Archives 2014

It’s odd, it doesn’t feel like my mom being gone has really sunk in yet despite it now being one week since she passed.  It feels like I am still able to pick up the phone and call her or drive be her community pool and see her out there chatting with the pool ladies.  Of course I can no longer do these things but I wonder when that reality will become more accepted internally.

On Monday I contacted pretty much everyone that needed to be contacted regarding my mom’s death.  My current focus is getting the will filed with the clerk of courts and getting my mom’s remains in my possession.  Due to what seems stupid rules and procedures, my mom has still not been cremated.  I am hoping it finally happens today.

I figure it would be a good thing to not focus exclusively on my mom’s passing, after all it is a pretty sad subject.  I thought a good old fashioned rant would help clear the pipes.  Let’s talk about the ice bucket challenge.

For those of you that are living in a dark cave somewhere, the ice bucket challenge is this years version of the Harlem Shake, a viral phenomenon where people are dumping ice water on their heads on video to raise ALS (Lou Gehrigs Diesease) awareness.  Prior to dumping water on your head you are supposed to name other individuals that you are challenging to do the same thing.  If you don’t take the challenge you are supposedly tasked with donating $100 to ALS, if you decide to go the ice route, a smaller $10 donation is advised.

Ok let me first say something positive, raising awareness about ALS is a good thing as is raising awareness about any serious disease or ailment.  But come on,how many people honestly care about ALS awareness that dump the ice? If you ask me, precious few.   This is all about looking silly, and encouraging others to look silly,which I guess is fine but the lemming mentality of it is something that I certainly don’t embrace myself.

However the thing that really perturbs me is when you start to look at where the national ALS foundation spends it’s money.  Their most recent public filing shows that only 22% of the revenue they took in was actually given back out to help ALS research.   The CEO of the organization was earning 325K in 2012 and every single position listed in their filing was paying at least 6 figures.

Unfortunately this is a very common scenario.  Somebody a long time ago realized that preying on the good will and charity of others is a great way to make a living.  Very few individuals that donate to a charity will take that extra step to actually look into how that organization is spending the money that is so generously donated to them.  For those of us that like to look behind the curtain, http://guidestar.org contains the full disclosure information for just about any charity you can imagine.    To me, skimming 78% off the top for salary and expenses is pretty egregious, unfortunately there are many examples of charities that give even less back, one of the biggest being Suzy G Komen.

So what exactly am I saying? Don’t do the ice bucket challenge? No.  If you want to do the challenge feel free, it’s your right to do so.  Personally I won’t be participating due to my built in dislike of going with the flow. But I would encourage you to be more picky about who and how you donate money to a cause.  Find ways to be charitable in a more direct manner instead of throwing money at charity custodians that sleep just fine at night skimming large chunks of money off the top for personal gain.

So yesterday I was busy making calls to tons of different places trying to get accounts of my mom resolved.   For the most part it was a positive experience, everyone was nice, cooperative, understanding, and offered their condolences, except one place, Century Link, who provided internet and land line service for mom.  I told the guy that my mom passed away last week and I needed to cancel her service.  The guy offered no “I’m sorry to hear that”, simply “What is the account number”.

I give him the information he asked for.  He then tells me there is a $200 early cancellation fee.  Well despite being a bit beaten down from the events of the last week  this instantly got my fuse burning.  I asked him how there could be an early termination fee when she has had the service for over four years?  My fuse expired when the guy says to me “Why did you say you were cancelling again?”  “WERE YOU NOT LISTENING? MY MOTHER DIED LAST WEEK” I blurted out abruptly and angrily.  I couldn’t believe he was paying so little attention.

The guy then tells me that the fee is waived if a customer is deceased, how nice.  He told me things were cancelled but was unable to provide me with some sort of confirmation number.  He said confirmation would arrive in the mail.  Idiots.

Another one of my calls was to the hospital billing department.  I was trying to get a handle on if I could be seeing any surprise huge bills connected with mom’s care.  As has been the case with every NCH staff member I have dealt with in the past week, the woman on the other line was extremely kind and accommodating.  She explained to me exactly how it all works and that I should not be scared by the massive bill I will be seeing in the mail.  She said that it will be submitted to Medicare and between that and the insurance supplement that mom carried more than likely it will take care of the medical expenses which is a big relief.  She even gave me her direct number if I needed anything going forward, so nice.

When we were cleaning out mom’s place we found a single pack of cigarettes in the small cabinets above the stove.  Evidently this was mom’s emergency pack.  A tired smile came across my face when I saw it was still wrapped in plastic and untouched.  The pack was thrown in the trash, something I wish we could have done permanently 40 years ago.

One of the bigger challenges in cleaning out mom’s place was what to do with my old 61″ Sony projection TV that I gave to mom years ago.  Mom loved the tv and it still worked just fine despite no maintenance in 13 years.  The problem is nobody wants older style tv’s anymore, even charities.  I tried giving it to the donation center a couple miles from mom’s place but they said they don’t take any TV’s produced before 2007.  So we wound up using the truck Todd rented to deposit the tv in the garage at the house.

Now I probably could have dicked around, listed the tv on Craigslist and gotten a handful of dollars for it but I just did not feel like adding that to my already long list of to do’s.  Instead I utilized my pretty reliable curbside disposal service.  I rolled the tv to the road, attached a sign that said WORKS GREAT, FREE and crossed my fingers.  When Torrin, Cindy and I left for an errand the tv was still there.  On our way back it started to rain which concerned me, if the tv was sitting out in the pouring rain it surely would no longer be worth anything to anyone.  I breathed a very large sigh of relief when we approached the house and saw the 61″ behemoth was gone.  When we built the house in 2001 the Sony tv was the crown jewel, fitting beautifully in the entertainment nook.  To have what was then a $3500 tv given away more than decade later felt a bit weird but if it continues to serve somebody else needs going forward I’m happy enough with that.

I was so tired on the way home last night it was ridiculous and dangerous.  I literally could not keep my eyes open and caught myself more than once momentarily dozing off.  Sunday night I awoke before 4AM to pee but could not fall back asleep as my mind was racing between everything I needed to do.  Last night my sleep was again interrupted by Nicki whining by the bedside to go out at 4:45 AM, something she never ever does at Ali’s place.  I’m hoping to get my first solid block of sleep in awhile tonight as I returned the dogs to Ali’s place this morning.

So as you can imagine the days since my mom’s passing have been very, very busy and filled with emotion.  On Thursday morning we went to make the arrangements for mom’s cremation.  The guy we dealt with was very understanding and thorough.  Their services include notifying Social Security, providing multiple death certificates and notifying the credit bureaus so some dirt bag cant try to get credit under my mom’s identity.  We were also warned to keep any obituary we write deliberately vague as these same criminals will scour obits looking for info to help them with their disgusting craft.

Later, Todd, Torrin and I were over at my mom’s place trying to get a handle on cleaning it out.  Basically I wanted Todd and Torrin to decide if they wanted anything that was in there and then we would donate or throw out the vast majority of what was left.  As you can imagine, cleaning out each room contained various emotional landmines as we came across that things that had meaning or memories.

As the day went on the amount of things that Torrin and Todd wanted to keep was growing.  Todd suggested that maybe since he bought a one way plane ticket to get to Florida, instead of flying back he could rent a truck, allowing him to drive stuff north instead of paying to have it shipped.  It sounded like a good plan to me because I was envisioning having to rent a storage space to accommodate the furniture and other items until something could be figured out.  On Thursday evening he was able to secure a truck rental for a reasonable amount of money.

On Thursday I also met my mom’s landlord for the first time.  When mom rented the apartment, it was pretty much furnished but over the last 4 years mom swapped some stuff out so I needed the landlord to let us know what stuff was hers versus my mom’s.  She was very understanding and supportive of our loss.

Mom’s good friend Sara Lee was also over to help guide us.  Some of the furniture that was in there she had given to mom over the years so I asked her if she would like any of it back.  I didn’t think she would since surely she replaced the furniture with newer stuff. Well she said she could actually use some of it since she is an interior decorator, she said the stuff could be used to stage some homes she is working on.  She said she could have someone come and pick the stuff up.  Great, less for us to do. We made good progress on Thursday.  I had the van stuffed with donations.  Most of it went to The Shelter for Abused Women and I dropped huge three bags of towels to the Humane Society, something they always need.

On Friday morning we finally decided what to do as a remembrance for my mom.  We were worried that if we had it down in Naples that some of mom’s friends wouldn’t come.  After doing some checking it didn’t seem to be a problem so we decided to hold it at beautiful Lowdermilk Park on Saturday evening.

On Friday we were very busy trying to wrap up the lionshare of the remaining work, we loaded up the 16 foot truck with stuff for both Todd and Torrin.  By the time we were done all that was really left was a few scattered things along with the need to clean the place which Cindy and I planned to do later.

During the day I was mostly numb as has been the case since last Sunday when mom had her heart attack.  There were however random moments when intense emotion would bubble up.  During one of my trips walking back from the nearby dumpster I had one of these moments as thunder rumbled overhead. I felt intense sadness and anger.  As I was approaching the moving truck I had a very strong desire to just start punching it repeatedly until either my fist or the truck broke first.  Luckily I did not embrace my inner raging being.

Todd had originally talked of pulling out for PA late Friday night as he needed to get home.  He was talking of doing the drive more or less straight.  Luckily he changed his mind.  Instead the four of us stayed up late Friday night drinking beer and reminiscing about funny times gone by.  If my mom was witnessing it I am sure she was smiling broadly.

Todd did get up early on Saturday and pulled out before any of us woke up.  He left somewhere close to 6AM and pulled into his place in PA somewhere between 2 and 3AM Sunday morning.  It must have been a pretty miserable drive.  Along  with the stuff at mom’s place we also loaded up mom’s old antique corner cupboard that has been in the house since she moved down.  Mom never wanted to move it the places she rented so it has just sat in the office for the last 10 years.  Well I had no attachment to it and Todd always wanted it since his house is heavily decorated with older furniture so I told him to take it.  The spot the cupboard took up was now filled with the custom decorative barrel my uncle made for my parents back in the 70’s.  It was a trade up in my view.

On Saturday we had a lot of prep to do for the remembrance.  Cindy, who had felt bad she couldn’t help more since she started her new job last week, had really grabbed the reins for the event, wanting to make sure it was beautiful and not to require us to do much planning.  She said she would take care of it.  She really delivered on the promise.

She left before Torrin and I did for the park.  I brought three different shirts.  One to help set up before, a collared shirt for the remembrance and another t-shirt to put on afterward.  When Torrin and I got there Cindy was already hard at work, we jumped in to help.  My big contribution was a slideshow presentation that I wanted to set up on the table where the guest book was.  It was a laptop, a monitor and a wi-fi hotspot.  As the close to 90 pictures I collected covering various points of mom’s life displayed I had a Pandora station playing in the background.

Of course to pull this off I needed power.  I brought my entire collection of extension cords to help facilitate that.  Getting power to the tents was a 20-25 minute ordeal.  I did not want to run the cord across the walking paths from the outlet which was a couple hundred feet away because of the potential trip hazard.  Instead I used a stick to dig out a small trench under the boardwalk.  I then tied the extension cord to the stick and jammed it as far as I could under the boardwalk.  I went to the other side and jammed my arm in as far as I could reach until I felt the cord and could yank it through.  I emerged a sandy, sweaty mess. Torrin and Cindy were doing most of the decorating, complete with around 20 white balloons.  They did a really nice job of making everything look great.  We had plenty of water, wine and a nice little spread of food.  My buddy Sean also showed up early to help us set up which was very nice of him.

As people started showing up I figured I better put on my collared shirt.  There was a good mix of people from the circles of both my mom and myself, in total close to 40 people were in attendance.  I was surprised to see Randall and Lily show up since they both live on the east coast, I certainly did not expect them to log a 200 mile round trip.  It was very, very kind of both of them.

I tried to make my way around to everyone that was there to thank them for coming.  I got on the PA system I brought along and encouraged people to indulge in the food and drink we had available.  Some did but it seemed like most people just hung out.

We waited until closer to 6:30 to get started, I let Torrin go first.  She had made some notes to use as speaking points.  She did a good job, despite her voice cracking a few times.  I stood by her side as she tried to talk about all of the positives that mom brought into the lives of both her family and friends.

I went next.  There was no way I was going to wing it.  I put too much importance into making sure I used words that were thought out, heartfelt but not overly verbose.  I spent close to two hours in the morning trying to craft a single page.  Here is what I said.

As I stare here at a blank page, trying to figure out how you are supposed to represent the life of your mother in a few paragraphs, I am struggling. How do you describe an entire lifetime of love and support that a mother provides for her children?

As her son I knew Mom as a loving parent who time and again would do the best that she could to ensure I was provided for. She truly was my rock solid foundation. No matter what situation or trouble I found myself in I could always count on my mom to support me when I needed it and to tell me when I was acting dumb when I deserved it.

My mom’s hard work ethic, sense of responsibility, kindness, and humor are all qualities that she passed on to her children which I am eternally grateful for.

I have many fond memories of mom growing up like our annual vacations to Rehoboth Beach, countless afternoons spent at the Green Valley pool, and our Christmas Eve family dinners where mom did all of the work with little acclaim, while my grandfather complained that he didn’t like eating by candlelight because he couldn’t see his food.

When my parents divorced, mom was thrust from the role of a housewife into that of a family provider overnight. She was able to build a long and successful career as a salesperson using nothing more than her honesty, friendliness and smile.

I was proud of my mom when she took the brave step over 10 years ago of leaving Pennsylvania to join me here in Florida. She loved Florida winters and having a surplus of sunshine year round. She also was able to make a new circle of good friends here in Florida, many of which are here today. I know my mom cherished these relationships.

Mom was lucky enough to see her children have children of their own. I know my sister has relied on my mom time and again for advice as she raises her own two beautiful children. My dogs, Nicki & Sadie loved their grandma. As soon as Nicki would spot my mom she would grab a toy as a gift and rush towards her with her tail wagging uncontrollably.  

I was most recently proud of my mom after she decided to finally give up cigarettes cold turkey in January, something I had always wanted her to do since I was a young boy. I used to hide or even throw her cigarettes out, until I got punished for doing it of course. For her to finally quit smoking on her own was very special to me.

Anybody that knew my mom knows that despite her far too soon sudden passing, it is exactly the way she would have wanted it to be with no pain and no suffering.

One time when I was discussing aspects of life with my mom she told me that she judged how successful her life was by the type of people her children grew up to be. She told me she was content that she did a good job.

Based on the outpouring of love, support and kindness I have witnessed the last several days for my mom I think she can rest peacefully, knowing she touched the lives of so many people in a positive way.

I was relieved that I was able to deliver these words cleanly and in a way that displayed the feeling behind them.  I had to pause once early on but for the most part I held it together.  Slamming a couple glasses of wine beforehand probably helped.

Cindy then read a poem/prayer she had found.  It was very hard for her to get through it as she tried to talk through the tears and emotion.  It was very sweet.

Ali was the only other person to speak.  She delivered a very touching tribute to my mom, talking about the years of great memories, how she was like a second mother to her and how whenever she sees a rainbow for the rest of her life she will think of my mom, since mom loved rainbows and always pointed them out.  I really appreciated her words as well as the support she has offered since the tragedy.

Most people headed out shortly after we were done speaking.  A few stuck around to talk and help.  Torrin and I snuck away for a walk down the beach.  We had both drank a decent amount of wine so the words were flowing freely.  As we slowly walked along the water we talked a lot about mom and all that had gone down in the week prior.  It’s been pretty staggering.  When we returned people were working hard on starting to take stuff down.  Most of the 20 balloons were already cut loose to rise into the evening sky.  Torrin and I released the last two white balloons together, a symbolic way to let mom go to whatever awaits everyone once their life on Earth is over.  It was a very fitting culmination of a very difficult week.

I had not eaten any food at all during the entire event, I relied exclusively on white wine to keep me going.  Randall, Torrin, Cindy, Cindy’s mom, and I decided to stop and grab some food afterward.  We all enjoyed some Chicago style pizza as we talked freely.  I told Randall he was welcome to crash on the inflatable mattress at the house instead of driving back to Coral Springs at night.  He assured us he was ok and he actually had plans for a long bike ride the next morning so he needed to get back anyway.  I again thanked him for coming, it really was a nice gesture that I won’t forget.

On Sunday morning I started on the daunting task of going through, putting away and organizing the stuff that I pulled from mom’s place.  The house looked to be in pretty massive disarray with stuff scattered about.  I just got busy attending to things one at a time, all that you can really do.

Shortly after lunch we dropped Torrin off at the airport for her trip home.  I am so grateful that she came down and helped me split up some of the responsibilities as well as help shoulder some of the emotional burden we both are feeling.  She now has to coordinate with my brother to try to do some sort of similar remembrance ceremony up in the Reading area in the near future for mom’s circle of friends that still live in the PA area.

Cindy and I headed back to mom’s apartment to do a final cleaning.  Cindy is a cleaning tornado and worked primarily on stuff like dusting and cleaning the bathrooms and counters.  I concentrated mostly on the floors, sweeping all the carpets and then using my mom’s Shark steamer to clean the tile in the bathroom and kitchen.  It was a pretty somber experience removing all traces of my mom’s life in the apartment..  When we finished up the place looked sterilized.

I drove my mom’s Rav 4 back to the house while Cindy drove her Prius.   Since the AC in the Rav 4 is not working it was an all four windows down driving experience.  By the time we got home my back was quite wet with sweat.

The rest of Sunday I was consumed with more sorting and organizing while Cindy busted her ass taking care of other stuff that needed to be done.  I at least got the list of papers related to my mom’s estate organized and formulated a game plan to get stuff rolling.

I am now back at work, trying to resume my life in whatever way is considered normal from here on out.  The tragic, sudden passing of my mom as well as the enormous outpouring of love and support that I have received in the aftermath has been life changing.  There are so many things up in the air right now but the one thing I am absolutely  sure about is my mom would be so very happy that her children came together to support each other and to memorialize her in an appropriately beautiful way.

My sister and I headed to the hospital late yesterday morning to see my mom.  Unfortunately I all but knew any update that we would be given was not going to be positive.  We were told that the neurologist was already in again and reconfirmed what we already discussed the day prior, there was no higher level brain function remaining.  On the positive side mom looked much calmer and peaceful than any other time since she entered the hospital.  The tremors were pretty much gone at this point.  Her skin felt very warm to the touch.  We reaffirmed our desire to the doctor that we want to move ahead with removing life support once my brother arrived to ensure there was a consensus.

Torrin and I did not stay that long in the morning because we had to head up to the airport to pick up Todd who booked a one way flight to Florida.  This was the first time that Torrin and Todd have been in Naples in a long, long time.  It was very sad that it was due to this unexpected tragedy.  We first stopped at the house to drop off Todd’s things.  I converted the hobby room into a makeshift second guest bedroom by moving some things out of there and setting up the queen size inflatable bed we have.

After a little time had passed we headed down to the hospital.  Torrin and I warned Todd ahead of time that it was very difficult to see mom in this condition.  In some sort of weird way, I had built up a little resistance to it after 4 days.  I could tell when Todd saw her it upset him. Todd of course agreed that mom would want nothing to do with being hooked up to machines to stick around.  We spoke again to the doctor and told them we were all on board with removing life support.

There were then discussions about what can happen after the respirator is removed.  The nurse and doctor said a patient can fade very quickly or in some cases linger on for days.  The latter scenario absolutely horrified Torrin despite assurance that if that was the case mom would feel no pain or discomfort.  I understood her concern but it still didn’t change my resolve one inch to make sure mom was allowed to pass. There was also talk about getting hospice involved if it looked like mom would be able to continue breathing on her own.  The nurse made arrangements to have hospice come in to talk to us.

So they told us to go to the waiting room while they removed the breathing tube.  After a few minutes the nurse came in and said something that some people might take as inappropriate, “We are in luck, she is going to go fast.”  It may have sounded bizarre to say your mothers imminent death was a lucky thing but I absolutely understood what she meant.  It’s exactly what we all hoped for her.

Cindy had rushed to the hospital after work so she was by my side as we reentered mom’s hospital room.  It was shocking how quickly her appearance transformed once the respirator was removed.  I stood there and held mom’s hand as her breathing and heart rate continually slowed as the sounds of crying filled the room.  We told mom we loved her as we watched her final wish be fulfilled.  To say it was heart wrenching would be an understatement.

The nurse stepped in after a few minutes, around 5:15 PM and told us she was gone.  We stayed with mom for awhile, saying whatever there was left to say.  Before I walked out I kissed her forehead one last time, told her I loved her, and closed the curtain behind me.

I talked with the nurse for awhile about what was next.  Mom was an organ donor so they put in a call to the University of Miami whom actually handles the donation.  I was also given a list of funeral homes as a reference.

The two main nurses we have dealt with while my mom was in the hospital are named Jean and Carol, both of them consoled my family.  They were absolutely fantastic during this ordeal.  They were patient, understanding, kind and very loving towards us.  The doctors we dealt with at NCH were also extremely compassionate and sensitive to the situation.  I don’t think I could have asked to be treated any better than the way the treated my mom and us.

They said that they really admired how we were able to allow my mom’s living will wishes to be carried out.  Surprisingly, they said that more often than not the family will ignore these directives because they aren’t willing to let a loved one pass, sometimes for emotional reasons, sometimes because they have something to gain by the person remaining technically alive.

While we were in the room with my mom the cardiologist that put in the stent to fix the blockage in her artery stopped in.  He offered us his condolences but also gave us a more detailed description of what exactly happened with mom’s heart attack.  We were under the assumption that the blockage mom had was something that was throwing off warning signs ahead of time as mom had made some complaints of dizzyness and arm pain to my sister recently.  The thing is mom has had long term dizzyness issues and bad shoulders with various aches and pains forever.

The cardiologist said that in mom’s case it appears this was an acute and very sudden blockage.  He said it was the type caused when some plaque build up on the wall of an artery ruptures.  The body detects that rupture as an injury and sends clotting agents to stop it.  Well in this situation those clotting agents that are supposed to protect the body, actually caused the blockage.  The doctor said overall her arteries did not look bad otherwise.

In a weird way it was good to hear that explanation.  It was also good that my mom passed almost immediately when the respirator was removed.  It absolved us of any doubt of if mom was ready to go or not. She was.

We started putting out the word to people about mom’s passing and received an huge groundswell of supportive thoughts and wishes.  It has all been very appreciated and has touched my heart in a special way.  For the next few days my brother, sister and I are going to be diving headfirst into sorting out as much as we can as quickly as we can.  Obviously there are a lot of things that now need to happen.

My mom wished to be cremated.  Once that happens we are talking about doing an informal memorial service both down here in Florida and up in Pennsylvania since mom had people that loved her in both locations.  We think we will spread her remains into the ocean, I can’t think of a place she would rather be.

I don’t know where mom is this very instant but wherever it is I hope they have internet access so she can keep reading the blog as she has always has.

I love you always Mom.  Goodbye.

As you can imagine the last 48 hours have been very difficult for a lot of people.  On Monday before my sister arrived Ali offered to help me look for important papers at my mom’s place.  Although Cindy and I had found the will and living will we had not found a power of attorney paper, something mom had always said she wanted to name me as.  Ali’s job puts her in an environment where many people are in end of life situations so she was able to give me some very helpful advice and guidance.

Before going through the papers Ali also helped me retrieve my mom’s car from the towing place.  It was not a very professional environment, let’s just say that. She also accompanied me to the hospital to see mom and to talk to the medical staff, asking questions that I may not have necessarily known to ask.

One of those questions was asking for the hospital to contact the Lee county EMS department to get their log of the call to assist my mom.  Specifically we were trying to get times so we could match it up with when she left her place on Sunday which was verified by two of her friends to be 7:20 AM.  I had called the EMS office and they would not release any of that information to me due to privacy laws.  When Ali first asked about getting the records it didn’t seem like the nurse gave it much importance however when we asked again to the attending doctor he agreed to try to get the information.

As it is for me, it was tough for Ali to see my mom in this condition.  The tremors that we saw previously appeared to have amplified, her body was pulsing like a short circuited machine.  I dropped Ali off on my way to pick up my sister at the airport.  I told her I really appreciated her help.

Torrin and I headed back to the hospital later on Monday.  I had already warned her that it was going to be difficult and scary to see mom this way.  Of course as soon as we got there it was very upsetting.  My personal sorrow for my mom was amplified by seeing the sorrow come from my sister as we stood there holding mom’s hands.  We again saw the doctor and he told us they did indeed get a report from EMS.  They said 911 was called at 7:33 and EMS arrived on site at 7:45.  The intersection where mom passed out was only a mile or so away from her house so when we ran the timeline it meant that she was likely in her car with no pulse for at least 20 minutes.

As soon as I heard this information the harsh reality that I already pretty much knew was confirmed.  She was just down too long.  I was amazed that you could even restore a pulse after that period of time.  In retrospect, I wish they didn’t, an opinion I can guarantee you my mom would echo.  Of course EMS had no idea how long mom was down so they did all they could to save her.

Yesterday Torrin and I returned to mom’s condo to do a third search of her paperwork, hoping to turn up a power of attorney document as well as additional medical records.  Torrin actually had never been in the condo.  The last time she was visiting mom was in the unit across the street.  After doing that we headed back to the hospital to see if anything had changed overnight.  There was a change visually.  The constant tremors had settled down, replaced with just a low rumble that seemed to primarily affect he abdomen and right side.  Mom looked very, very tired.

While we were there we talked to both the primary care doctor and the neurologist.  At this point my mom was not sedated and up to normal temperature.  Both doctors indicated that they are not seeing any of the basic reactive response to stimulation that they were hoping for.  They said that unfortunately this points to major brain damage and anything beyond a permanent vegetative state is unlikely.  Hearing this news really hit my sister hard who was still trying to be optimistic in the face of all of the other bad news up until that point.  We hugged and cried together.

Throughout the day we were both making and fielding calls.  We contacted a number of mom’s friends as well as people she was doing house sitting for to fill them in on the situation. Both Torrin and I were very touched by the kindness and compassion that was extended to us by everyone we talked to.  It was very nice to have Torrin there to help me shoulder some of that responsibility.

Torrin, Cindy and I returned to the hospital again last night for awhile.  Mom seemed calmer and more relaxed than any other time since she entered the hospital.  I was at least glad to see her body not appear so taxed.

My brother is flying in today.  The plan is to see if anything has changed in mom’s higher brain function. If not we will likely start honoring her living will and let nature run it’s course as she would have wanted.

These last few days have been filled with a washing machine of emotions, constantly shifting back and forth.  I still have been holding up pretty well outside of a dull headache that never seems to go away.  I am trying to not let my mind fall off into a bottomless pit of sorrow where all I do is think of what was and won’t be ever again.  The hardest part is when I have to actually verbalize certain things.  Suddenly the air leaves my lungs and no words will come out.

I again can’t thank everyone enough that has reached out to my family with prayers, well wishes  and kindness.  It is appreciated more than I can express.

I debated if I wanted to even post anything.  I have decided to do so for some hope of a cathartic result.

I opened my eyes this morning hoping that the last 24 hours of my life had simply been a very realistic nightmare.  Within a few seconds reality swooped in.  Yes my mom actually did have a heart attack and is in the ICU unit.

I got a call yesterday morning on my home line right before 9AM.  I was actually minutes away from leaving for a bike ride to the waterpark which I would not have returned from for several hours.  I did not recognize the number on the caller id but since it was a local area code I figured I would answer it, a telemarketer is typically not going to call at that time.

The woman on the phone said she worked at North Collier hospital and asked if I was Shawn Duffey.  I told her I was.  She said she was very sorry to tell me that my mom had a very serious heart attack while she was in her car. My mind almost immediately went numb, almost as if it was trying to shield me from the surge of emotions that follow news like this. She handed the phone over to the on call doctor.

The doctor told me that my mom was found passed out behind the wheel at an intersection, presumably on her way to work.  911 was called and when paramedics arrived on scene she had no pulse.  Through CPR and paddles they were able to get her heart going again and transported her to the hospital.  The doctor described the heart attack as major and that she was going to be transported immediately to the downtown hospital to have the blockage that caused the heart attack removed.

He said that although the heart attack was very serious the bigger concern is my mom’s brain.  Nobody knows exactly how much time elapsed between her heart stopping and paramedics resuscitating her, meaning blood flow to her brain was interrupted.  The doctor was very honest and said that some degree of brain damage is likely if she was gone for a significant period of time.  I was already ahead of him, as soon as I heard the description of how it went down I knew this was very, very bad. The doctor told us where mom would be at the main hospital, who would be working on her and who we should talk to.  He again apologized for having to give me the news over the phone.

When I told Cindy what happened a look of horror came across her face.  Immediately she was ready to head out to the hospital.  I told her I needed to call my brother and sister right away and I could make other calls en route.  Todd I reached at home, I didn’t get to speak to Torrin until I was almost at the hospital.  Todd was pretty much speechless when I told him and Torrin reacted very emotionally.  I reached out to my uncle as well to let him know.

We got to the area of the hospital where they were working on mom and waited for news.  The cardiologist came out and told us that they used a stent to bypass the blockage in an artery that was pretty much completely obstructed.  He described my mom as being stable from a heart perspective. However he reiterated that the major concern is how her brain is.  The on call doctor said the plan was to drop my mom’s body temperature 10-15 degrees for the next 24 hours to try to protect her brain as much as possible.  She would be heavily sedated as well, it basically sounded like an induced coma to me.  He said they would be bringing her out shortly to take her upstairs.  He did warn us that she had what he described as tremors which can be a sign of brain trauma.

A few minutes later they wheeled mom out.  Seeing her instantly punched through my inner wall of emotional barriers as my eyes welled up.  The rhythmic tremors were immediately noticeable.  It was just very upsetting to see her this way.  We followed upstairs where we were once again directed to another waiting room while they got mom situated and hooked up to the multitude of machines responsible for her well being for the next 24 hours.

When they finally called us in it was very, very tough and a feeling I don’t recall ever having before.  It felt like I was in the room with mom but she wasn’t there with me.  She looked comfortable enough as Cindy and I stood there holding and rubbing her hands.  I didn’t talk much as my mind was racing trying to somehow find stable emotional footing.  I didn’t want to start thinking of mom in a past tense.

We talked again to the cardiologist.  He told us that the next 24 hours she is just going to be out.  After that they gradually warm her body and then try to do testing to see how severely the brain was affected.  He recommended that we stay a bit but then go attend to what needed to be taken care of, it’s just a waiting game at this point. I took his advice.  I  know the last thing my mom would want me to do is is just sit there.  I reached out to more of mom’s circle including her boss, her nearby friend and her landlord.  I contacted the place that towed my mom’s car away to find out how I can get it back which is more difficult than I imagined since my name isn’t on the title.

We went to her place to try to get a handle on what mom does and doesn’t have.  Walking into her condo was unsettling.  Knowing mom walked out the door of the place several hours earlier thinking this was just another Sunday was very sad.  Going through her place almost felt like an invasion of privacy although if things don’t get better this is only a minute scratch on the surface of what I will be doing.

I found her will and her living will.  My mom has always been very adamant that she has absolutely no desire to be kept alive artificially if something major would happen to her.   As I looked through her paperwork I stumbled across old pictures and letters that kept pulling up the pain which I had mostly kept submerged all day to the surface.  I couldn’t believe I was actually existing in this time and place.  We collected what I thought I could need short term and left.

I called the ICU last night for a status update but there was nothing significant except that her body temperature was now dropped to the target level.  They said she is continuing to have the tremors.

My sister is flying in today from PA today and staying the week to try to help with whatever the end result is going to be.  For the most part, I have been in cylon mode, not allowing myself to dwell on the sadness I feel and instead concentrate on what needs to be done.  Life is all about enduring what it presents to you.  For those of you that believe in some sort of a higher being, please say a prayer for my mom.

When I got home last night I noticed that most of the areas of the yard that have been underwater for most of the last week had actually dried up.  I changed and immediately hopped on the mower to just mow down those low areas as Cindy should have time today to mow the rest of it.  I have become conditioned to drop everything during the brief periods that the yard dries out during wet season.

Cindy had the chickens out in the yard while I was mowing.  All three of them were hanging up near the house taking turns sitting in the hole that Pebbles dug.  Cindy grabbed our 8th egg yesterday, all of which seem to have come from Betty.  We suspect that Wilma might be getting ready to lay as well.  She has been making some odd noises lately including the first ever classic two syllable chicken noise, BUK COK, last night.  Up until that point the chickens only made one syllable noises.

Yesterday my new Chuck Taylor sneakers arrived.  I had one pair of high top Chuck Taylors decades ago, a camouflage pair no less.  These navy blue low tops were bought primarily to be used for squats and deadlifting so I don’t have to walk around the gym in my socks.  The very flat and thin soles on these sneakers work well for that sort of lifting.  They also can pull double duty as a pretty hip footwear choice for casual attire.  I am sporting them at work today where we are allowed to dress down on Fridays.

I forgot to mention I am in the middle of watching Sharknado 2.  I got interested in it when I heard it promoted on the Stern show because Benjy is in it.  The movie is unapologetically low budget and cheesy but I have been laughing out loud a lot. I love all of the cameos of older/B list celebrities in the film as well.  For a free movie on the SyFy channel it’s hard to beat.

This weekend is pretty standard fare from what it is looking like, some work, some play, some exercise, and plenty of sweating.

I was discussing the ebola information I posted yesterday with Jeremy.  Another good point was brought up that makes it seem that there indeed could be more danger lurking under the hood than we have been told.  One of the people infected is a doctor that specializes in ebola.  Now think about that for a second.  If anyone would know about the proper precaution needed to not contract ebola it would be somebody like this.  Yet even he has now contracted the deadly virus. In my logical thought process this adds more weight to the theory that this latest iteration of the disease has jumped outside the boundaries we formerly thought constrained it.

Lets change subjects to something less population extinction focused.  Last night after work I had a brief meeting with a couple of the running club board members that are on the race committee.  The committee is tasked with taking a look at our races and identifying problem areas and things that can be done to make them better.  The problem is with only one board meeting a month there are things just do not get handled or thought through like they need to be.  Establishing side committees that meet independently of the board meetings is one way to try to fill in some of that gap.

The meeting was to discuss the club establishing a race series where participation/performance across multiple races is tabulated and scored so runners can see how they did over that time period.  The number of races, type of recognition/awards and how to handle the scoring are all things that will need to be established.  My timing software does have built in support to produce race series results using a number of preset templates.  If we use one of those it will make implementing the idea pretty easy from my standpoint.

Thanks to a big assist from Charlie’s programming wizardry we have finally completed the now 15 month long (originally told 3-4 weeks) migration to a new document imaging platform at work.  The vendor that sold us the product has more or less divorced themselves from supporting us in any tangible way, a testament to their utter incompetence.  Luckily, I am resourceful.

My one FB buddy posted this article yesterday regarding the most recent outbreak of the ebola virus.  Now pretty much everyone has heard of ebola, it’s been around for a long time.  It’s a very deadly virus that normally kills the majority of people that contract it.  Like many bad things in the world, it appears to have started in Africa.  Despite it’s lethality, ebola has not become a worldwide epidemic because to this point it has been determined that the only way it can be passed along is through direct contact with bodily fluids.  Well this article claims this latest outbreak in West Africa is different.

The virus is spreading at an alarming rate, throughout four countries thus far.  The speed that it is spreading has lead to speculation that this latest strain is actually able to spread without direct physical contact.  This is a potentially catastrophic mutation if it is indeed true.  The article claims the media is misinforming the public about the outbreak, perhaps intentionally, to head off the guaranteed worldwide panic that would ensue.

I have no idea how legitimate these claims are but I did see the video of the ebola infected person being taken into the Atlanta CDC in a full hazard suit.  If the virus was not potentially airborne, you would not think a haz-mat suit would be required.

Make no mistake, the end of the world as we know it is indeed coming in some manner and a global pandemic is tailor made for it.  The shrinking of the planet via air travel where people can hop scotch across the globe  in half a day into major population areas makes worldwide population decimation by an extremely deadly virus more of a probability instead of a remote possibility.  I suggest you don’t Google pictures of people with ebola.

Have a nice day.

Yesterday was a messy one in Collier County. Thanks to severe rain during the afternoon there were many areas that were severely flooded.  I was lucky that my route home did not take me through any of the areas that were impassable.  Unfortunately the drainage system in Naples is not very robust.

Of course when I got home the property was badly flooded.  My first thoughts were the chickens whom were out in the storms all day.  Luckily I had the coop and run closer to the house on higher ground so they weren’t in standing water.  The chickens were soaked however.  The wind blew the roof off the run and the sideways rain turned their food into mush.

The inside of the coop remained more or less dry but the chickens apparently did not seek shelter there.  It has seemed that they actually sort of like getting rained on for some reason.  I moved the coop all the way up the mound, next to the guest bedroom, where it would be safe from anything short of end of world flooding.

The deluge means any near term grass maintenance is not going to happen, welcome to the swamp.

Cindy has been dealing with an incredibly frustrating process trying to get her foot injury (probable stress fracture) handled via workmans comp.  She has been on a nearly two week holding pattern waiting to get the proper paperwork to simply allow her to get an MRI to confirm what X-rays indicate.    It truly seems like the master plan is to stall out/frustrate people to the point where they say f it and either don’t get treatment or they just pay it themselves.