Only one, Fascia
Even though I have one more day in my three day weekend I thought I would pop in here to recap the last 48 hours. I got back on the road bike Friday night for the first time in two weeks Friday night. It’s getting less annoying because my body is more accustomed to the activity and the amount of evening daylight is slowly extending, keeping me out of total darkness for the ride. I had a good session with a time and overall average speed that is probably damn close to the best I ever pulled off.
On Saturday after weeding Elsa and I went into the office. I was trying to virtualize our main file and print server, something I failed at once before already. I used some different tactics this time but still initially had a fail. The virtual server wouldn’t boot so I brought the physical server back online. During the afternoon I did some research into my issue. I discovered with the way the boot set up was on this server, which came online many years ago, I needed to boot the virtual server to the Windows Server 2019 media so I could run some tools from the command line to adjust the boot behavior. After doing another back up of the drives to a VHDX I was able this time to successfully bring up the virtual server and shut down the physical server, from my home office. It always feels good to be successful at something you failed at previously.
I made a stop at Lowe’s to grab a set of curtains for the guest room which has had a naked window since Cindy moved out. I thought $30 for a set of curtains was a little high for my needs but I grabbed a set with a bit of a pattern that I though sort of matched the bed cover. I am absolutely awful when it comes to style/design, if I haven’t mentioned that previously.
I get home and open up the package. As I am unfolding the curtains I realize there is only one?? I look more closely to make sure they aren’t just pressed together. Nope, an examination of the package clearly shows only ONE curtain was included, WTF. This made zero sense, why wouldn’t they sell as a set?? Who needs just one curtain? I thought $30 for a set of curtains was a bit much, I now realized I only spent half of what it is going to cost me, sigh… It’s odd that I have only now just learned the realities of curtain shopping after 54 years on the planet.
Saturday night was a geekfest with me playing WoW for a couple hours. I hadn’t done it in awhile so I didn’t feel too guilty about it although there was a part of me that thought it was a pretty lame way for me to spend the night made for fun, socializing, and whatever comes with it, which leads me to the next subject.
As I mentioned a week or two ago, I still have been struggling mentally to get my bearings in regards to what my new reality is or should be. This was the reason that I spoke to the counselor. During that session I got some affirmation which was helpful but still, I have not found that magic switch to get life feeling good again. Because of this I have continued to be introspective and have been comparing this to how I felt when Ali and I split.
During that split I was still neck deep in running club responsibilities. Despite me jumping into online dating very early and very unsuccessfully after that split Ali and I were still hanging out as friends which I think made things easier in some ways but also brought some additional issues as time went on. In a nutshell I was still doing a lot of things involving other human beings and I was doing a lot more thinking about what was next. Now I need to be honest, even then there was a LOT of negative things I experienced during the year of being mostly single. I found the online dating scene to be a lot more frustrating than fun. During that year I think I went on something like 13 first dates with only a handful of second ones.
So fast forward a bunch of years and I again find myself single but under very different circumstances. I spent a lot of my time streamlining my life with the biggest cast off being my days as a race timer which consumed tons of time, created a lot of stress, and demands of me in multiple regards. As time passed I found myself very busy but it was also mostly on things that involved no one in my former social circles and much more just things related to the relationship. Once my mom passed away I really latched onto Cindy’s family and viewed them as an extension of my own. The birth of DJ set that bond and closeness to an entirely new level.
As I was riding my V11 around today I pictured myself spending all of this time, money, emotion and effort building what I thought was a sturdy structure that would be able to withstand whatever tests were thrown it’s way. Instead I feel like am walking down a street on a movie set where everything looks great but as soon as you peek around the corner you realize it’s all just a fascia, a seemingly normal front with very little behind it. That is how I feel right now. I know only I have the ability to change that mindset. For the first time since the split I set up in a couple online dating apps, despite knowing that ultimately they are unlikely to produce the results I am looking for. I need to start somewhere. The single curtain…..