Rough

As you can imagine the last 48 hours have been very difficult for a lot of people.  On Monday before my sister arrived Ali offered to help me look for important papers at my mom’s place.  Although Cindy and I had found the will and living will we had not found a power of attorney paper, something mom had always said she wanted to name me as.  Ali’s job puts her in an environment where many people are in end of life situations so she was able to give me some very helpful advice and guidance.

Before going through the papers Ali also helped me retrieve my mom’s car from the towing place.  It was not a very professional environment, let’s just say that. She also accompanied me to the hospital to see mom and to talk to the medical staff, asking questions that I may not have necessarily known to ask.

One of those questions was asking for the hospital to contact the Lee county EMS department to get their log of the call to assist my mom.  Specifically we were trying to get times so we could match it up with when she left her place on Sunday which was verified by two of her friends to be 7:20 AM.  I had called the EMS office and they would not release any of that information to me due to privacy laws.  When Ali first asked about getting the records it didn’t seem like the nurse gave it much importance however when we asked again to the attending doctor he agreed to try to get the information.

As it is for me, it was tough for Ali to see my mom in this condition.  The tremors that we saw previously appeared to have amplified, her body was pulsing like a short circuited machine.  I dropped Ali off on my way to pick up my sister at the airport.  I told her I really appreciated her help.

Torrin and I headed back to the hospital later on Monday.  I had already warned her that it was going to be difficult and scary to see mom this way.  Of course as soon as we got there it was very upsetting.  My personal sorrow for my mom was amplified by seeing the sorrow come from my sister as we stood there holding mom’s hands.  We again saw the doctor and he told us they did indeed get a report from EMS.  They said 911 was called at 7:33 and EMS arrived on site at 7:45.  The intersection where mom passed out was only a mile or so away from her house so when we ran the timeline it meant that she was likely in her car with no pulse for at least 20 minutes.

As soon as I heard this information the harsh reality that I already pretty much knew was confirmed.  She was just down too long.  I was amazed that you could even restore a pulse after that period of time.  In retrospect, I wish they didn’t, an opinion I can guarantee you my mom would echo.  Of course EMS had no idea how long mom was down so they did all they could to save her.

Yesterday Torrin and I returned to mom’s condo to do a third search of her paperwork, hoping to turn up a power of attorney document as well as additional medical records.  Torrin actually had never been in the condo.  The last time she was visiting mom was in the unit across the street.  After doing that we headed back to the hospital to see if anything had changed overnight.  There was a change visually.  The constant tremors had settled down, replaced with just a low rumble that seemed to primarily affect he abdomen and right side.  Mom looked very, very tired.

While we were there we talked to both the primary care doctor and the neurologist.  At this point my mom was not sedated and up to normal temperature.  Both doctors indicated that they are not seeing any of the basic reactive response to stimulation that they were hoping for.  They said that unfortunately this points to major brain damage and anything beyond a permanent vegetative state is unlikely.  Hearing this news really hit my sister hard who was still trying to be optimistic in the face of all of the other bad news up until that point.  We hugged and cried together.

Throughout the day we were both making and fielding calls.  We contacted a number of mom’s friends as well as people she was doing house sitting for to fill them in on the situation. Both Torrin and I were very touched by the kindness and compassion that was extended to us by everyone we talked to.  It was very nice to have Torrin there to help me shoulder some of that responsibility.

Torrin, Cindy and I returned to the hospital again last night for awhile.  Mom seemed calmer and more relaxed than any other time since she entered the hospital.  I was at least glad to see her body not appear so taxed.

My brother is flying in today.  The plan is to see if anything has changed in mom’s higher brain function. If not we will likely start honoring her living will and let nature run it’s course as she would have wanted.

These last few days have been filled with a washing machine of emotions, constantly shifting back and forth.  I still have been holding up pretty well outside of a dull headache that never seems to go away.  I am trying to not let my mind fall off into a bottomless pit of sorrow where all I do is think of what was and won’t be ever again.  The hardest part is when I have to actually verbalize certain things.  Suddenly the air leaves my lungs and no words will come out.

I again can’t thank everyone enough that has reached out to my family with prayers, well wishes  and kindness.  It is appreciated more than I can express.