Yesterday after work I met my buddy Jeff to play some pickleball. We started off a game of singles but were quickly asked by two women if we wanted to play doubles. We said sure. We kept the teams mixed to keep it more even. We played 5 or 6 competitive games. My play was both good and bad at times but it was a good way to spend a couple hours.

I went home and immediately jumped in the shower. Gladys is back in town and she was coming over with two of her sisters and sweet Leilani. We had a really good visit where we caught up on the latest and greatest. Of course I had a lot to share about what my last month was like. We drank Cayman Jack, laughed a lot and just had a great time. I am going to be going to their house Wednesday evening for dinner which should be fun as well. It was good for me to see them.

Last night was the first time I had a “normal” nights sleep in quite awhile. Now to achieve that I was almost up until midnight, drank 5 or 6 Cayman Jacks and doubled up my Unisom dose but still, it’s progress. I know at some point in the future I’ll look back at this time period of my life and write it off as 2023 being the year of stupidity.

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On Friday my buddy Clay had reached out and asked me if I wanted to ride and go grab some food/beers with friends of his. I told him I would let him know as I was already running on fumes thanks to very minimal sleep the last several days. However shortly before I left work I told him I was good to go. In my mind the benefit of hanging with a friend would surpass the negatives of running on next to no sleep.

I had a really good time riding and then hanging out at a place I never frequented before. I also got to meet Clay’s wife for the first time which was great. Two more couples showed up to hang with us making me the lone single person in the group. It was fine, I had a good time and discovered I like Iguana Bait beer. It felt good to not be focusing on the bullshit I have been, at least for a short while.

During the day Friday I made a last second decision to do a very quick PA visit. I am going to be staying with my buddy Troy and his fiance but am hoping to meet up with my family during the day on Friday. It’s going to be a very hit and run sort of visit with my only having two days that don’t involve flying on the agenda. Much like rolling with Clay, it’s another effort to help clear my mind and enjoy time with people that love me.

On Saturday I shot a video regarding my One Wheel. I have been avoiding doing an update for quite awhile because I heard of people killing their boards in the process. Clay told me he had avoided doing it as well for the same reason. I decided to give it a go, on video of course.

Saturday night I took myself to dinner at Carrabas where I sat at the bar as I always do, chatting to the bartender Helen who knows me well at this point. I inhaled a big bowl of spaghetti, a full loaf of bread and a salad. I am trying to regain those 5-6 lbs I lost in the midst of the mess of a relationship I just emerged from.

Sunday morning I played pickleball. The skies were threatening the entire time, I was expecting to get rained out but it held off. During the afternoon I decided I wanted to try to get another ride in on the Lynx. Furthermore I decided I wanted to do the full two sets of stairs instead of just one of them this time. Doing the flight of 14 wasn’t horrible, adding one more flight shouldn’t be a big deal. Well I slightly miscalculated the difficulty increase.

Unlike last week where I stood at the top of the stairs pondering my fate, this time I just rolled to the top and immediately headed down, kamikaze style. The first flight of 12 stairs was ok but I didn’t really think much about how much faster I would be hitting the second set. I was barely able to maintain control as I flew down the last 14 steps so fast that the tire was hardly hitting the stairs. It was intense. I rolled away with a sigh of relief and no looming desire to do more steps than that, 26 is enough.

I got back in time to watch the Eagles game. I hoped this was the game where they would get their heads screwed on straight to build momentum for the playoffs. Instead, they fell apart. The 4-12 Giants absolutely crushed them, dominating on both sides of the ball. At this point I have no answers. I don’t understand how a 10-1 team can disintegrate so quickly into the mess we have before us now. I have very little optimism that they will put up much fight in their playoff game at Tampa Bay next week. The team seems to have just quit, for reasons that are unclear to me.

Over the weekend I kept stumbling across things that are remnants of what was my reality last month. The fate of any object that fits that category is always the same, straight into the trash can. Last night food items joined that purge list as there was stuff in the fridge and freezer that was disposed of.

I have been getting at least 5-6 hours of sleep the past few nights thanks to doubling up on my Unisom dosage. I am trying to put the work into derailing negative thoughts about what transpired which typically are what my mind latches onto if I wind up waking up. It’s going to be a long road ahead but I am lucky to at least be free and clear of it so I can focus on what actually matters instead of fake realities.

One other thing I have been mulling about is this blog itself. I was chatting with Troy about it and he mentioned how in the big picture it might not serve me to continue to do it. His point was how it contains personal thoughts and feelings that in some situations could come back to bite me. I have talked before about how in every long term relationship I have had the blog had become a point of conflict in one way or another.

It’s a difficult thing for me to consider. Writing here has always been somewhat therapeutic. I know my willingness to go below the surface at times is interesting to readers. It’s also a way some of my friends and family stay in tune with my life since I live thousands of miles away from most of them. However I need to consider if it is serving my greater good down the road. Maybe the answer is to again make it private, requiring a logon to view or perhaps I just close the public facing side altogether, making it something I do, just for me. It’s nothing I need to decide on today but it is something orbiting around my head.

Across the span of the last two nights I have gotten somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 hours sleep, total. As more things have been brought to my attention the worse the reality becomes. Last night I took two unisom instead of one, surely that would knock me unconscious for at least a few hours. Nope, I awoke at 1 AM and was wide awake the rest of the night.

Now I know that I am in control of my thinking and I need to be the one to focus on the brighter skies that surely lay ahead. But right now my brain is just circling around a black hole of lies and actions that are among the worst I ever dealt with. The gambit of negative emotions just keep churning in my head. Obviously I need to hit the reset button.

My goal this weekend is to keep myself as busy as possible. I can only hope on Monday the fog at least starts to clear. Gladys is due in on Sunday so it will be nice to spend some time with her to help knock back the mental weeds.

Yesterday was a difficult day. It was the day I found out just how deep the rabbit hole was in regards to how destructive, deceptive, and manipulative a person can be. What I discovered shook my foundation and I now have significant doubts in my ability to truly know a person, let alone be willing to trust one deeply. If there was any doubt in my mind remaining, the nuke button was pressed, annihilating whatever remained.

I had a priority mail box show up at my door today from good old Lenhartsville, where my dad and stepmom live. I was curious what it was. When I opened it up all I saw was a bunch of green tissue paper but as I unraveled it I saw the treasure inside, Christmas cookies.

I have always loved my step mom’s cookies and I found myself excited to have a number of bags of them to choose from. It was a belated Christmas gift that I appreciated more than she may realize, especially with the moods I have been having recently.

So tonight I played volleyball with the group that includes a lot of low skilled players. I did NOT have much fun as our team included a young girl that was built like a volleyball player but had a skill set that would get her kicked off a lot of backyard volleyball picnic games, it was that bad. I just got frustrated by it all even though I did my best to conceal it. I also got a bit of a wake up call.

One of the women that plays I have played pickleball with before, a few times. She had asked me about playing right after I resumed seeing my ex and I told her I couldn’t play. So tonight I told her that I was available to play again if she wanted. She asked if I had split up again, I told her I had. I did not expect what came next.

She said that she appreciates the offer but she doesn’t like being a friend only when I am not in a relationship. She took some real offense to it. I was caught off guard and almost felt like telling her additional background to my situation that made me isolate from other females.

I didn’t. As I let it mull around in my head I could understand why she could feel that way and she was certainly entitled to it. I however left about a half hour early. I wasn’t having fun and the interaction sort of impacted me. I isolated from all sorts of things because I was so focused on being successful in the relationship. It was a bit of a wake up call and further assurance that many of my decisions in 2023 left a lot to be desired.

I do not think I am going to be playing volleyball with this Tuesday night group any longer. There is a more skilled group that plays on Thursdays that I am going to try to slide into. I am finding myself getting more and more frustrated playing and that is the last thing I am looking for at this point and time.

I have been chomping at the bit to take down the Christmas decorations this year. Presumably it’s because of the negative feelings the 2023 version will forever hold. Saturday morning I ripped into it. There were things that found their way into the trash, things that only a week ago held emotional significance to me. My transformation over the last year into a person that is willing to depart with material objects much more than in the past assisted in disposing of these things, despite the pain it causes.

Once the decorations were down I continued circling the house putting things back to how they were. As I did so I stumbled across additional items that were hers that I have gathered in a small pile. On Friday after work I had already dropped off what I thought was the last of it. My plan for these few additional items is to just ship them in a box. By the end of the weekend my house was back in order with the chaos and clutter banished. I did a lot of the work with the great room slider pushed all the way open, letting in the cool outside air to help further refresh the space.

On Friday I also picked up a new wheel that was sent to me for evaluation, the Veteran Lynx. During the afternoon Saturday I decided to get the range test out of the way. It didn’t take long for me to question that decision. The temperatures were in the low to mid-60’s and overcast. I wore a hoodie but also chose to wear shorts. Riding at 30-35MPH created an artificial wind chill that quickly made me very cold. During the video I constantly commented on it. To make matters worse I wound up riding on a path that had a small section under water. Riding through it submerged my feet briefly, soaking them completely. It was a pretty miserable 55 miles.

On Saturday night after taking a very hot shower I treated myself to dinner at Carrabas. I always eat at the bar, a tradition I started with Christine. I have been there enough that the bartender knows my name, the beer I normally get and my most ordered dinner item. It was nice.

When I got home I decided to use my outdoor fire pit for the first time. I already had the firewood as originally the fire was supposed to be utilized for something else that was no longer valid. I took a bunch of paper I had left over from Christmas to use as kindling and after a little effort had a pretty respectable fire lighting up the patio. I sat there and ate a cup of ice cream as I thought about the symbolism of burning up all of the things from the last year that do not serve my greater good. There was a lot of things that fit that category.

My New Years Eve started bright and early with a pickleball session. The temps were in 50’s when we started but it quickly felt warmer once the sun got higher in the sky. The Sunday sessions were a couple activity up until this week so there was some explaining to do that was less than fun.

I got around to installing a few accessories I got for Christmas for the Tesla. It included a white console cover to match the white seats and the black out emblem covers that more closely matched the other blacked out parts of the car. Finally I attached a black rear spoiler that makes my Model Y look like the performance trim level of the car. It only took 15 minutes to do it all and I am pleased with the results.

I spent a good chunk of the day rewatching the Zak Snyder cut of Justice League, yea all 4 hours of it. Why you may ask? Why not. It’s one of few DC superhero movies I genuinely like.

I watched the Eagles lose to the Cardinals, at home. At this point it is clear that the team just is in disarray. The defense is porous and the offense is inconsistent. To lose to a 3-12 at home is simply inexcusable. At this point it wont surprise me if the Birds hit the playoffs and are immediately eliminated. It’s a shame , earlier in the season it seemed like they still had some of the magic that got them to the Super Bowl last year.

Any prior NYE plans I had obviously had evaporated earlier in the week. I instead decided to do a live stream, the first one since the last time I had a break up. In addition to the Cayman Jacks I normally drink I also had some champagne to celebrate the occasion. It was a VERY long stream covering close to three hours and 45 minutes. Both personal and PEV topics were discussed, I bounced between them regularly.

New Years Day started much like the day prior with a pickleball session at Talis Park. I played even longer than the day before and enjoyed myself despite there being an overarching weirdness of doing this solo instead of as part of a tandem.

I made arrangements to meet up with my riding buddy Jason early Monday afternoon. He wanted to see the demo Lynx. We met up at the Greenway, one of my favorite places to ride. The parking lot was PACKED, evidently a bunch of people decided to start their 2024 enjoying the beautiful weather while on the greenway. I had never seen it this full.

We had a good ride that had a number of close calls. I almost ran over a bank and into the water after coming down a set of steps awkwardly. I nearly fell into thick mud that was on the mulch trail. Finally, I challenged myself to ride down a flight of 14 steps, something I never attempted before. I had genuine fear at the top as I looked down, imagining what could happen if I lost control on the way down. Eventually I just YOLO’d it, all of the frustration and anger I have been dealing with for a good portion of 2023 helped propel me forward, down the steps. I had a small audience as I rocketed down. Luckily the suspension in the Lynx made the attempt less difficult than I imagined. I breathed a large sigh of relief as I rolled out on the sidewalk below, unscathed. Next time I may try to do the entire rise of 28 steps.

Jason had his own issues where he fell twice after coming off a curb. His suspension seemed a little tight and his technique needed a little work. I adjusted his suspension to a softer setting which seemed to help. We again rode down to the beach. Much like the Greenway, the beach was packed with people, ringing in New Years in a good way. By the time we got back it was about a two hour session. I thanked Jason for the ride as we made plans to do it again soon.

The rest of my New Years day was spent editing video, eating a Wawa dinner and spending more time contemplating where my life is going next. Ultimately peace, happiness, and being content are the goals that I am targeting. (who isn’t?) It’s just a matter of getting my mind in the right place to facilitate that outcome.

I have never been a fan of New Year resolutions. To me if you vow to make a change that is based on a day on the calendar, you aren’t serious about doing it. If you want to make a change, do it now or don’t do it at all. So my resolution which has already started, is to put more priority on what I need moving forward instead of pushing it to the back of the room where it may or may not be tended to.

My critical flaw is being a lifelong people pleaser. This trait is nice if you are the person on the receiving end of my generosity but the problem is when it is allowed to undermine/override things I require to be happy as well. I have known this about myself for decades and yet I still struggle to prioritize myself if there is another person in the equation. It’s something that I will have to continue to fight with to achieve some sort of balance. If one person is doing mostly giving while the other is doing mostly taking it ultimately leads to hurt feelings, conflict and multiple other negative scenarios. I have to reign it in.

This weekend I hope to fix the dishwasher and then turn my attention to getting the house back to normal. Any Christmas related items will be packed away and a number of things that had been changed/modified will now be put back to their original location. It will be a significant effort that will surely contain moments of pause. The good news is I have a 3 day weekend to make it all happen. Maybe when Christmas 2024 rolls around I will be opening the Christmas bins with a sense of hope and excitement that was missing this year.

After my scheduled live stream New Years Eve I hope to emerge into 2024 with an attitude that serves me, instead of mostly others.

So as you may have picked up on, I’m not in a great mood. It’s been a pretty shitty day where I have found my emotions oscillating between a number of states, none of them good. Before I left for work I went around the house and started culling a number of things that were visual reminders of what has ended. The Christmas tree now sits alone in a space that was filled with presents, potential and promise only a few days prior. I pulled and tossed a number of things that were joint decorations, each one delivering a small sting as it went into the trash.

When I got home Elsa looked guilty but I wasn’t sure why. She was jumping up at me as I walked her out the slider to the back yard. Once I got on the lanai I looked back and saw a trail of brown footprints that began in the great room. The brown floor evidently did a good job of masking the pile of dog shit that was there, which I now had conveniently stepped in. I was pissed….

This morning it was raining so Elsa, who is fearful of rain among many other things, would not stay out in the yard to do anything. So instead I am welcomed home to a literal shit show. The miserable clean up took at least 15 minutes until I had the floor wiped clean and bleached. My joy level clicked up further when I saw she also puked in the guest bedroom. To hit for the cycle she did not eat her breakfast and thus far ignored her dinner as well.

As you can tell, Elsa is a very sensitive animal and I have no doubt she is picking up on my stress as well. She also was really attached to my ex’s dog and my ex as well. The sudden removal of their presence is surely confusing for her.

I have been coming across various things around the house that I will still need to return. I am giving it a day or two to make sure I have whatever there is so one final delivery can occur. Sure I could take a too bad so sad attitude about it but that does not fall into line with the “treat others as you would like to be treated” mindset that I try to adhere to as consistently as possible.

My plans for this upcoming New Years weekend have obviously taken a right turn. As of now I am planning to live stream on New Years eve, the first time streaming since the last split. Outside of that I am going to try to stay busy and focus on what I have gained from this new reality as opposed to what has been lost. For almost the entire previous 12 months I have had my focus in other directions. I need to strengthen different and new connections/situations moving forward instead of the rinse and repeat of 2023.

My desire to dig into thinking about 2023 is minimal based on what just went down the last few days but it’s a two decade plus tradition that I am not interested in breaking at this moment in time. Let’s see what my goals for this year were. This is made more arduous since my ex’s name is splattered all over last year’s entry.

I talked about hoping for better health this year. I hoped to play more pickleball. I talked about playing volleyball and I talked about gaining weight. I hammered out all of these things. This time last year my body weight was very low, scraping against 170. Through aggressive eating and working out I topped out at 182 or 183 lbs a few months ago. Unfortunately I have dropped maybe 5 of those pounds due to stress and modified eating habits that my ex enjoyed. Pickleball is now a 3-4 times a week thing and I have been playing volleyball all year without hurting myself in a significant way which is surprising.

I talked about future home improvements but I was still in my old house at this time. I have spent a small fortune on home improvements since moving however getting new cabinets, counter tops, gutters, ceiling fans, and hurricane shutters, just off the top of my head.

I hoped to include more travel this year. The only air travel I did was to Texas and California (it’s a long story not designed to be explained here) Otherwise I stayed in state for the rest of the year.

I talked about realigning my finances and doing a better job of controlling compulsive buying. That is a fail, a hard fail. I have spent more money than ever in 2023, it just was on different things. Between relationships and home improvements I have thrown dollars out at a torrent pace. One of the benefits of being single is I can close that spending valve significantly.

The last thing I talked about was relationship goals. I had come off a year of being depressed and lost. I was for the first time in a long time optimistic at that time with the new relationship I was in. I had a very positive outlook that got disintegrated about a week into 2023. Since that time I had off and on relationships with my ex and Christine the entire year. It was filled with alternating cycles of hope, sadness, joy, and disappointment. I have never had this much drama in my personal relationships as I have this past year and I hope to never experience it again.

Usually I go back and review month by month posts to give you more comprehensive years in review. I am not doing that this year, instead relying on what stands out in my mind as I sit here today.

The biggest change of this year was of course my selling the house I have lived in since 2001. Getting the house ready to sell was a monumental effort that I took on almost entirely by myself. I mentally and literally purged myself from years of things, tossing out items that I once deemed valuable and not thinking twice about it. That mindset has remained 9 months later, I am much more willing to part with things than I once was.

The house I bought is a third smaller, has a tiny piece of land compared to the nearly 3 acres I once controlled and I love it. It’s location has been life changing for me, putting me only a few minutes away from my job and close to nearly everything I need.

I now pay someone to maintain my grass and clean my house because I am at the point where my time is more valuable than money. My responsibilities have been streamlined in order to give me free time to do more of what I want, when I want. It’s been a significant mindset change, for the better IMO.

One of the things I thought I would have lots of time for was my electric wheels and One Wheel. Instead I have seen my riding time tail off, significantly so during the times I was with my ex as she had no interest in learning how to ride. My 3D printing hobby has been on life support as well. My 3D store is almost dead and just have not found the interest to do anything significant on my print farm either.

I have done a lot more drinking in 2023. The discovery of Cayman Jack as my new Zima resulted in me consuming the drink in large amounts, sometimes for fun, sometimes to drown my sorrows.

Along with physical things I have dropped some other things like watching a lot of tv. I used to have my DVR loaded up with enough content for days. Now I deleted all recording schedules and just watch stuff when I feel like it. Even Friday night pizza has become a more miss than hit thing in my routine.

My blog was yet another target for reduction. The negative feelings my ex had regarding it resulted in my making it private for most of the year as well as my being more willing to restrict what I wrote to more sterile subjects to not ruffle feathers. The blog has since once again been made public and will remain that way.

From a work perspective I am doing great. My first full year as the IT director has come and gone without major ripples. My boss appreciates me and I appreciate my employees. At this point I have 6 years and change until I can retire with a full pension and am counting down the days.

To be very honest my brain is not functioning at a high level right now as anything else I can think of is tied into my two failed relationships and I don’t need to expand on it further.

So what the F do I want my 2024 to look like? That is a good question.

I hope my good health and fitness trends that have creeped upwards in 2023 continue to do so. I usually find motivation to push myself more physically when I am angry or frustrated with other aspects of my life so I should be good to go.

Home improvements this year will likely be minimal. There are things that I want to eventually do like update the master bathroom but it is not a must do. I need to see what my tax situation is going to be this year before doing anything else. The capital gains from the home sale are going to make things tricky.

Would I like to travel more in 2024? Sure. Would I like to travel myself? Not really. Other than visits potentially to see friends or family I don’t see much happening this year.

Do I have personal/relationship goals in 2024? After seeing how opening myself up to relationships this past year has worked out for me I don’t really know that looking for one is something I have interest in doing. If the stars align and I manage to fall into something down the road with a quality human being that’s great but I won’t be actively seeking anything out. I am past the age where I need female conquests to make me feel better about myself. I need to feel at peace, whether that is with or without a partner. Going day to day not knowing which end is up is not a way to live, I can attest to that.

I know this recap more or less sucks.

I hope you and yours have a great New Year celebration. You can likely find mine occurring drunk on a live stream.