Eat at Joe’s, Hollow

I left work a little early so I would have time to grab some food at Trader Joe’s, my favorite place to get frozen, single serving, ready to heat meals. I had not stepped foot in there in years but I was glad to see they still had the most of the mainstays I relied on 9 years ago.

Last night after finishing dinner I had to decide how I wanted to spend the rest of evening.  I was feeling unsettled. I had several options run through my head.  Maybe I could gain another level or two on my WoW characters.  Maybe I could hop in VR to play some games or wander around the social apps. Maybe I should do a live stream.  Maybe I could hop on one of my EUCs  and ride over to the school area to clear my head.  Maybe I could have done a lot of things.

What I wound up doing was watching recorded TV content while thumbing through my phone, feeling sad.  As I tried to quantify exactly how I was feeling, the word that struck me was “hollow”.  Externally I appear more or less intact, the same as has been the norm with maybe a little more of a slower gait.  I have had people not familiar with my situation ask me if everything is ok and of course I snap back with “Yep, all good” because that is what I do, don’t burden others with my problems.

The reality is the lack of a relationship opens up the bark of my tree to reveal the hollow center.  This may be something I can fill in over time but most of my 21 years in Florida has been spent almost exclusively with my wife/partner with very little effort put into building anything else.  Generally speaking, I don’t typically feel sorry for myself very long before my inner drill sergeant chimes in and reminds me to get back on the path forward instead of spinning in circles.

In one of my videos from the weekend I talked about how rough holidays are going to be since this upcoming weekend is normally when I would pull out the Halloween inflateables.  Going through the effort to decorate the home just for myself may be just another exercise to put on an appearance that externally it’s business as usual. The reality is doing this sort of stuff with no one to share the experience/enjoyment with is a real struggle for me mentally.  I’m not sure if time fixes that issue or not.  Most of the single friends I know don’t do much at all for the holidays, maybe that will eventually be my new normal.