Plagiarizing

This was an email I received recently that is connected to the self help/improvement program I have been working with.  I thought it was a a scenario I identified with and is a clear failure I have had in the past when engaging in relationship dynamics.  I am hoping this realization helps me in future when it comes to recognizing and giving what really matters with a partner.

A few days ago I had a stupid argument with my wife.

The topic was a trifle–and a common one.

We were preparing for a night of dancing and debauchery with friends and, like many a lovely lady before her, she felt uncomfortable with her appearance.

This dress was too tight.

That skirt made her look fat.

This outfit made her look like a cheap Victorian stripper.

You know the drill.

Objectively speaking, her discomfort was unfounded.

Regardless of her outfit, I thought she looked stunning.

And it was clear from the subsequent cat-calling, gawking, and straight women suddenly questioning their sexuality that I wasn’t alone in this sentiment.

But sentiment be damned, she wasn’t “feeling” herself.

Now, I should have responded to her emotionally charged state with grace and tact.

But being the self-proclaimed Dark Overlord of Personal Development, I naturally turned it into a “teaching moment.”

So in my infinite wisdom, I proceeded to chastise her on the importance of self-confidence and berate her for the negative self-talk that was so obviously ruining our night.

Suffice it to say, she did not appreciate my condescension.

But I managed to avoid disaster and the night proceeded as planned.

Then, after enough dancing and drinking that we felt it prudent to spend the night with our friends, something interesting happened.

The following morning, while we were all getting ready to swim off our hangovers at a local river, the couple we were staying with had the same conversation.

She wasn’t comfortable in her bathing suit.

Her discomfort was objectively unfounded.

And then the magic happened.

My friend slowly looked his wife up and down, slid his hands around her waist, and responded simply:

“I will never understand the way you see yourself and I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable… But I can barely take my eyes off of you.”

Sonofabitch.

She giggled, looked at herself again, exclaimed “Really?!” and then threw her arms around him.

The difference between her response and my wife’s was night and day.

Because the difference between his response and my response was equally disparate.

As men, our natural proclivity is often to “fix” or teach or solve our partner’s problems through the same logical lens we would solve our own.

Problem is, a logical onslaught is rarely what our partners need.

They don’t want to hear that they’re wrong or that their feelings are invalid.

They want the masculine to inject itself into their emotional storm and gently lead them out of it.

Empathy, love, and validation are the most powerful weapons in your arsenal.

Not logic.

Take that for what you will.