Dark, everything else

Dark is the adjective I would use to describe my mood and state of mind right now. I woke up this morning just feeling like things sucked. I think it is a combo of things contributing to my mental disposition. The weekend vball tournament that was supposed to be the grand finale of the season as well as being some nice time away, instead turned into a compressed affair that ended with yet another bad finish in the playoffs and a marathon day. I think I am feeling lost again as well. My weekly routine is getting old and I feel like I should be doing something new or at least have something exciting to look forward to. Right now I see nothing remotely like that on the horizon. I am feeling some pressure to make a decision on if I want to have kids or not. That decision alone is enough to tie me in knots. And finally I am sure my ever present anxiety about getting old, sick, frail and death is making a healthy contribution to my aura of blah. I wonder if having a kid is the next logical step? Is that what adults use to divert their attention away from the parts of going through life that suck? I don’t know.

The Eagles had another fine performance and big win on Sunday. I hate to get my hopes up too high because I know how things normally go with the Birds. But beside a defense that is allowing a ton of yards but not a ton of points, there is very little to feel bad about with this team. Could this finally be the year? Does anyone else think it is odd that ESPN put Pat Summerall on the ESPN Sunday Night football crew? I liked the other guy much better. Pat is older than dirt and was supposed to have retired 2 or 3 years ago but yet here he is. I wonder if Madden pulled strings to get him the job. It’s too bad, adding Pat and subtracting the other guy really hammered the chemistry of the broadcast IMO.

My mom has been up in PA visiting with my brother and her newborn grandchild. While she was gone I picked up her RAV4 to fix what I thought should be a simple problem. Her passenger side door is stuck in the locked position. A simple fix I figured, just get a coat hanger down in the door and pop it open. Well after three prolonged, frustrating attempts over the last week, the final attempt being yesterday, I gave up. I jammed, twisted and prodded the mechanism with screw drivers, coat hangers and even metal supports from hanging file folders and could not get the door open. I felt defeated because I assured my mom that if I got her car to my place with my arsenal of tools, I should be able to get it open no problem. I also wanted to wash and wax it for her since I had it. Well on Sunday after I made my last attempt at opening the door I still hadn’t washed and waxed the car. We were still getting pelted by the affects of Hurricane Jeanne. I was so frustrated I didn’t give a shit. I opened the garage door, backed the RAV 4 out and washed it in 40 mph winds and intermittent driving rain. The people driving by must have thought I was insane. After I washed it, I pulled it back into the garage to dry it and wax it. Ridiculous I know, but I at least wanted to get something accomplished on it for her.

For whatever reason, I did absolutely ZERO prep for Hurricane Jeanne. I didn’t put away a single thing. For some strange reason, I just didn’t care or believed the forecast that her impact on us would be minimal. Even though we were pretty far away from her center we had substantial wind and rain for a good 20 hours. The wind was enough to dump a plant stand on the lanai and send our garbage cart for a short trip. Other than that we survived just fine, no power loss, no extensive flooding.

On Saturday morning I was feeling very down and decided to medicate myself by working outside. Sometimes that helps take my mind off of things. I decided to start weeding. What a mess. I sat down by the areas and pulled and pulled and pulled. After the first 2 and a half areas took well over an hour to weed I decided I had enough. I went to Lowe’s and bought a shitload of weedblock and mulch. I was determined to make these damn beds as low maintenance as possible. Once I got home I started on the project and Ali came out to assist. It was far from ideal weed block installation weather. The winds from Jeanne had already started spinning up. About an hour into it the rain started. Brief periods of hard rain soaked Ali and I in no time. We continued to work in these conditions for awhile but soon I I got sick of it and told Ali we would just bag it. Repeatedly I told her to go in and I would finish but she insisted in staying out there with me until I was ready to go in. It’s strange how a man’s mind works. Somehow, plodding through the rain, covered in mud, sand and wet mulch computes into something worthwhile. (see washing cars in hurricanes above) It’s baffling.

On Sunday I did a few things around the house but a good part of the day was spent playing online tennis, watching football and watching Sopranos episodes. Even though I enjoy doing these things, by the time Sunday evening came around I was feeling stir-crazy, like I wasted the day being lazy. I hate that feeling. I pity Alison because she has to deal with me acting like a nut, complaining that I feel like a lazy bum. Ali has no problem just vegging out for a day so she has a hard time understanding why it makes me so crazy. I have a hard time understanding it too.

So here I am at the start of another week, a week much like every other week for the past 3 years. I don’t expect anything major to happen to rock the boat, I’m sure the 7 days will pass quickly and without much fanfare. There were times that I would wish for nothing more than that. Right now I am yearning for something to look forward to, something to wake me up. Life is funny.