Worst nightmare, fat is back
Well today was my physical. I arrived promptly at 8. The nurse took me right in and asked for a urine sample. I told her I just went before I came there, I didn’t know I had to give one. She said I could wait and do it at the end. So I get weighed and then escorted into the exam room. I have the normal stuff like temperature and blood pressure done. Then she wheels in an EKG machine. You know you are getting old when they do EKG’s on you. The nurse brings in a gown for me but doesn’t offer any instructions, should I be in my boxers or full monty? Well after my embarrassing moment during my hernia exam where I left the boxers on, only to have to drop them later in front of the female doctor (and nurse witness), I decided to just take the boxers off too.
So then the PA comes in. It is a different woman than I had before. It comes out that she is no longer there. Oh ok, too bad. The woman I had before was the one that told me that at 39 I can get away without a prostate exam. At 40, that changes, which was the entire reason I was getting it done now.
So the woman comes in and is very nice, she asks me a ton of questions about my medical history. Then she goes into what she will be doing. She said since I don’t have a family history of problems, they don’t worry about colon exams until 50. Whew, what a relief I thought. I joked to the PA that I was happy to hear that. Then the words are spoken, “I will however be doing a prostate exam…..” What??? I tried to blanket my inner horror at her plans. I said something like, “You are? Greeeeeeaaaaaaat…….”
I tried to act as normal as possible during the normal exam, she was very thorough, examining my feet, fingers, my hearing, my eyes, everything. Then the warm up for the tragedy starts up. I get to stand in front of her, lift my paper gown while she feels up my junk thoroughly. Then she tells me to turn around. She jokes “I have short fingers” I nervously laugh and ask her what I am supposed to do? She tells me to bend over and lean on the exam table. Before my second elbow hits the table she is back there.
I instantly jump from the intrusion. She apologizes. The pressure and sensation as not enjoyable in the least, I was up on my toes and my face was a contorted grimace as I kept my eyes closed and hoped for the probing to end. Luckily it was only a few seconds but it seemed much longer. I finally was able to take a breath and was only left with the feeling of Vaseline back there. Whew. The time right after such an exam is awkward for both the doctor and the patient. However she had a good sense of humor and joked around a bit and I did my best to act like I wasn’t as bothered by the incident as I was.
The exam was over, she said my prostate felt fine, she offered me some ideas for some mild ear wax build up issues I had and she was done. I still had another hurdle to clear, the blood test. I am one of those people that have an issue with having blood drawn. I can’t watch, it sets off an involuntary reaction where I just feel light headed. My veins in my arms, which normally protrude and are quite visible, disappear in anticipation of a blood draw. Venous stage fright if you will.
In comparison to the last time I had blood pulled, this went well. The needle going in was hardly noticeable and I just stared off into space as the two vials were filled. I then went in the bathroom and was able to squeeze off a urine sample and I was done. It was the most thorough physical I ever had, I suppose that is a good thing, especially as you approach 4 decades on the planet. I won’t be rushing back anytime soon for a follow up.
When I got back to the office I called Ali and relayed the details of the exam. She was not very sympathetic in regards to the prostate exam. She said women endure far worse horrors each year on the exam table.
This morning was replay of yesterday, Nicki shit up in the dining room, a pile of diarrhea. I was not happy in the least. Ali woke up by my scolding of Nicki and shot out of bed. Again she cleaned up the solids and I came in with the steamer to treat, brush and vacuum up the residue. It is very frustrating. When I took her out before bedtime she had no interest in doing a number two, yet she has diarrhea during the night. What really concerns me is she doesn’t try to wake us up when she has to go, she knows better than that. This behavior is something that has to be corrected asap. She went through a similar brief episode a few months ago.
Ok after a few day hiatus, let me rail on fat people again. Six months or so ago, a picture of current day Val Kilmer showed up that was shocking. In his mid 30’s, Val Kilmer was a hollywood stud with movies like Top Gun and Batman under his belt. What a difference a decade makes. This latest picture of him is beyond disturbing. It makes the picture linked above look like a portfolio shot. Scroll down to see it. Be warned, it is amazingly bad.
I guess it is more shocking because it is a celebrity, this sort of stuff is common place. People age, they lose the motivation to take care of themselves and this is what happens. Some of the pictures of Britney Spears and Janet Jackson are equally disturbing. But damn, Val looks like John Candy. What the hell man, get it together! The picture is courtesy of perezhilton.com, on there he has a side by side of Val and John Candy, horrific.