The things I don’t like to do

For most of my life I have not been the type that likes to engage in long drawn out conversations, especially when emotions are involved.  The amount of people where I feel comfortable doing this with is very, very small.  It’s not a trait I am proud of, it’s just the way I am. I also am not the type of person that likes to ask for help, in any regard whether it be financial, medical, physical, or emotional.  I have always been of the shut up and deal with it mindset, again not the best way to be in the big picture. Yesterday I tried to step outside those natural boundaries I have made for myself.

One of the many benefits of my job is they include free wellness counseling, on top of conventional medical insurance.  It allows you no strings access to a team of counselors to talk to about countless issues/subjects.  Despite it being over 6 months since the end of our relationship I still have not felt “well” overall.  I thought it could possibly be helpful to talk to a professional about the situation and my feelings.  I had some anxiety about the session because of the things I outlined in the first paragraph.

I came out of the other side with some more clarity.  Some of the things talked about or suggested I already knew but it was helpful to hear them come from somewhere else than my inner thoughts.  I told him I am a lifelong “fixer” and people pleaser which I have talked about before.  These traits have up and down sides. Depending on who you are interacting with, fixers can be interpreted as negative or controlling. People pleasers routinely get taken advantage of, and come back asking for more.  A lot of the talk was about being able to let things be, to not assist unless asked, to not keep looking backwards.  He also stressed there is no defined time period until negative feelings subside, it takes however long it takes.  Everyone is ultimately responsible for how they react to situations so I need to make as much of an effort as I can to change my personal narrative, regardless of external influences.

I felt I got some of the clarity I was looking for out of the session and did not schedule a follow up. It’s good to know if I feel the need, I have that support available to me.