Goodbye

My sister and I headed to the hospital late yesterday morning to see my mom.  Unfortunately I all but knew any update that we would be given was not going to be positive.  We were told that the neurologist was already in again and reconfirmed what we already discussed the day prior, there was no higher level brain function remaining.  On the positive side mom looked much calmer and peaceful than any other time since she entered the hospital.  The tremors were pretty much gone at this point.  Her skin felt very warm to the touch.  We reaffirmed our desire to the doctor that we want to move ahead with removing life support once my brother arrived to ensure there was a consensus.

Torrin and I did not stay that long in the morning because we had to head up to the airport to pick up Todd who booked a one way flight to Florida.  This was the first time that Torrin and Todd have been in Naples in a long, long time.  It was very sad that it was due to this unexpected tragedy.  We first stopped at the house to drop off Todd’s things.  I converted the hobby room into a makeshift second guest bedroom by moving some things out of there and setting up the queen size inflatable bed we have.

After a little time had passed we headed down to the hospital.  Torrin and I warned Todd ahead of time that it was very difficult to see mom in this condition.  In some sort of weird way, I had built up a little resistance to it after 4 days.  I could tell when Todd saw her it upset him. Todd of course agreed that mom would want nothing to do with being hooked up to machines to stick around.  We spoke again to the doctor and told them we were all on board with removing life support.

There were then discussions about what can happen after the respirator is removed.  The nurse and doctor said a patient can fade very quickly or in some cases linger on for days.  The latter scenario absolutely horrified Torrin despite assurance that if that was the case mom would feel no pain or discomfort.  I understood her concern but it still didn’t change my resolve one inch to make sure mom was allowed to pass. There was also talk about getting hospice involved if it looked like mom would be able to continue breathing on her own.  The nurse made arrangements to have hospice come in to talk to us.

So they told us to go to the waiting room while they removed the breathing tube.  After a few minutes the nurse came in and said something that some people might take as inappropriate, “We are in luck, she is going to go fast.”  It may have sounded bizarre to say your mothers imminent death was a lucky thing but I absolutely understood what she meant.  It’s exactly what we all hoped for her.

Cindy had rushed to the hospital after work so she was by my side as we reentered mom’s hospital room.  It was shocking how quickly her appearance transformed once the respirator was removed.  I stood there and held mom’s hand as her breathing and heart rate continually slowed as the sounds of crying filled the room.  We told mom we loved her as we watched her final wish be fulfilled.  To say it was heart wrenching would be an understatement.

The nurse stepped in after a few minutes, around 5:15 PM and told us she was gone.  We stayed with mom for awhile, saying whatever there was left to say.  Before I walked out I kissed her forehead one last time, told her I loved her, and closed the curtain behind me.

I talked with the nurse for awhile about what was next.  Mom was an organ donor so they put in a call to the University of Miami whom actually handles the donation.  I was also given a list of funeral homes as a reference.

The two main nurses we have dealt with while my mom was in the hospital are named Jean and Carol, both of them consoled my family.  They were absolutely fantastic during this ordeal.  They were patient, understanding, kind and very loving towards us.  The doctors we dealt with at NCH were also extremely compassionate and sensitive to the situation.  I don’t think I could have asked to be treated any better than the way the treated my mom and us.

They said that they really admired how we were able to allow my mom’s living will wishes to be carried out.  Surprisingly, they said that more often than not the family will ignore these directives because they aren’t willing to let a loved one pass, sometimes for emotional reasons, sometimes because they have something to gain by the person remaining technically alive.

While we were in the room with my mom the cardiologist that put in the stent to fix the blockage in her artery stopped in.  He offered us his condolences but also gave us a more detailed description of what exactly happened with mom’s heart attack.  We were under the assumption that the blockage mom had was something that was throwing off warning signs ahead of time as mom had made some complaints of dizzyness and arm pain to my sister recently.  The thing is mom has had long term dizzyness issues and bad shoulders with various aches and pains forever.

The cardiologist said that in mom’s case it appears this was an acute and very sudden blockage.  He said it was the type caused when some plaque build up on the wall of an artery ruptures.  The body detects that rupture as an injury and sends clotting agents to stop it.  Well in this situation those clotting agents that are supposed to protect the body, actually caused the blockage.  The doctor said overall her arteries did not look bad otherwise.

In a weird way it was good to hear that explanation.  It was also good that my mom passed almost immediately when the respirator was removed.  It absolved us of any doubt of if mom was ready to go or not. She was.

We started putting out the word to people about mom’s passing and received an huge groundswell of supportive thoughts and wishes.  It has all been very appreciated and has touched my heart in a special way.  For the next few days my brother, sister and I are going to be diving headfirst into sorting out as much as we can as quickly as we can.  Obviously there are a lot of things that now need to happen.

My mom wished to be cremated.  Once that happens we are talking about doing an informal memorial service both down here in Florida and up in Pennsylvania since mom had people that loved her in both locations.  We think we will spread her remains into the ocean, I can’t think of a place she would rather be.

I don’t know where mom is this very instant but wherever it is I hope they have internet access so she can keep reading the blog as she has always has.

I love you always Mom.  Goodbye.