The darkness

So obviously any regular readers of my stuff realize that we finally went through with putting Spook down yesterday.  The appointment wasn’t until 1:30 so I had a good chunk of the day to try to not dwell on what was to come.  Yesterday morning I made sure to give Spook her favorite food of all, tuna for her last meal even though she didn’t know it was.  I also dumped all of the Pounce treats I had left on the plate.  Might as well let her enjoy herself.  It felt very weird as a series of “lasts” were taking place, the last time I would have to clean the litter box, last time I would hear Spook meowing in the kitchen, the last time I would do anything related to Spook.

So I met Ali at the vet and we went into “the room”.  It’s the same room they stuck us in for Buttons.  I let Spook out of the carrier and started petting/supporting her to make sure she didn’t lose her balance and fall off the table.  All day I was trying to prepare myself for what was going down, trying to keep myself together but it wasn’t long until I got emotional.  I was petting and rubbing Spook constantly, even allowing her to rub her slimy, puss emitting, horrible smelling left ear on me.  I mentioned something to Ali that I didn’t think Spook was able to purr at this point.  Almost on cue, she started to purr.

The vet came in and I had her take a look to see just how bad things had become.  As the vet opened Spooks mouth to take a look the cat whined in protest.  The vet looked at the mess on the left side of Spook’s face, even she looked a bit surprised.  I asked her if she ever saw anything quite like that and she said no. I felt a bit better about the decision when I asked her if this was her cat, would she be putting her to sleep?  Without hesitation she said “Oh yes…”   

Since Spook had the reputation of being somewhat ornery at the vets office she said they would sedate her first.  An assistant came in and held Spook by the scruff of her neck while they administered the shot.  Again Spook acted like the firm grip hurt which made me feel worse.  After the shot the vet stepped out for a bit while it took affect.  Because of her lack of balance I was supporting/petting Spook as the sedative slowly took hold. It was sort of weird, Spook went from standing to slowly melting into my hands as I felt her weight become increasingly supported by my hands.  I laid her down on her side and pulled her legs out from under her.  As she was laying there on her side it was almost like she was already on her way.  I just stood there petting her side as tears streamed down my face.  The realization that these were the last few moments of Spooks life and I was the one creating that end was just a tough realization.

The vet came back in to see if Spook was out which she obviously was.  She shaved an area and administered the final shot.  I didn’t watch any of the actual injection process.  Instead I just looked at the posters on the wall as I continued to pet her. I wanted Spook to know we were right there with her till the very end.  After going through this with Buttons I knew the process was very fast.  Within a minute of the shot being administered she was gone.

The vet left us alone with the cat after she verified Spook’s heart had stopped.  The emotions intensified from there although I don’t think my break down was quite as severe as with Buttons since I basically knew what was going down.  I knew we did the right thing in the big picture but at that moment the intensity of the grief was all that existed.  Even after she passed Ali and I kept petting her.  It was pretty much impossible for me to talk for a short while.  I took the blanket Spook was laying on and wrapped it around her before we left the room after somewhat composing ourselves. Ali paid the bill and that was that.

I surprisingly was able to keep composure and almost totally insulate myself from what went down afterwards.  I had to go from the vet to the dermatologist to have a my skin screened.  I already knew I was going to have to have an area cut out that was was burned and scraped once before but came back.  So I get to go back in January to have that cut out.

I was ok last night as we went about the task of De-Spookifying the house.  The utility room where her litter box and food resided now seems much bigger.  We pulled out our desks in the office where Spook liked to hide and cleaned them thoroughly.  The area behind my desk was particularly gross after being subjected to the various subtances that were leaking out of Spook the last few months.  I pulled the Christmas tree totally out of the window so I could once again hit the area with the cleaner to eliminate any lingering odors. I even pulled down Spook’s cat shelf where she spent many happy years looking out the office window while she enjoyed the sunshine.

Spook was pretty much the last thing that was tied back to my first marriage, I had her since my mid 20’s.  She always had a bit of a stand offish, mean side.  She would let you pet her but it was always on her terms.  We were looking at some cute pictures of Ali snuggling with Spook shortly after we met.  Seeing what she looked like then compared to the beat up, run down, deformed condition she wound up in was pretty shocking.  I’m glad it’s over, I’m glad Spook doesn’t have to suffer anymore but I still can’t evade the guilt that comes with such action.

She was a good girl.