  She told me she was heading down to the vet to see her (it was about 3:15 am) and said I could as well which of course I was going to do.  After hanging up the phone I just laid there for a few moments, stunned.

Cindy came with me.  For the most part I kept it together on the drive there.  When we got to the vet I at first went back myself to the room where they had Nicki laying in the middle of the floor between some blankets.  Ali was already there and was laying next to her,  petting her slowly.  I came over to the other side and sat down.  When I touched her head she felt cold.  That sensation was like throwing a bucket of water on me.  I lost all composure for a short while and cried uncontrollably.  It was so final.  I couldn’t believe the adorable little 3 month old puppy that we brought into the house nearly 13 years ago that has filled my life with so much happiness, love, and smiles was laying there, still.

My mind raced for stable footing but I had a difficult time finding any.  I hoped that maybe just maybe Nicki was hanging out with my mom somewhere at that moment in time.  Ali stepped out for a few minutes so Cindy could come say goodbye.  Of course seeing Cindy break down at the sight of Nicki brought on another wave of emotion.  I just couldn’t believe this time, the time I have dreaded for years had actually come.  After we were done Ali was going to go back in one last time so we embraced and began to prepare ourselves for the mountains of sorrow that come with losing a beloved pet. Despite Nicki having numerous health issues the last few years we all had held out hope it was not yet time to say goodbye.

When you are a childless adult your pets become your adopted children.  You love them intensely and the pain when you lose them is equally intense.

When I got home I knew sleep was pointless.  I instead ate breakfast, got dressed and drove into work to do some after hours work that I had been putting off.  I figured keeping my mind as busy as possible was the best course of action.  It’s something I will be leaning heavily upon for quite awhile.

I’ll always love you baby Nicki and will think of you often.  You were the definition of love.

Rest now.

Goodbye sweet baby Nicki…

I stopped by to see Nicki at lunch and after work.  When I stopped at lunch Ali was still there.  I didn’t get to interact much with Nicki during that visit as they spent most of the time unsuccessfully trying to insert a catheter in her leg.  Nicki was so tired/out of it that she was hardly reacting to the repeated stabs of the needle.  While the techs were working Ali and I talked more about the game plan.

The myriad of tests that the vet has ordered have basically revealed nothing.  Their only other thought was doing a liver biopsy to check on some liver numbers that were somewhat low however in Nicki’s current state that would be ridiculous to do and even if there is a liver problem it is not the immediate culprit for her condition.  The vet suggested that we could try a steroid shot to see if it gets Nicki up and moving again.  Awhile ago she had one and she did have some noticeable short term improvement.

I am still amazed that Nicki’s lack of any substantial food intake for 6 days has not been given more weight in the process.  The vet keeps saying that dogs can go long periods of time without eating without it having a significant impact on blood numbers and well being.  Although I have seen the same thing when I researched I also saw this is affected by the dogs age and health prior to the lack of food.  Neither of those factors are in Nicki’s favor.

When I came back after work I wound up sitting in an empty waiting room for almost a half hour.  Evidently my timing was bad.  The techs were unable to get a good catheter spot so they were in the middle of suturing one to Nicki’s leg.  They allowed me to go back as they were finishing up.

I walked in to Nicki up on the table, looking exhausted.  I went in front of her and pulled back her loose forehead skin so she could see me clearly.  She perked up for a few seconds and then laid her head back down.  I felt terrible as I saw her laying there.  It was the first time I wondered if this was really what Nicki wanted.

When they finished wrapping up the freshly sutured wound  we took Nicki outside briefly.  Nicki is far too weak to be able stand up on her own or walk without assistance.  The vet had this harness set up that they strapped on Nicki to offer support.  It has a handle in the front and back.   When we got her upright she could stand still without major help but any movement required a firm grip on the handles.  We took her outside maybe 40-50 feet from the door and walked her back.  It seemed surreal to me we just had Nicki out at the house the weekend prior and had a normal, fun time.  Seeing her in this state of dysfunction so shortly afterward is hard to wrap my mind around.

I left before they subjected Nicki to more discomfort as they were to hook up a urine catheter since Nicki is unable to go conventionally and is on constant IV fluids.  I felt absolutely miserable when I left.

Despite my criticism of some of the practices and staff of this vet, there have been a number of the staff I have dealt with back in the ICU that have been incredibly nice, accommodating, compassionate, and kind.  They understand what it is like.  I almost wish they could give me an off the record opinion of the situation.