A Whisper

I got stuck at the new office late last night, I didn’t get home until after 6.  When I ran home for lunch I checked on Cutie, I expected her to be dead based on the state I left her in the morning.  I was very surprised to see she was still hanging in there, she was hardly responsive, but hanging in there, still in the nesting box I set her up in.  I knelt down, petted and talked to her, letting her know I loved her and that everything was going to be ok.  Of course I was unable to say those things without crying, again.  If there is such a thing as a world record for crying over chickens, I am pretty sure I own it.  I headed back to work CERTAIN that when I returned I would be having another chicken burial last night.

So by the time I got out to the coop last night it was almost dark.  I did a double take when I saw Cutie was no longer in the nesting box but on the sand of the chicken run, I have no idea how she managed to get the strength to get out of the box and move a few feet.  She was still alive but still apparently on death’s door, hardly responding when I picked her up.  I put fresh shavings in a nesting box and set her up on the floor of the coop for the night, once again certain that this would be the last time I saw her alive.

When I walked out to the coop at 5:30 AM I was already trying to sort out if I was going to try to immediately bury her this morning or after work.  I open the door and she is still with us.  She is only a whisper at this point but still here.  I set up another nesting box with fresh wood chips and placed her in the chicken run with water beside her although she clearly is no longer eating or drinking.  For the third time I said my tearful goodbyes to Cutie.  At this point I just hope she passes quietly so her suffering can come to an end.  The emotional distress associated with losing these birds is light years beyond what I ever could have imagined going into this.  I thought it would be all sunshine, rainbows and free fresh eggs.  Yes we did get several hundred free eggs but the time, money, effort, and emotions that went into those eggs is enormous.

The weekend has no formal structure other than a few chores.  My state of mind has been poor and I don’t expect it to change much in the near future, if I am being honest.  That is part of the reason I wanted to give running another shot, the physical toll it imparts on my body helps wash away whatever mental toxicity is swirling around.