Endure

I debated if I wanted to even post anything.  I have decided to do so for some hope of a cathartic result.

I opened my eyes this morning hoping that the last 24 hours of my life had simply been a very realistic nightmare.  Within a few seconds reality swooped in.  Yes my mom actually did have a heart attack and is in the ICU unit.

I got a call yesterday morning on my home line right before 9AM.  I was actually minutes away from leaving for a bike ride to the waterpark which I would not have returned from for several hours.  I did not recognize the number on the caller id but since it was a local area code I figured I would answer it, a telemarketer is typically not going to call at that time.

The woman on the phone said she worked at North Collier hospital and asked if I was Shawn Duffey.  I told her I was.  She said she was very sorry to tell me that my mom had a very serious heart attack while she was in her car. My mind almost immediately went numb, almost as if it was trying to shield me from the surge of emotions that follow news like this. She handed the phone over to the on call doctor.

The doctor told me that my mom was found passed out behind the wheel at an intersection, presumably on her way to work.  911 was called and when paramedics arrived on scene she had no pulse.  Through CPR and paddles they were able to get her heart going again and transported her to the hospital.  The doctor described the heart attack as major and that she was going to be transported immediately to the downtown hospital to have the blockage that caused the heart attack removed.

He said that although the heart attack was very serious the bigger concern is my mom’s brain.  Nobody knows exactly how much time elapsed between her heart stopping and paramedics resuscitating her, meaning blood flow to her brain was interrupted.  The doctor was very honest and said that some degree of brain damage is likely if she was gone for a significant period of time.  I was already ahead of him, as soon as I heard the description of how it went down I knew this was very, very bad. The doctor told us where mom would be at the main hospital, who would be working on her and who we should talk to.  He again apologized for having to give me the news over the phone.

When I told Cindy what happened a look of horror came across her face.  Immediately she was ready to head out to the hospital.  I told her I needed to call my brother and sister right away and I could make other calls en route.  Todd I reached at home, I didn’t get to speak to Torrin until I was almost at the hospital.  Todd was pretty much speechless when I told him and Torrin reacted very emotionally.  I reached out to my uncle as well to let him know.

We got to the area of the hospital where they were working on mom and waited for news.  The cardiologist came out and told us that they used a stent to bypass the blockage in an artery that was pretty much completely obstructed.  He described my mom as being stable from a heart perspective. However he reiterated that the major concern is how her brain is.  The on call doctor said the plan was to drop my mom’s body temperature 10-15 degrees for the next 24 hours to try to protect her brain as much as possible.  She would be heavily sedated as well, it basically sounded like an induced coma to me.  He said they would be bringing her out shortly to take her upstairs.  He did warn us that she had what he described as tremors which can be a sign of brain trauma.

A few minutes later they wheeled mom out.  Seeing her instantly punched through my inner wall of emotional barriers as my eyes welled up.  The rhythmic tremors were immediately noticeable.  It was just very upsetting to see her this way.  We followed upstairs where we were once again directed to another waiting room while they got mom situated and hooked up to the multitude of machines responsible for her well being for the next 24 hours.

When they finally called us in it was very, very tough and a feeling I don’t recall ever having before.  It felt like I was in the room with mom but she wasn’t there with me.  She looked comfortable enough as Cindy and I stood there holding and rubbing her hands.  I didn’t talk much as my mind was racing trying to somehow find stable emotional footing.  I didn’t want to start thinking of mom in a past tense.

We talked again to the cardiologist.  He told us that the next 24 hours she is just going to be out.  After that they gradually warm her body and then try to do testing to see how severely the brain was affected.  He recommended that we stay a bit but then go attend to what needed to be taken care of, it’s just a waiting game at this point. I took his advice.  I  know the last thing my mom would want me to do is is just sit there.  I reached out to more of mom’s circle including her boss, her nearby friend and her landlord.  I contacted the place that towed my mom’s car away to find out how I can get it back which is more difficult than I imagined since my name isn’t on the title.

We went to her place to try to get a handle on what mom does and doesn’t have.  Walking into her condo was unsettling.  Knowing mom walked out the door of the place several hours earlier thinking this was just another Sunday was very sad.  Going through her place almost felt like an invasion of privacy although if things don’t get better this is only a minute scratch on the surface of what I will be doing.

I found her will and her living will.  My mom has always been very adamant that she has absolutely no desire to be kept alive artificially if something major would happen to her.   As I looked through her paperwork I stumbled across old pictures and letters that kept pulling up the pain which I had mostly kept submerged all day to the surface.  I couldn’t believe I was actually existing in this time and place.  We collected what I thought I could need short term and left.

I called the ICU last night for a status update but there was nothing significant except that her body temperature was now dropped to the target level.  They said she is continuing to have the tremors.

My sister is flying in today from PA today and staying the week to try to help with whatever the end result is going to be.  For the most part, I have been in cylon mode, not allowing myself to dwell on the sadness I feel and instead concentrate on what needs to be done.  Life is all about enduring what it presents to you.  For those of you that believe in some sort of a higher being, please say a prayer for my mom.