Doing the hard thing, my personal finish line

Yesterday Cindy had an audition at Orange Theory Fitness.  It was sort of like an actor trying out for a part except instead of memorizing lines she had to memorize a routine that she performed in front of a group of people. Cindy was EXTREMELY nervous going in despite my assurances that she would do well.  I have seen her shoot her videos for her YouTube channel, once she gets rolling she comes off quite well.

I was very happy when she texted me later reporting that things indeed went quite well.  I told her I was proud of her for going through with the audition, despite her anxiety about it.  She did the hard thing which is how you grow.

Yesterday I had my own situation where I made a hard decision to discontinue my services as the timer for the running club, a role I have served for 8-9 years.  As a courtesy to the club I offered to continue my duties until the end of January which will get them through the next 8 races, including three of the largest events they conduct.  Of course if they elect to replace me before that time they are welcome to do so.

The decision is related to the events of the last 18 months that have included incidents of personal tragedy with my mom unexpectedly passing away and the recent passing of Nicki.  I have given a lot of thought about the importance of quality of life and removing yourself from situations that detract from that wherever possible.

I have documented some of my issues I have had with my club responsibilities here but for the most part leave it out of public consumption.  The details really are not all that important at this point. The bottom line is I don’t enjoy what I am doing, I don’t need to do it, and I don’t want to do it anymore so I asked myself, “Why are you doing it?”

The answer until yesterday to that question goes back to my long history as a people pleaser where I put the expectations and desires of others in front of my own under some deluded sense of obligation.  It’s the martyr part of my personality which is something my mom also had, which she exhibited in different ways.

So anyway, I sent out my letter last night and basically heard nothing back except for one friend on the board, which I suppose is not surprising.  Tomorrow I am timing a 5K for the club so I am sure there will be plenty of opportunity for awkwardness there although that is not my desire at all.  All things run their course.  I am looking forward to seeing the finish line of this part of my life and starting again with a fresh perspective, filled more with things I prefer to be doing.