Getting to the human, A Revelation

Last night on my way home from work I decided I wanted to stop at SportClips and get a fresh “skin fade” hair cut for my trip to PA next week.  I was hoping to see the stylist I had the first time but she was busy so I got called back by a woman named Suzanne instead.  Suzanne was older than me, I think, she could have just had a rough road.  She sat me down and within the first couple minutes she asked me if I had heard if Trump declared to run for president or not, evidently she didn’t hear the news.  I told her he did officially declare which she seemed excited about.  I then mentioned how there is already controversy between him and Desantis.  She did not seem to know of the rumors of Ron potentially running for president.

So there were times when just the revelation of someone’s affinity for Trump would hit the immediate off switch for me.  I would close the door to any further significant communication.  However I did not choose to dwell on her political preferences.  I noticed she was limping so I asked her what was wrong.  She said her feet have been a mess for years from a lifetime of being on them, she said she has been a hairdresser her entire life.  In an attempt to get by she has been getting steroid injections but she evidently had some sort of reaction that now has caused extreme pain in one of her feet.  I immediately felt compassion for her.

We continued to talk about her history, where she is from, what she drives, where she lives and a variety of other things.  She buzzed me down, probably a little more aggressively than the other woman but it still looked better than anything I could muster.  When I checked out I decided to leave her a 50% tip.  Cutting through to the human being inside of political facades felt good.  Her life sounded anything but easy and I hoped to help in a tiny way. I definitely do enjoy having someone else cut my hair.

I had a weird revelation last night while I was in bed listening to a guided meditation.  In these exercises you are just trying to unplug your brain, not think about the countless things that normally occupy the space.  I have been asked and have talked about the weird phenomenon where in normal human conversation I typically am very terse and to the point, rarely communicating more than the bare minimum with a few exceptions.  However stick me in front of camera shooting a video or live streaming, the gag comes off and I talk incessantly.  It has always been a bizarre contrast that I never really understood the reason behind, until now.

What I realized during meditation is my overly active brain is once again the culprit.  When I am talking to people I find myself instantly analyzing their facial expressions, body language and demeanor towards me.  I use this information to gauge their level of interest in what I am saying.  Because I have a loud inner critic more often than not my analysis will be they are tuned out, uninterested, or something else with a negative aspect. The normal end result of this is getting out of the conversation, at times awkwardly.  Some times I will also be scrambling to figure out what to say next when the conversation swings back my way.  Depending on what state my brain is and the person I am speaking to, this can be another difficult/awkward sticking point.

So what I realized last night is when I am talking to a recording device that roadblock and analysis is removed.  My brain is not required to analyze my interaction/words and their affect on somebody else.  I can just, talk.  It may seem like an odd revelation to most but it was a moment of clarity for myself, how my overactive brain is the root cause of a lot of dysfunction in multiple aspects of my life.  I think my efforts to quiet, slow, and calm it is time well spent.