Trying to do this
Recanting the events of the last 24 hours likely will not become easier at any point soon so I may as well tackle it now.
During the day yesterday I got an update from Ali on Nicki. She said they had started on the next steps of the treatment plan, administering her steroids and inserting a nasal feeding tube, the mere thought of which made me feel discomfort on Nicki’s behalf.
When I stopped in to see her last night it was a rough visual for me. Not only was she hooked to four or five lines she also had a soft cone around her neck to prevent her from pawing at the feeding tube. I started petting her and got minimal response. It was the first time I couldn’t even get a tail wag out of her.
Ali showed up towards the end of my visit. She felt much more upbeat about the state of things than I did. She reported to me later last night that Nicki woke up a bit more and seemed interested in some boiled chicken they stuck under her nose but she didn’t actually eat it. I went to bed hoping these baby steps would get bigger the next couple days as the feeding tube and steroids kicked in.
Well in the middle of the night I heard the house line ringing. My assumption was it was the automated alert system we have from work which calls if an environmental sensor is tripped. I let it ring since it would try the next number in the rotation. I am the farthest away from the office so these things are normally handled by the people that live closer.
Well the phone rang again. The house phone stopped just as Cindy got out to it but she saw my cell was ringing, it was Ali. Cindy handed me the phone. I knew something very bad was about to be said. Ali choked back the emotion as she told me Nicki had passed away. She told me she was heading down to the vet to see her (it was about 3:15 am) and said I could as well which of course I was going to do. After hanging up the phone I just laid there for a few moments, stunned.
Cindy came with me. For the most part I kept it together on the drive there. When we got to the vet I at first went back myself to the room where they had Nicki laying in the middle of the floor between some blankets. Ali was already there and was laying next to her, petting her slowly. I came over to the other side and sat down. When I touched her head she felt cold. That sensation was like throwing a bucket of water on me. I lost all composure for a short while and cried uncontrollably. It was so final. I couldn’t believe the adorable little 3 month old puppy that we brought into the house nearly 13 years ago that has filled my life with so much happiness, love, and smiles was laying there, still.
My mind raced for stable footing but I had a difficult time finding any. I hoped that maybe just maybe Nicki was hanging out with my mom somewhere at that moment in time. Ali stepped out for a few minutes so Cindy could come say goodbye. Of course seeing Cindy break down at the sight of Nicki brought on another wave of emotion. I just couldn’t believe this time, the time I have dreaded for years had actually come. After we were done Ali was going to go back in one last time so we embraced and began to prepare ourselves for the mountains of sorrow that come with losing a beloved pet. Despite Nicki having numerous health issues the last few years we all had held out hope it was not yet time to say goodbye.
When you are a childless adult your pets become your adopted children. You love them intensely and the pain when you lose them is equally intense.
When I got home I knew sleep was pointless. I instead ate breakfast, got dressed and drove into work to do some after hours work that I had been putting off. I figured keeping my mind as busy as possible was the best course of action. It’s something I will be leaning heavily upon for quite awhile.
I’ll always love you baby Nicki and will think of you often. You were the definition of love.
Rest now.