Tag fat chicks in truck

It was a jam packed weekend, the busiest I can recall in awhile. On Friday I had my last day of at home training on Exchange 2007. I asked the instructor about how long class would run that day because ideally I wanted to get on the road during the afternoon for the drive up to Orlando.  The instructor said the last module was about unified messaging which basically means tying exchange into your phone system, something we will never be doing in my situation, so I decided to skip it.

I loaded up the van with the two dogs and left my house about 3:30 to pick up Taylor, my fantasy football buddy whose wife was running in the Muddy Buddy with Alison.  We cruised up to our time share outside of Disney in the party van.  It was hot as hell on Friday, the party van AC was barely able to keep the cabin tolerable in the 90+ degree temps.  Finally about 90 minutes into the drive the AC caught up and cooled things off nicely. The van performed just fine otherwise.

  Alison and Michelle drove up together earlier with Michelle’s two young boys, they had to pick up their race packet. We called Ali ahead of time to let them know we were getting close.  They used our ETA to plan pizza delivery around the same time.  We chowed down on two large cheese pizzas shortly after walking in the door.  

We stayed at our timeshare in two adjoined units, one two bedroom and a one bedroom unit.  This was our first time staying in a one bedroom unit.  There is a big difference between the two we found out. The two bedroom units have a nice big kitchen with a full size dishwasher, sink and stove.  They also have a large bathroom that includes an over sized shower as well as a whirlpool tub.  The one bedroom units have one small counter as the “kitchen”  It includes a tiny Fisher Price size sink,  a small square that has a couple electric burners with no oven and a mini-dishwasher that is about half the size of a normal unit.  The bathrooms are equally reduced with much smaller dimensions and a conventional bathtub/shower.    The two bedroom units get a large projection TV, we had a small 27 inch tube tv.  In the big picture it didn’t really matter, we weren’t there to cook gourmet meals, take luxurious baths or watch copious amounts of TV.  I was just surprised about the degree of difference in the amenities between the two units.

The dogs acted like I would expect them to act.  Sadie was happy to see everyone, including the two kids.  Nicki was her normal cautious self, retreating to the safety of the spot between Ali or my legs if she felt threatened.  After eating Taylor and I were assigned the duty of hitting the local grocery store.  We went to King’s Supermarket, a small store with inflated prices, no visible shopping carts (hand baskets only) and looks that were fashionable in 1978.  I found the lack of shopping carts particularly annoying.  Ali gave me a lengthy list that included a lot of liquids that quickly became seriously heavy.  Before long I was trudging through the aisles while my forearms strained to hold the basket that was easily approaching 50 pounds in weight.  My check out lady was a big chubby woman that looked to have a bit of chin hair.  Her demeanor was appropriately grumpy for the store.  The next time I am in Orlando I’ll drive the extra 3 miles to the Publix down the road. We didn’t stay up late on Friday since the women were supposed to be at the race site no later than 6:30 am.

Saturday after a rather unrestful sleep due to sleeping an foreign queen size bed with Sadie wedged between us I hopped out of bed and got ready.  I loaded up the bike onto the bike rack I had attached to the back of the van and we loaded up the dogs and kids between our two vehicles.  As we approached the Wide World of Sports complex traffic picked up immensely.  3500 participants plus spectators will do that.  We were directed to a parking spot, unloaded the bike and headed towards the race area.

Before we came up to Orlando Ali had contacted the tournament directors to verify that dogs were allowed at the event.  We didn’t want to have me come along with the dogs only to be relegated to staying at the timeshare while Ali competed.  Ali was assured that dogs were allowed since the event took place outside the main park area in the surrounding area.  Well as we walked along I half heard some park employee that was pretty far away yell something in our direction about no dogs being allowed, I ignored it and kept walking.  He was too busy directing the incoming flood of vehicles to do much about it.  Then another woman said something to Ali about no pets being allowed.  Ali explained that she checked ahead of time and was told that dogs were fine as long as they stayed outside the main park area.  The woman didn’t know that and said that was fine then.

The area was flooded with people and bikes.  It didn’t take long at all for me to regret the idea of bringing the dogs along to the event.   Trying to keep two dogs at bay with a hurricane of activity around you was brutal.  They were constantly pulling me in opposite directions.  Of course lots of people thought they were cute and wanted to interact with them.  Sadie welcomed the attention and Nicki was happy to defer all of that attention to her.  Ali and Michelle came back after signing in with unhappy looks on their face.  They found out that their wave didn’t start until 8:09 meaning we had about an hour and a half to kill.  To Ali this was really annoying, to me I didn’t care much except for having to control the dogs for that much longer.  

It wasn’t hard to keep yourself entertained during those 90 minutes.  The Muddy Buddy is famous for contestants adorning all sorts of funny costumes to compete.  This event was no different.  Everywhere you looked there was one team wearing an outfit more outrageous than the next.  I could have just sat there and done people watching the entire time.  

Finally we approached the girls start time.  Ali went first as she was riding the bike followed by Michelle who ran first.  The way it works is each team member alternates between riding and running.  In between each segment is a little mini-obstacle you have to complete.  The grand finale after completing the roughly 6 mile course is a military style crawl through a mud filled pit.  We saw some of the early participants finishing up before Ali and Michelle started, they were getting quite dirty.

We figured we had roughly an 1:15 before the girls would cross.  We spent the time just hanging out with the boys and the dogs.  I found some shade for the dogs to site in by a tent, it was getting quite warm out by 8:30.  I spent some time talking to a team that finished earlier that comprised of  40 and 46 year old brother in laws.  They told me how they just started running a year ago.  They were in very poor shape when they started.  The one guy said he could barely run a single mile at a 10 minute mile pace at first.  In the span of a year they both have improved dramatically, dropping a ton of weight in the process.  Now they run as well as doing triathlons.  They can do a 5K in a sub 7 minute mile pace which is cooking along.  They were very excited about triathlons and both expressed regret that they waited until so late in life to discover the enjoyment they found in competing in fitness events.

While I was standing there talking to the guys a little boy came up that was fascinated with the dogs.  He sat on the ground indian style next to Sadie and petted her for at least 10 minutes or so.  He just loved her.  I had to laugh when he whispered to me, “Does she have any tickle spots?”

While we were walking around I was stopped by yet another Disney employee, this time a red headed, dorky looking kid that came up to me tried to say in an authoritative tone “Sir, dogs are not allowed on the grounds…”  After being accosted twice already about this and being two hours deep into the frustration of trying to manage two dogs at a large event my patience meter was on rock bottom.  I said to the kid in an annoyed voice “Look, my wife contacted the event organizers ahead of time and they told us it was fine to bring the dogs with”   Red fires back “Well that is not up to them. (the event organizers)”  Well his large and in charge attitude broke the chains loose on any sort of politeness I may have had remaining in my body.  “Okay then, why don’t you just TRY to throw me out then.”  The punk kid returns with “Oh we WILL….”  I say “Ok why don’t you try to throw me out and we will see how that turns out” daring the kid to try to escalate the situation.  He pushed my ON button where all common sense leaves the body and all that is left is venom and anger.  I was ready to really make a scene.  

I just walked away from the kid.  As I did he said something like “I will have to contact my supervisor…”  Whatever kid, I continued on my way.  I already was planning how I was going to bust the little prick in two if he laid one finger on me.  As we walked away Taylor asked what the deal was, I quickly gave him the lowdown.  Red kept me in sight as he talked to his supervisor.  He got the word that it was INDEED fine for dogs to be there as long as they stayed outside the main gates.  He came over to tell me it was ok.  I barely acknowledged him as i could have cared less what the kid said and kept walking.  It was a page straight out of my dad’s fabled history of confrontations.  It was very similar to various angry encounters I have seen him get into over the years.  Oh well, I just don’t seem to have much tolerance for bullshit anymore.

So anyway around 9:15 we headed over to the mud pit so we could photograph the girls trudging through it.  Taylor and I waited and waited as we carefully scanned the teams coming through, looking for Ali and Michelle.  We now were past the time period that we estimated.  I figured they may have had some difficulty along the way or something.  Well low and behold the two of them, covered in mud came up and said HI.  They said they finished at least 10 minutes ago and were looking for us.  Taylor and I could not believe that we both missed them and were pissed we missed the photo opportunity.  Oh well there was nothing we could do now.  The girls told us about the race.  Ali said it was one of toughest things she ever had to do physically but it was also lots of fun, even with a mud pit to climb through.

Ali and Michelle said they would go try to hose down in the shower area while we made our way back to the vehicles.  They showed up at the cars just as dirty as when they started, they said there was only a trickle of water coming out of the hoses by the time they got to them.  We just covered the seats in towels and they took very lengthy showers back at the timeshare.

Ali was tired and laid down to take a nap.  Michelle took Parker to the pool while Taylor and I just hung out for awhile.  Once Michelle returned Parker kept talking about “go-karts”.  We weren’t sure how he heard about them.  Taylor and I saw a brief commercial for a place that had go karts the night before but we don’t remember if Parker was even in the room when it was on.  Well we decided to go to the local amusement park that was advertised on tv. Ali was cool with just hanging out at the timeshare with the dogs.

Well the first thing that caught my eye when we entered were these massive steel columns.  Attached to the columns were a few wires.  later I saw a little speck up by the single tower.  That speck was a person about to be dropped. Yep, I needed to check that out later.  So we walked in and saw the ultra-cool go kart tracks we saw on tv.  Instead of a boring old flat course, these tracks went up and down, almost like racing in a parking garage.  We went to the ticket booth to find out our options.  We wound up buying the unlimited ride arm bands that cost $35.  I asked about the crazy looking tower thing.  The girl behind the counter said that was called the Sky Coaster and it normally costs an incredible $40 to ride it one time.  However since I opted for the unlimited ride pass I was able to purchase a ticket for the Skycoaster for half price.  Hmmm I’ll keep that in mind.

So we all piled into the go-karts, me in the single rider cart and Michelle and Taylor in the tandem carts, each with one of the boys.  We get the green light and off we go.  The course immediately heads up a spiraling ramp.  Even though you are climbing, the karts are powerful enough to keep you moving at a decent pace.  Finally I got to the top of the long climb.  I freaked out a bit as I crested the hill and at first didn’t see anything on the other side.  There was a steep, very long drop into a sharply banked turn.  I picked up speed quickly as I went down the hill.  Once I hit the banked turn I practically bounced through it.  The track was rather ripped up in the area and the combination of high speeds with the banked turn resulted in the driver getting tossed around quite violently.  Go-karts don’t have shock absorbers. 

There were lots of younger kids on the ride that were driving like it was a Nascar race, just like I did when I was younger.  However now I was just happy to swing to the outside and let the speed demons pass.  After a four or five minute ride we were flagged back into the pits.  I got out of my kart fully expecting both boys to be crying from the crazy ride.  Nope, just the opposite, they both loved it, go figure.  We found out that the first track we went on turned out to be the best one.  They had one other elevated track and two conventional flat tracks.  The flat tracks didn’t have tandem carts so we didn’t even bother with them.  The other elevated track was good but nothing matched the thrill of heading down the huge drop that the “Vortex” offered.  I told Taylor that I NEVER saw anything remotely like that in go-kart world, neither did he.  We joked that Parker now has already experienced the pinnacle of go-karting at 3 years old, anything else will pale in comparison.

So as we were walking around Michelle was encouraging me to do the Skycoaster.  She was with us when I did the sling shot thrill ride at the county fair a couple years back so she knew I was up to the challenge.  I told her I wasn’t scared to do it.  The cost was more of a deterrent than the fear.  Well Michelle kept saying I should do it.  I eventually decided to bite the bullet. I plunked down my 20 bucks and headed to the launch pad.

There is a flight suit they have to hook you up in for the ride.  It looked hi-tech and safe enough with multiple hooks and straps.  They walked me out to a hydraulic platform that they raised 20 or 30 feet to get me hooked in.  They hooked me in and told me to lean forward, as I did so I flipped front and found myself suspended in the horizontal position.   The platform was lowered and I started getting pulled slowly upward.  I was pretty calm during the first half or so of the ascent.  The fear kicked in when I heard a disconcerting CLICK accompanied with a jolt.  I wasn’t sure if something just clicked into or out of place.  The trip to the top of the 300 foot tower takes awhile.  As I was pulled up I tried to concentrate on looking out over the horizon.  I made the mistake of looking straight down once or twice as I neared the top.  That was not a good idea.  I was up so damn high, people looked like ants below.

The ride has an interesting twist.  Once you are suspended at the top of the tower you are the one that has to make the commitment to drop.  You do this by pulling a rip cord that releases you from the wire that pulled you up.  I decided the quicker I did it the better so as soon as I heard the instructions to pull the cord I yanked it, I didn’t want to hang out up there longer than necessary.

Wow the next few seconds were pretty terrifying.  As soon I as I pulled the cord I heard a click like a bomb was being released.  The relative quiet at the top of the pole was replaced with the deafening sound of wind rushing by my ears.  I went from a horizontal position to a head straight down vertical position where I experienced free fall for a few seconds.  I imagine it was the same feeling you get bungee jumping or jumping off a building.  It was nuts.  Slowly the tension in the wires catches you and you start to arc out over the lake.  Supposedly you can reach speeds approaching 80mph during the fall.   Once the arc started I knew I was going to survive and the fear quickly dissipated.

The ride operators reeled me back onto the platform and got me down.  I asked the one guy if they ever had people get pulled up to the top but then freeze and can’t pull the cord. “Oh yea man, all the time…”  I can understand how that could happen, it’s pretty terrifying imagining falling from the the top of the equivalent of a 30 story building.  Well anyway I got out of the flight suit and went out to Michelle and Taylor who couldn’t believe I did it.  They were scared for me just watching.  Taylor had his video camera with and tried to record the event.  However he wasn’t expecting me to drop so quickly once I hit the top and he lost track of me.  The staff of course had a video they shot of the event that I could buy for $15.  They had the video playing as I walked off the ride.  They did a good job of capturing it.  I figured I would probably never do this again so I plunked down the 15 for the footage.  If you want to see it on YouTube you can see it here. (scroll about 45 seconds into it to bypass the boring title screen)

For awhile after the ride I was still on an adrenalin rush.  I was proud of myself for doing something many people would never entertain doing.  I found myself looking back up the towers and thinking how I was hanging up there at the top a few minutes ago, crazy.  We rode the go-karts a few more times and then called it a day.  We all had a great time.

On the way back we called in a take out order to Carrabas for dinner. Taylor and I picked it up.  During dinner I fired up the laptop and showed Ali the video.  She couldn’t believe I did it.  She said she was glad she wasn’t there as she would have been sweating bullets just watching me.  After dinner we hung for a little before the kids had to be put to bed.  While they were trying to get them to go to sleep I laid down in our bed for a bit.  Before I knew it I had passed out and remained in bed until around 10.  I was obviously tired.  I watched the end of the Cavaliers/Hawks playoff game before falling back asleep for good.

Sunday morning I “slept in” till 6am when the dogs decided it was time to wake us up.  Ali was nice enough to come out with me to walk them.  I was very tired of getting twisted like a pretzel trying to walk both of them at the same time.  After the walk Ali went back to bed while I started slowly getting things together for our departure.  It was Mother’s Day so I wanted to do something nice for Ali.  I made her luxurious breakfast in bed that consisted of two pieces of peanut butter toast and orange juice served in a coffee mug.  She appreciated the effort and liked the Mother’s day cards I bought her.

After everyone was up we packed up the vehicles and pushed off between 9 and 10.  Taylor and Michele were taking the kids to Magic Kingdom on Sunday before heading home.  I was not jealous, walking around Disney with two kids in sweltering mid 90 temps did not sound like fun.  We thanked them for the good time and rolled out of there.  On the way home on I-4 I saw a bizarre site.  I immediately pointed to it and told Ali to look!  In the back of an old Chevy pick up truck were two tremendously fat women sitting in plastic patio chairs.  Now keep in mind we were travelling approximately 75 mph on an open highway.  I can’t describe how funny this looked.  I immediately fumbled for my Iphone, I had to get electronic proof of this.  I tried to keep the phone low, just peeking out over the dash so the women would not know I was photographing them.  I was able to snap off 5 or 6 pics of them.  Somehow these pictures need to get included in the various redneck email forwards that you see several times a year.  I can only imagine that the patio chairs in the back seat was the only way all three of them could travel in the vehicle at once.  The two heffers definitely wouldn’t have been able to cram into the cab. Central Florida, once you get outside of the Disney/Orlando area is serious redneck country . Even so, this was a sight that had to be seen to be believed.

Once we got home we had a bit of a mad scramble going on.  In a couple hours time we had to get the van unpacked, go get groceries, pick up the car that was left at Michelle’s house and get a few things done around the house before leaving to take mom to Mother’s Day dinner.  We managed to get it all done and be out the door by 5:15 or so.  On the way to mom’s I stopped and grabbed her a replacement toilet flapper.  I told her I would take care of her running toilet the next time I was out to her place.  We also brought along the present I bought for her up in Orlando, a new vacuum cleaner.  Mom had been complaining about how heavy our old unit was that we gave her after we bought the Dyson.  I found a super-light, bagless Dirt Devil model at a Super Target that seemed to fit all the criteria.

I was happy that mom was thrilled when she opened the box.  I told her I would finish the toilet repair and the vacuum assembly after dinner.  We had a nice dinner at Watermark Grille although the service seemed a bit slow based on the amount of people there.  We thought it would be jam packed but instead we were able to sit right down.  I decided to go with something unconventional for me, crab cakes.  It was very good.  Since it was mother’s day I couldn’t give Ali stink eye about getting desert for once.  We shared a piece of ultra-rich penaut butter pie thing.  It tasted good with the cup of coffee I had as well. 

After dinner I finished up the toilet repair and vacuum assembly.  Mom did a test run of the vacuum and said it was much, much easier to push than the big unit she had been using for a couple years.  My toilet repair appeared to be successful as well, there were no annoying sounds of water leaking after the tank filled.   Both Ali and I were exhausted from the whirlwhind weekend.  It felt wonderful to lay down in our own bed, even if it was rather dog hair covered since we weren’t able to do our normal sheet washing routine….

If you want to see all the pics from the weekend, go here.