This is going to be tough
This will be a very hard entry to get through.
I was looking forward to my exciting 4 day weekend of 73 inch goodness. The party started right after work on Friday.
I met Ali over at Best Buy. Up to this point the purchase experience at Best Buy was pretty much without a hitch which surprised me. I was holding my breath that the pick up would go as smoothly. I was quite surprised when it did. Other than having to wait a bit long for them to bring the TV out, there were no snags. The box was MASSIVE. There were multiple comments by the staff and some other customers about the size of this thing. Luckily with DLP, even though the set is big, it doesn’t weigh a ton, around 100 pounds. The box barely fit with in the bed of the truck. I had to quickly take a snap shot of it with my Treo.
Initially I thought the box was big enough and tight enough in the bed of the truck that it would be fine on the way home. However after seeing it rock precariously as I came out of the parking lot I quickly pulled over into the movie theater parking lot to secure it. As I stopped Ali was just trying to call me to tell me to pull over. So I took out my arsenal of bungee cords and strapped them around, across and over the box in every way you can imagine. I also put my lunch box into duty as a wedge to keep the box from sliding back and forth. Our efforts worked, I pulled into the driveway with the tv intact.
Ali and I were able to carry the big box in the front door without much issue. I almost immediately ripped into the box to unveil the tv. I was relieved when after removing copious amounts of packing that the tv looked to be physically unblemished. We watched Tivo on the old tv one last time while eating pizza before I ripped it out and slid the 73 incher in it’s place. We had no stand yet so I just hooked everything up with the Mitsu sitting on the floor. The moment of truth came when I was ready to flip the switch. I hit the power button and after a brief warm up the tv jumps to life.
It works! I breathed a little sigh of relief. I went about the various set up menus just checking stuff out. It was all pretty intuitive. I flipped over to the old Tivo and played a show. The picture didn’t look as bad as I thought it might because of the stretching. The TV has a built in HD tuner which meant that it should be at able to at least get a few HD channels on it’s own without the HD Tivo. I flipped around but couldn’t find them. Then all of a sudden I flipped to channel 21 and it somehow transported me to channel 201 which was HD. Wow it looked awesome! It was amazing the difference in quality, especially in such a large screen format. I called Ali in to see. Even Ali, who normally is oblivious to things such as video quality could see the dramatic difference.
Part of the agreement with me getting the tv was Ali had to ok the stand/console we would put it on. We looked at the ones Best Buy had in the store and were not that impressed. I didn’t want to waste any time and started to look at different stands online Friday night. I found a few and showed them to Ali. She was tired and not very motivated to pick one out. There were a few we liked. On a whim I decided to pull up the Haverty’s web site, the place my mom used to work. The actually had one that caught both of our eyes. It had the extra storage that we wanted and sort of matched the other furniture in the room. However Ali wasn’t interested in making a decision so quickly, she wanted to make sure she got something she liked. We went to bed Friday with out making a firm decision.
On Saturday morning I didn’t waste much time until I started on the next phase of TV prep. Another promise I made to Ali was that we could move the cabinet we had to the left of the old tv to the spot where the white shelf was, across from the kitchen. This has been another one of those eyesores that no one would notice but Ali but I was happy to comply since she let me buy the ultimate tv. Well once I started the process I wasn’t quite so happy with my agreement. Between the shelf and the cabinet there was a TON of junk in them. I wasn’t seeing the logic of replacing two storage units with one and then having a pile of stuff with no home. I told Ali that I was performing the swap because I agreed to do it but I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. She was a bit mad that I would offer up any resistance to her suggestion because of the huge tv sitting in the room. She offered up that when we get the tv console that some of the stuff would be able to be stored there. I bit my lip and continued with the work without offering up any more complaints. I figured it was my responsibility to get the furniture moved. It would be her responsibility to decide where the left over junk would go.
During the morning I pressed Ali more about making a decision about the tv stand. I was leaning towards the Haverty’s stand. It seemed to offer up pretty much exactly what we needed. Ali was still a bit hesitant to commit. She felt that if she made a quick decision it could equate to the wrong decision. I tried to coax her along saying that if we like the stand, there is nothing wrong with making the decision quick. She agreed to go with me to Haverty’s to take a quick look at it before she went to a luncheon.
I made a call to my mom telling her that we were going to her old place of business to look at a tv stand. I wanted to know if there was someone we should ask for. She gave me the name of the assistant manager, David. She said he was one of the nicest guys she ever met in her sales career. So we headed to the store and asked for him. I told David that I knew exactly what we were looking for. I showed him the picture off the web site. He took us over and showed us the models on the floor. They had a 70 something inch white stand and a 60 inch black unit. My entertainment nook would only accommodate the 60 inch model. I was already sold on it before we walked in the store but I asked Ali for her final blessing. She said she liked it. I asked how quickly they could get it. David said that Haverty’s adopted a new $100 delivery charge on ALL items but if I wanted I could come to the store and pick it up. That’s fine with me, it was stupid to pay 100 bucks to deliver a $600 piece of furniture. Originally he said it would come in Wednesday. I told him that was too bad because I was off Monday and Tuesday. He said it could get there Tuesday but it was his day off so he wouldn’t be there. No big deal, I’ll get it Tuesday. I was excited to have another piece of the puzzle set to go.
During the afternoon I continued my prep. I began the laborious process of ripping out the rats nest of cables that have built up behind the old tv. My goal was to have the wiring much more organized this time around. After spending a good hour or two dewiring I turned my attention to the shelf. I was a bit sad about ripping down the shelf. It was one of the first home improvements we did after moving into the house and we did a pretty nice job of making it blend in. Well the height of the new tv and stand required it’s removal. Ripping it down didn’t take very long. There are a bunch of ugly holes in the wall where it was secured but I didn’t bother to fill them since the new set up will totally eclipse them from view.
I was eagerly awaiting Ali’s return so we could tackle getting the old tv into the truck. I had called mom and told her that we may deliver it Saturday night instead of before Mother’s Day lunch on Sunday so we wouldn’t be a sweaty mess. All day I had been running plans through my head on how I wanted to attempt to get the 200 plus pound tv into the bed of the Tacoma. The final plan involved attaching the two tractor ramps I had to the bed of the truck and then laying one of our home made hurricane shutters (plywood) over the ramps, giving me a smooth surface to roll the tv over. Once Ali got home it didn’t take long until I put my plan into action.
The casters
on the TV rolled easily once we got it out onto the sidewalk. Once we got out to the truck I lifted the front of the tv up onto the plywood and then had Ali get up in the bed to help guide it. Her primary responsibility was to make sure the tv stayed straight as I provided the horsepower to roll it into the truck. I was pleasantly surprised. My plan worked perfectly. Pushing the tv up into the truck wasn’t bad at all. After getting it up there we again wedged and bungeed it in place using various items to assist like empty chlorine jugs, spare comforters and rubber maid containers. I called up mom and told her we were a go for launch, the tv was loaded.
Shortly after we left for mom’s I stopped after Ali said the plywood was moving around. The comforter we had over the tv was already blowing off. So instead of draping it over the tv I just wedged it between the screen and the plywood. I attached some additional bungees to further secure things. The tv was rock solid on the trip to mom’s. We parked in guest parking and had it unloaded and into her condo in the span of 10 minutes. I looked upon my trustworthy Sony with pride as it sat in it’s new spot in mom’s place. Mom repeatedly commented on the size of it and how she wasn’t sure if she would adjust to it or like it taking up that much space. I told her I thought she would adjust quickly to it and like it. She was unsure. She thanked us as we said goodbye. We were going to see her again in less than 24 hours for our Mother’s Day lunch at Carraba’s.
So I wake up Sunday morning, walk into the utility room and witness an excrement nightmare. The centerpiece was a HUGE pile of undigested, unchewed cat food close to the food dish. It looked like Buttons gorged herself and immediately threw it up. There was all sorts of collateral throw up. Not only did she throw up food, she threw up just clear mucus/water. The trail didn’t end there. There was additional vomit in both the office and dining room. It was probably the most vomit I ever had to clean up at one time. I spent at least the first 30-40 minutes of my Sunday morning cleaning it up. I was angry of course but I didn’t lash out at the cat, perhaps because she was wise enough to not be within in my view the entire time. After I was done cleaning up and finally got around to putting food down, Buttons made an appearance. I said menacingly “Get out of here…” and pointed to the bedroom. She immediately turned around and went back into hiding. I didn’t feel like having her pig out and vomit all over again.
Well after a few hours she made her way back out into view but I could tell all was not well. She was very lethargic. She showed no interest in eating and instead just laid by Nicki’s food stand with her head by her water bowl. She seemed to have very little energy. At one point I picked her up from behind the couch and carried her out to her food in the utility room. As I picked her up it immediately started her into a pre-throw up convulsion. I quickly put her down just before she threw up a big puddle of water/mucus and nothing else. I had seen so many throw up episodes with Buttons I knew them like the back of my hand. I had never seen her throwing up just water. It was then that the initial thought that there is something more serious going on than her normal puking entered my mind. She was meowing in a very weak, different manner than we ever heard before. It sounded painful.
We headed out to lunch with my mom at Carraba’s. I told mom of the disaster I had to clean up that morning and how we thought it may be finally time to have her put to sleep. Mom agreed with our assessment. She had been telling me for awhile that I should just do it. After taking mom back to her place and performing a few things she needed we headed back home.
After getting back to the house, the rest of the day we pretty much left Buttons alone. Ali put a plate of tuna in front of her and she showed no interest in it which is unheard of. Buttons turned into more or less a zombie at one point just laying on her side at the same spot on the kitchen floor for literally hours. Both Nicki and we walked over the cat multiple times and she didn’t budge an inch. As I went to sleep Sunday night I had it set in my mind that if Monday morning the cat didn’t show improvement I was going to call the vet and make arrangements to have her put down and I was dreading it.
When I got up the next morning Buttons was still perched in the kitchen, just laying down next to the water bowl. There was no fresh throw up but that was probably because her system was empty. She was still very lethargic. The vet didn’t open until 9. Before I called I talked it over with Ali. Just thinking about putting the cat to sleep upset me. As I talked about it my voice broke. As I looked outside to try to maintain composure I saw very dark and ominous clouds from the front that was approaching. It seemed appropriate in a dark, morbid way.
Buttons had relocated herself to one of her other favorite spots, in our bathroom by the dog water bowl. Again she was just sitting/laying there blankly. At one point I walked over to her and petted her a bit and asked her “Is it time…?” To me, she looked like she was ready to die. Maybe it was just me wanting for the 7 years of diabetic related issues to end. However Ali agreed with my assessment. About 9:20 I made the call to the vet.
I told the girl that we thought we were ready to have Buttons put down. I briefly explained the latest issues and threw in how she had practically no teeth and had other continuing health issues. I guess I was trying to convince the girl on the phone that it was legitimate to put the cat to sleep. The girl checked and said we could come in at 4:30. Although I would have preferred something much earlier, I said nothing and agreed to the time and hung up.
I knew having to go through the entire day with this looming over my head would be horrible. I knew they would ask me if I wanted to be in the room when they put her to sleep and I knew how I would react to it. I considered if I wanted to be in the room when it was done or if I would even be better off just dropping the cat off at the vet early and letting them put her down as time allowed. I knew that would be wrong. I knew that even though the last half of her life had been mostly a monumental pain in the ass for me, I owed her to be there. It was my decision to put her down, it should be my responsibility to go through the emotional pain that was sure to come from the experience.
During the day Monday, both Ali and I did our best to stay busy and not think about what was supposed to happen at 4:30. For the most part I was successful in keeping my mind off of it but when I failed to do so, the emotions came rushing in instantly. I have had pets of mine put to sleep or die but I was never directly involved in doing so. I am the guy that would rather save a wolf spider than kill it. The idea of telling someone to kill my pet of a decade and a half was just horrible to me.
Ali tried to comfort Buttons a bit during the day by carrying her out to the office and letting her sit on her lap. However Buttons wasn’t really interested and in short order had retreated back to our bathroom. Throughout the day I was questioning myself, am I doing the right thing, how am I going to be able to witness the procedure, am I being selfish?
Monday afternoon we had a guy scheduled to do a wind inspection on our house. He was supposed to be there at 3. He showed up at 3:45. I had to quickly allow him access to the attic and talked to him briefly. We didn’t get out of the house until a bit after 4, making us 15 minutes late for our appointment. During the drive to the vet Ali and I totally acted like we weren’t doing what we were doing. We talked about all sorts of subjects, none of which had anything to do with Buttons. I remember thinking that maybe I would be ok, I wouldn’t break down and be an emotional wreck. I was feeling more logical about everything. The cat has been sick for a long time and we are letting her finally have some peace. Yea, that lasted just until we set foot inside the exam room at the vet.
The girl started asking us about cremation options. She opened up a catalog. I immediately started choking up. The idea that the live animal that was laying on the table in front of me was going to be nothing but a pile of ashes set me into a tailspin. The girl asked me to verify our address. I looked at it for a long time, trying to compose myself. I was barely able to get out “yes, that’s correct.” I had no interest in picking out the urn for the ashes, I told Ali she could do it. Simply looking at the the catalog would throw more gas on to the fire of intense sadness building inside me.
The vet and an assistant come in. The assistant starts petting Buttons and the cat responds to the affection, acting happy to receive it. Ali and I describe what happened, the massive throwing up, not eating for two days and all the rest. The vet does a little exam, feeling Buttons stomach. She said it felt a bit strange and mentioned that Buttons could possibly have an edema which is a possible symptom of organ failure. Of course you can’t know for sure without additional testing. During the exchange between the vet both Ali and I were off and on crying. I was embarrassed to be crying but it was uncontrollable. There was a lot of awkward silence during the conversation. It was like the vet was giving us time to make sure this was what we wanted. I understand why she would do that but it made things even worse. Multiple times Ali looked at me and said through tears “I don’t know what to do…” The entire time the discourse was going on Buttons was getting petted and looked happy which made it even harder.
I don’t know that I ever said bluntly “ok , do it”, instead the vet asked us if we wanted to hold her while it was done. That threw the emotions into another gear. The idea of holding the cat while it died sounded horrific to me. The vet could see how badly I was taking this and offered up that I could be out of the room when they did it. I knew that would be cowardly. I eventually said it could be done on the table and we would pet Buttons as it happened.
The vet said they would lay her down on her side and then administer the solution through her back paw. They laid Buttons down without much fuss. Ali and I were both a total mess at this point. I was rubbing Buttons head and neck and Ali was as well. It seemed like it took forever until the shot was actually administered. I kept thinking to myself that I could still say no, could still save the cat with a simple wave of my hand. I didn’t. I could hardly look as the shot was administered, I just kept rubbing Buttons. She hardly moved when the shot was given. She just laid there calmly. After the shot was given the vet took out her stethoscope and checked to see when her heart stopped which happened very quickly. Buttons was gone. The vet stepped out and gave us some privacy.
The flood gates opened. We both were crying uncontrollably. I felt horrible, like a murderer. The reality of the moment destroyed me. Yea it was the right thing to do in the big picture but at that moment it was of no solace to me. We both continued to pet Buttons corpse. She simply looked like she was sleeping, like I had seen her do for a good portion of her 15 years on the planet. I was overflowing with grief. I said to Ali that there is no way I could imagine if we had to do this with Nicki. I rubbed Buttons one last time and choked out “I’m sorry…”
I was sorry on many levels. I was sorry that she had been sick for so long. I was sorry that I reacted over the years so badly to the end results of her illness. It wasn’t like she wanted to vomit on a regular schedule. I was sorry that we largely ignored her once we got Nicki. Repeatedly Buttons would come to us looking for attention/affection. Ali would allow her to lay on her, I normally would shoo her away. And finally I was sorry that I was her executioner. We had hoped for a long time she would just pass away on her own so we wouldn’t have to face this moment.
Eventually we gathered ourselves enough to leave. The discussion about the delivery of the ashes seemed very inappropriate, almost like I was picking up an item at a store. I carried the now empty cat carrier back to the car. Getting out into the fresh air was welcomed. The air inside the vet office felt stifling.
Ali and I talked about how brutal the experience was. Every bit as brutal as I feared it would be and then some. Ali said she was surprised with how fast the process went and how Buttons passed without so much as a flinch. One second she was there, the next she was gone. I was totally freaked out about it and asked Ali to talk about happy things. On the way home we stopped at Target to get a cable for the new tv set up. I wanted to do anything to get my mind off the horror we just witnessed.
After we got home I again took to staying busy to prevent my mind from reliving what I didn’t want to relive. It was impossible to not think about it for long. Everywhere I went in the house I could relate it to Buttons. There is a spot Buttons liked to lay, there was the water dish she liked to drink out of and yes, even there was the stain left over from one of her vomitting episodes. It all made me sad and if allowed myself to think about it for more than a few seconds I could feel my eyes getting moist.
Later that evening I talked to my mom on the phone. I told her that we put Buttons down. I’m not sure if she sensed my voice crack a bit or it was because of mom’s own affinity for Buttons, but she started crying. Buttons always liked to hang with my mom. I told mom I was there when they did it. Mom knew how that would be for me. It was very sad but mom agreed it was for the best.
I dreaded trying to fall asleep Sunday night. I laid in bed and watched Cloverfield on the Tivo to keep my mind off of it. Cloverfield is a different kind of movie. It is shot like Blair Witch Project (first person, continuous shot) but it is a godzilla type of theme. I found it entertaining and different. Don’t look for any happy endings here though. I’d give it a B+.
My hope was that I would be so exhausted after staying up watching the movie that I would immediately fall asleep. Of course that wasn’t the case. As soon as closed my eyes I immediately was transported to the vets office bearing witness to Buttons laying on the table again and again. I eventually fell asleep after more tears dropped on the pillow. When I woke up Tuesday morning and looked around the room at various spots in the room Buttons would like to make herself comfy in it again made me extremely sad. I woke up just as I fell asleep.
Luckily on Tuesday I had a shit load going on. Comcast was scheduled to come out, twice. I had the HDTV install scheduled. On Sunday we had internet problems as well. I called up to Comcast and got some guy on the phone. I told him our issues, the connection was routinely dropping in and out. I told him I had already reset the modem. He asked if I had a router and I told him I did and that I had already reset that as well. The guy then tells me “Your router may be WEARING OUT” Well I was already in a horrible mood because of the Buttons situation. I immediately flipped on the guy. I said “DUDE, I am in the IT business, routers don’t WEAR OUT” He says “Well I am in IT and I have seen them wear out” I had no patience dealing with this idiot. I said “let me talk to your supervisor…”
So a woman gets on and I tell her that her tech just told me that my router could be WEARING OUT. I said that was a stupid thing to say so I wanted to speak to someone that knew something. The woman apologizes but then offers up that she has seen routers WEAR OUT. I get in her face as well. I tell her that I have been in IT for 15 years. Routers are not like tires on a car, they don’t WEAR OUT. I told her that if a router takes a power surge or something along those lines it could be damaged and need replacement but that is different than WEARING OUT. She tries to continue on with her bullshit explanation and I stop her mid-sentence. “Listen, all I want you to do is look at the signal level on my cable modem, ok?” She shuts up and agrees to look at it. Low and behold, the signal is low, I guess my router is not wearing out. So now I had not only an installer scheduled to come between 8-10am Tuesday, there was a repair tech scheduled between 1-5pm. I asked the woman if the installer could look at the cable modem problem as well. She said no “He is just an installer..” Ok, whatever.
So Tuesday morning comes and the installer shows up around 9. He is a nice guy and explains he has some work to do outside first. Well he is outside a looong time. While I am out with Nicki I see him out at the main pole on his ladder screwing with the connection. Then later I see him stringing new wire across the road to the pole near our house. We have had that piece replaced two or three times now. It is a long run, almost 200 feet I would imagine. Well a little after 10 the guy knocks on my door and says he has a problem. He told me the cable was bad and he was trying to string a new segment. The problem was because of the length of the run he couldn’t pull it and keep it taut by himself, he needs another tech. I immediately offered up my help but he said I couldn’t because of liability. I told him how there was another tech scheduled to come in the afternoon for the internet problem. The installer didn’t know this. He said he would make arrangements to meet back up here with the other tech after lunch. Replacing the cable would surely be the fix for the internet problem as well.
After the tech left I quickly ran down to Haverty’s and picked up the tv console. Again the box was big and HEAVY. Thankfully it was securely boxed up so I could use my cart at home to wheel it into the house. While I was waiting for the Comcast guys to show back up I started unpacking the console. It appeared to be undamaged, something we always worry about with furniture. I drug the Mitubishi TV off the old toy chest and onto the ottoman while I worked on setting up it’s new home.
After unboxing the console and attaching the knobs it was time to take out the power tools. The cabinet only had a couple narrow slots cut out in the back to route cables through. Some of my AV equipment throws a decent amount of heat so I wanted to cut out some additional holes to assist with heat dissapation. I put the door knob drilling bit on my cordless drill and popped an additional hole in each of the 4 AV compartments. On either side of the unit was additional storage. These areas had slide out plastic dvd holders. They were a nifty little perk but an impractical use of the space so I removed them as well.
Then I started the long and laborious process of loading up all of the various AV equipment into the console and routing the associated wires and cables appropriately. In total I have 6 things attached to the tv, the tivo, satellite receiver, dvd/vcr combo, Xbox, Wii and my Bose surround rig. The TV has a lot of inputs but many of them are the digital sort. I had to to try various combos to get everything connected and after discovering that the component output on my dvd player was defective I was short on inputs. I won’t be able to have my final configuration in place until I receive a component video cable for the Xbox and Wii.
While I was putting stuff back together the Comcast guy returned with his co-worker to string the cable. I wanted to hurry up so I had the TV back up and running by the time he was ready to come inside. I got things back up shortly before I heard the knock on the door. Both of the techs came in. They first checked the internet which was working fine. Then they came to the tv. The first thing that was noticed was how I had the cable line routed into the surge protector. With as many lightning hits as we get I always have thought this a smart move. Unfortunately, these type of devices gobble up signal which will cause poor performance with HDTV. So I told the installer it was ok to wire it directly to the tv. He said they installed a new grounding block outside which should protect the set from surges coming in through the coax.
The next step was to set up the CableCard for the Tivo. The guy warned me that it will take at least a half hour until the card configures itself. Evidently once it is on the wire it performs some sort of update of it’s code over the line. Well after an hour and a half it was just over halfway done. Now keep in mind there was nothing for the installer to do during this time period. So he just sat in my living room and shot the shit with me. I learned how he used to work at an auto paint store, and also drove 18 wheelers for Coke and a concrete company before getting the job at Comcast. He was a native Floridian, born and raised here. Jose told me about how he was going to be getting his grandfather’s truck and how he planned to trick it out with a custom paint job and more. He told me of his custody battle with his crazy ex-girlfriend. I found out all sorts of stuff about the guy. He seemed real nice. It didn’t change the fact that I was growing tired of waiting.
The guy was supposed to be off the clock at 4. It was 3:15 and the card still had a way to go. Plus he said he had two more calls he was supposed to get done. I suggested he go do the other calls and come back. He said that once the card upgrade completes there will be two numbers displayed that he needs to activate it. He told me to call him once I had those numbers and he would call it in to activate. No problem.
So he leaves and I get back to work. the house is still a mess with cables and junk strewn everywhere. I felt like I had a million loose ends to clean up. I was annoyed when I discovered the component output on the dvd didn’t work. When I first bought the dvd player a couple years ago I tried hooking it up to the Sony component input and it didn’t work. At the time I figured something was wrong with the Sony, turns out it was the dvd player. It’s not a huge deal except that it meant I had to use the regular RCA jacks to connect the DVD, something that is in limited supply on the back of the tv. I got those numbers Jose needed and the HD Tivo came to life. I farted around right up until Ali got home from work.
Ali was quite pleased with the stand and how everything looked. The plan was nearly complete. The rest of the night I mostly spent continuing clean up duty. I dare not stop for long else I risked thinking about the cat. We watched DWTS last night in full HD. Yea it’s as fruity of a show as you can imagine but damn it looked good in HD. The difference was striking. The HD Tivo worked great. There are a few possible hiccups left to be addressed. I noticed a few HD channels exhibiting jerkiness/pixelation. When I looked at the signal level I saw it was in the 40’s which is low. I removed a splitter I had inline and the signal jumped up into the mid 60’s. I will have to do some more thorough testing to see if the few problem channels remain. Even with quirks, I am beyond pleased with our new home entertainment arrangement. It’s simply awesome. All the pictures I took of the tv migration can be seen here.
Luckily last night I was so exhausted that I was able to almost instantly pass out instead of lying in bed thinking about Buttons. However when I got up this morning to go through my routine her absence was obvious. The litterbox was hardly touched, there was no incessant meowing while I prepared the food and I didn’t have to track her down to give her an insulin shot. The ironic thing was instead of feeling good about not having to deal with those things I felt bad about the events that lead up to their disappearance. This feeling is going to linger with me for quite awhile. Those horrible moments Monday afternoon will be with me until I am put to sleep…