A new chapter

So as you can imagine the days since my mom’s passing have been very, very busy and filled with emotion.  On Thursday morning we went to make the arrangements for mom’s cremation.  The guy we dealt with was very understanding and thorough.  Their services include notifying Social Security, providing multiple death certificates and notifying the credit bureaus so some dirt bag cant try to get credit under my mom’s identity.  We were also warned to keep any obituary we write deliberately vague as these same criminals will scour obits looking for info to help them with their disgusting craft.

Later, Todd, Torrin and I were over at my mom’s place trying to get a handle on cleaning it out.  Basically I wanted Todd and Torrin to decide if they wanted anything that was in there and then we would donate or throw out the vast majority of what was left.  As you can imagine, cleaning out each room contained various emotional landmines as we came across that things that had meaning or memories.

As the day went on the amount of things that Torrin and Todd wanted to keep was growing.  Todd suggested that maybe since he bought a one way plane ticket to get to Florida, instead of flying back he could rent a truck, allowing him to drive stuff north instead of paying to have it shipped.  It sounded like a good plan to me because I was envisioning having to rent a storage space to accommodate the furniture and other items until something could be figured out.  On Thursday evening he was able to secure a truck rental for a reasonable amount of money.

On Thursday I also met my mom’s landlord for the first time.  When mom rented the apartment, it was pretty much furnished but over the last 4 years mom swapped some stuff out so I needed the landlord to let us know what stuff was hers versus my mom’s.  She was very understanding and supportive of our loss.

Mom’s good friend Sara Lee was also over to help guide us.  Some of the furniture that was in there she had given to mom over the years so I asked her if she would like any of it back.  I didn’t think she would since surely she replaced the furniture with newer stuff. Well she said she could actually use some of it since she is an interior decorator, she said the stuff could be used to stage some homes she is working on.  She said she could have someone come and pick the stuff up.  Great, less for us to do. We made good progress on Thursday.  I had the van stuffed with donations.  Most of it went to The Shelter for Abused Women and I dropped huge three bags of towels to the Humane Society, something they always need.

On Friday morning we finally decided what to do as a remembrance for my mom.  We were worried that if we had it down in Naples that some of mom’s friends wouldn’t come.  After doing some checking it didn’t seem to be a problem so we decided to hold it at beautiful Lowdermilk Park on Saturday evening.

On Friday we were very busy trying to wrap up the lionshare of the remaining work, we loaded up the 16 foot truck with stuff for both Todd and Torrin.  By the time we were done all that was really left was a few scattered things along with the need to clean the place which Cindy and I planned to do later.

During the day I was mostly numb as has been the case since last Sunday when mom had her heart attack.  There were however random moments when intense emotion would bubble up.  During one of my trips walking back from the nearby dumpster I had one of these moments as thunder rumbled overhead. I felt intense sadness and anger.  As I was approaching the moving truck I had a very strong desire to just start punching it repeatedly until either my fist or the truck broke first.  Luckily I did not embrace my inner raging being.

Todd had originally talked of pulling out for PA late Friday night as he needed to get home.  He was talking of doing the drive more or less straight.  Luckily he changed his mind.  Instead the four of us stayed up late Friday night drinking beer and reminiscing about funny times gone by.  If my mom was witnessing it I am sure she was smiling broadly.

Todd did get up early on Saturday and pulled out before any of us woke up.  He left somewhere close to 6AM and pulled into his place in PA somewhere between 2 and 3AM Sunday morning.  It must have been a pretty miserable drive.  Along  with the stuff at mom’s place we also loaded up mom’s old antique corner cupboard that has been in the house since she moved down.  Mom never wanted to move it the places she rented so it has just sat in the office for the last 10 years.  Well I had no attachment to it and Todd always wanted it since his house is heavily decorated with older furniture so I told him to take it.  The spot the cupboard took up was now filled with the custom decorative barrel my uncle made for my parents back in the 70’s.  It was a trade up in my view.

On Saturday we had a lot of prep to do for the remembrance.  Cindy, who had felt bad she couldn’t help more since she started her new job last week, had really grabbed the reins for the event, wanting to make sure it was beautiful and not to require us to do much planning.  She said she would take care of it.  She really delivered on the promise.

She left before Torrin and I did for the park.  I brought three different shirts.  One to help set up before, a collared shirt for the remembrance and another t-shirt to put on afterward.  When Torrin and I got there Cindy was already hard at work, we jumped in to help.  My big contribution was a slideshow presentation that I wanted to set up on the table where the guest book was.  It was a laptop, a monitor and a wi-fi hotspot.  As the close to 90 pictures I collected covering various points of mom’s life displayed I had a Pandora station playing in the background.

Of course to pull this off I needed power.  I brought my entire collection of extension cords to help facilitate that.  Getting power to the tents was a 20-25 minute ordeal.  I did not want to run the cord across the walking paths from the outlet which was a couple hundred feet away because of the potential trip hazard.  Instead I used a stick to dig out a small trench under the boardwalk.  I then tied the extension cord to the stick and jammed it as far as I could under the boardwalk.  I went to the other side and jammed my arm in as far as I could reach until I felt the cord and could yank it through.  I emerged a sandy, sweaty mess. Torrin and Cindy were doing most of the decorating, complete with around 20 white balloons.  They did a really nice job of making everything look great.  We had plenty of water, wine and a nice little spread of food.  My buddy Sean also showed up early to help us set up which was very nice of him.

As people started showing up I figured I better put on my collared shirt.  There was a good mix of people from the circles of both my mom and myself, in total close to 40 people were in attendance.  I was surprised to see Randall and Lily show up since they both live on the east coast, I certainly did not expect them to log a 200 mile round trip.  It was very, very kind of both of them.

I tried to make my way around to everyone that was there to thank them for coming.  I got on the PA system I brought along and encouraged people to indulge in the food and drink we had available.  Some did but it seemed like most people just hung out.

We waited until closer to 6:30 to get started, I let Torrin go first.  She had made some notes to use as speaking points.  She did a good job, despite her voice cracking a few times.  I stood by her side as she tried to talk about all of the positives that mom brought into the lives of both her family and friends.

I went next.  There was no way I was going to wing it.  I put too much importance into making sure I used words that were thought out, heartfelt but not overly verbose.  I spent close to two hours in the morning trying to craft a single page.  Here is what I said.

As I stare here at a blank page, trying to figure out how you are supposed to represent the life of your mother in a few paragraphs, I am struggling. How do you describe an entire lifetime of love and support that a mother provides for her children?

As her son I knew Mom as a loving parent who time and again would do the best that she could to ensure I was provided for. She truly was my rock solid foundation. No matter what situation or trouble I found myself in I could always count on my mom to support me when I needed it and to tell me when I was acting dumb when I deserved it.

My mom’s hard work ethic, sense of responsibility, kindness, and humor are all qualities that she passed on to her children which I am eternally grateful for.

I have many fond memories of mom growing up like our annual vacations to Rehoboth Beach, countless afternoons spent at the Green Valley pool, and our Christmas Eve family dinners where mom did all of the work with little acclaim, while my grandfather complained that he didn’t like eating by candlelight because he couldn’t see his food.

When my parents divorced, mom was thrust from the role of a housewife into that of a family provider overnight. She was able to build a long and successful career as a salesperson using nothing more than her honesty, friendliness and smile.

I was proud of my mom when she took the brave step over 10 years ago of leaving Pennsylvania to join me here in Florida. She loved Florida winters and having a surplus of sunshine year round. She also was able to make a new circle of good friends here in Florida, many of which are here today. I know my mom cherished these relationships.

Mom was lucky enough to see her children have children of their own. I know my sister has relied on my mom time and again for advice as she raises her own two beautiful children. My dogs, Nicki & Sadie loved their grandma. As soon as Nicki would spot my mom she would grab a toy as a gift and rush towards her with her tail wagging uncontrollably.  

I was most recently proud of my mom after she decided to finally give up cigarettes cold turkey in January, something I had always wanted her to do since I was a young boy. I used to hide or even throw her cigarettes out, until I got punished for doing it of course. For her to finally quit smoking on her own was very special to me.

Anybody that knew my mom knows that despite her far too soon sudden passing, it is exactly the way she would have wanted it to be with no pain and no suffering.

One time when I was discussing aspects of life with my mom she told me that she judged how successful her life was by the type of people her children grew up to be. She told me she was content that she did a good job.

Based on the outpouring of love, support and kindness I have witnessed the last several days for my mom I think she can rest peacefully, knowing she touched the lives of so many people in a positive way.

I was relieved that I was able to deliver these words cleanly and in a way that displayed the feeling behind them.  I had to pause once early on but for the most part I held it together.  Slamming a couple glasses of wine beforehand probably helped.

Cindy then read a poem/prayer she had found.  It was very hard for her to get through it as she tried to talk through the tears and emotion.  It was very sweet.

Ali was the only other person to speak.  She delivered a very touching tribute to my mom, talking about the years of great memories, how she was like a second mother to her and how whenever she sees a rainbow for the rest of her life she will think of my mom, since mom loved rainbows and always pointed them out.  I really appreciated her words as well as the support she has offered since the tragedy.

Most people headed out shortly after we were done speaking.  A few stuck around to talk and help.  Torrin and I snuck away for a walk down the beach.  We had both drank a decent amount of wine so the words were flowing freely.  As we slowly walked along the water we talked a lot about mom and all that had gone down in the week prior.  It’s been pretty staggering.  When we returned people were working hard on starting to take stuff down.  Most of the 20 balloons were already cut loose to rise into the evening sky.  Torrin and I released the last two white balloons together, a symbolic way to let mom go to whatever awaits everyone once their life on Earth is over.  It was a very fitting culmination of a very difficult week.

I had not eaten any food at all during the entire event, I relied exclusively on white wine to keep me going.  Randall, Torrin, Cindy, Cindy’s mom, and I decided to stop and grab some food afterward.  We all enjoyed some Chicago style pizza as we talked freely.  I told Randall he was welcome to crash on the inflatable mattress at the house instead of driving back to Coral Springs at night.  He assured us he was ok and he actually had plans for a long bike ride the next morning so he needed to get back anyway.  I again thanked him for coming, it really was a nice gesture that I won’t forget.

On Sunday morning I started on the daunting task of going through, putting away and organizing the stuff that I pulled from mom’s place.  The house looked to be in pretty massive disarray with stuff scattered about.  I just got busy attending to things one at a time, all that you can really do.

Shortly after lunch we dropped Torrin off at the airport for her trip home.  I am so grateful that she came down and helped me split up some of the responsibilities as well as help shoulder some of the emotional burden we both are feeling.  She now has to coordinate with my brother to try to do some sort of similar remembrance ceremony up in the Reading area in the near future for mom’s circle of friends that still live in the PA area.

Cindy and I headed back to mom’s apartment to do a final cleaning.  Cindy is a cleaning tornado and worked primarily on stuff like dusting and cleaning the bathrooms and counters.  I concentrated mostly on the floors, sweeping all the carpets and then using my mom’s Shark steamer to clean the tile in the bathroom and kitchen.  It was a pretty somber experience removing all traces of my mom’s life in the apartment..  When we finished up the place looked sterilized.

I drove my mom’s Rav 4 back to the house while Cindy drove her Prius.   Since the AC in the Rav 4 is not working it was an all four windows down driving experience.  By the time we got home my back was quite wet with sweat.

The rest of Sunday I was consumed with more sorting and organizing while Cindy busted her ass taking care of other stuff that needed to be done.  I at least got the list of papers related to my mom’s estate organized and formulated a game plan to get stuff rolling.

I am now back at work, trying to resume my life in whatever way is considered normal from here on out.  The tragic, sudden passing of my mom as well as the enormous outpouring of love and support that I have received in the aftermath has been life changing.  There are so many things up in the air right now but the one thing I am absolutely  sure about is my mom would be so very happy that her children came together to support each other and to memorialize her in an appropriately beautiful way.