That is the word I would use to describe the Eagles performance in their wildcard playoff game against the Buccaneers. They sucked in every way imaginable. The defense was porous, missing tackles left and right while allowing the worst running team in the league to pile up yards on the ground. Jalen was under constant pressure from the Bucs blitz and apparently had no ability to make them pay for it. This was a consistent theme as the tailspin ensued, blitz Hurts, they have no answer. Hell the Eagles even got stopped on their brotherly shove this game.
It was a depressing end to a season that had a lot of promise for two thirds of it. I think Sirianni could be in trouble, the collapse was that bad. The team just had no answers, no fight and no fire. Early on in last nights game I was angry and cursing loudly after each blown play. By the end of it I silently watched as the mistakes continued to pile up, resigned to the fact that this team was just bad.
I took Wednesday off for two reasons. I wanted to get time to prep for my trip to PA and I wanted to have some time to hang with Gladys during the day. One of those two things happened (Gladys got busy during the day) however I did go to Gladys’s home Wednesday evening where I got treated to a family dinner which was really great. They truly made me feel like one of their family and I appreciated it.
My flight out Thursday was not until almost 10:30 so I didn’t have to get up stupid early. I was flying Spirit airline to Philly and then renting a car to get to the Lancaster area. The flight was fine although I do find myself annoyed with Spirit’s everything is ala carte business model. The rental car experience was less fun.
I rented from Thrifty. When I stepped in the office I was third in line. 45 minutes later I was still third in line. Some computer issue that none of the staff was able to explain very well had brought things to a standstill. Finally things started working but my patience had long been consumed by then.
When I got to Troy’s house he was not home yet but his fiance Jess was. We walked to a nearby bar and grabbed drinks and some food. When Troy got home he had not eaten yet so we went out again. This time I consumed an entire medium sized pizza by myself, a deliberate act of gluttony. I have been trying to put my eating back to a priority to get my body weight back into the 180s. I also downed a decent amount of alcohol the first night there.
Troy lives in a 100 year old plus row home. I was sleeping on the top floor. The house reminds me of the house I grew up in many years ago. To ensure I slept I doubled up my unisom. It seemed to work except it made me extra groggy in the morning.
I designated Friday as the day I would see my brother and my dad. On the way to Todd’s place I did a quick drive by of Gouglersville and the house I grew up in. The amount of change in the area is staggering. Seeing my old house also brought a mixed bag of memories. It seems like such a long time ago yet I could see certain parts of the property that brought back memories that did not seem quite so distant.
Afterward I went to Todd’s place where I met up with him before going to eat lunch with him, Mindy, Caroline and my dad who met us there. After a decent lunch we all headed back to Todd’s place. I got to spend time with Oakley and Bailey, Todd’s two huge Alaskan Malamutes. Oakley, who weighs close to 185 pounds almost knocked me off my feet when he jumped up to put his paws on my shoulders. I appreciated they still remember me. Todd and I took them for a walk later which the dogs appreciated.
I told Todd Troy and I were planning to go to the Grantville casino that night. He said Mindy and he could meet us there so we agreed to do so. I drove back to Lancaster to meet up with Troy and told Todd we would meet them there. On the way to the casino we stopped to grab dinner at an italian place that had GREAT food. I really enjoyed it.
The trip to the casino was interesting. The place is also a horse track. I actually did no gambling whatsoever outside of giving Jess 20 bucks to play in a slot machine. We also caught the last two live horse races of the night. The conditions were miserable with a persistent cold rain. The track conditions were listed as “sloppy”, what an understatement. I felt bad for the horses, of course.
The casino had a live cover band that was entertaining. They weren’t as entertaining as “granny” however, an older woman whom danced with her husband the ENTIRE time. No joke, this woman did not stop, it was crazy.
Troy and Jess had seen her there before as well as a few other interesting characters. I kept the Miller Lite flowing most of the night. Friday night wound up stretching into Saturday morning. By the time I fell asleep it was pushing up against 3AM. I can not tell you the last time I was up so late.
On Saturday we had a day that was slower paced as we all were a bit wiped from the night before. We did go out to grab breakfast at another nice place that was again within walking distance. Early in the afternoon I sat in on Troy’s end of year fantasy football podcast along with one of the other owner’s, Mike.
I had sat in on the podcast last November as well when I was visiting. We had a lot of fun talking about both real and fantasy football for close to 90 minutes. I was drinking the entire time and found myself very drunk by the end of it.
For the rest of the day and into the evening we mostly watched the NFL playoffs however later in the evening Troy wanted to go to a nearby bar. The place definitely had dive bar vibes which is fine. What wasn’t fine was the group of drunk college kids who quickly annoyed the living F out of me. I found myself working to control the urge to choke more than one of them. I was happy to head home afterwards.
The first thing I did Sunday was take a shower. Somehow on Saturday I never got around to taking one which made me feel gross. I always shower daily and during the work week wind up taking two of them. Jess made us a nice little breakfast as Troy and I just hung out and talked. Despite all of the drinking and craziness the few days contained what really was valuable to me, just talking, to both Jess and Troy. They are recently engaged and by being around them I could sense the love that keeps them pulled together. I admired it and hoped I could find myself in that place someday.
I pulled out of Lancaster before 10:30 after thanking them for their hospitality which I really did appreciate. The trip was last minute and out of nowhere yet they were happy to accommodate me, sensing how I could use some time away.
On the drive to Philly I got some unexpected snow. At times it was genuine snow squall conditions although it was not really sticking to the road which I was thankful for. The drive was uneventful and returning the vehicle was much less annoying than picking it up. The flight home followed the same pattern with little bubbles and no troubles.
I went straight to Ali’s to grab Elsa. As usual Elsa was not thrilled for me to take her away from Ali and Shugs but she warmed up once I got her home. My MLK day, which is a government holiday has been busy between doing post trip duties, going to the gym, playing pickleball and getting groceries. I am now settling in to watch the Eagles game, hoping they can finally find a way to wake up from the month and half of shitty play tonight.
The trip accomplished what I hoped. It helped me push the events of the last few months further into the background, allowing me to refocus on all of the possibilities ahead of me. I am even able to sleep through the night using only one Unisom, the first time that has happened in close to three weeks. Thank you to my family, Troy and Jess for showing me the love and support I needed.
Yesterday after work I met my buddy Jeff to play some pickleball. We started off a game of singles but were quickly asked by two women if we wanted to play doubles. We said sure. We kept the teams mixed to keep it more even. We played 5 or 6 competitive games. My play was both good and bad at times but it was a good way to spend a couple hours.
I went home and immediately jumped in the shower. Gladys is back in town and she was coming over with two of her sisters and sweet Leilani. We had a really good visit where we caught up on the latest and greatest. Of course I had a lot to share about what my last month was like. We drank Cayman Jack, laughed a lot and just had a great time. I am going to be going to their house Wednesday evening for dinner which should be fun as well. It was good for me to see them.
Last night was the first time I had a “normal” nights sleep in quite awhile. Now to achieve that I was almost up until midnight, drank 5 or 6 Cayman Jacks and doubled up my Unisom dose but still, it’s progress. I know at some point in the future I’ll look back at this time period of my life and write it off as 2023 being the year of stupidity.
On Friday my buddy Clay had reached out and asked me if I wanted to ride and go grab some food/beers with friends of his. I told him I would let him know as I was already running on fumes thanks to very minimal sleep the last several days. However shortly before I left work I told him I was good to go. In my mind the benefit of hanging with a friend would surpass the negatives of running on next to no sleep.
I had a really good time riding and then hanging out at a place I never frequented before. I also got to meet Clay’s wife for the first time which was great. Two more couples showed up to hang with us making me the lone single person in the group. It was fine, I had a good time and discovered I like Iguana Bait beer. It felt good to not be focusing on the bullshit I have been, at least for a short while.
During the day Friday I made a last second decision to do a very quick PA visit. I am going to be staying with my buddy Troy and his fiance but am hoping to meet up with my family during the day on Friday. It’s going to be a very hit and run sort of visit with my only having two days that don’t involve flying on the agenda. Much like rolling with Clay, it’s another effort to help clear my mind and enjoy time with people that love me.
On Saturday I shot a video regarding my One Wheel. I have been avoiding doing an update for quite awhile because I heard of people killing their boards in the process. Clay told me he had avoided doing it as well for the same reason. I decided to give it a go, on video of course.
Saturday night I took myself to dinner at Carrabas where I sat at the bar as I always do, chatting to the bartender Helen who knows me well at this point. I inhaled a big bowl of spaghetti, a full loaf of bread and a salad. I am trying to regain those 5-6 lbs I lost in the midst of the mess of a relationship I just emerged from.
Sunday morning I played pickleball. The skies were threatening the entire time, I was expecting to get rained out but it held off. During the afternoon I decided I wanted to try to get another ride in on the Lynx. Furthermore I decided I wanted to do the full two sets of stairs instead of just one of them this time. Doing the flight of 14 wasn’t horrible, adding one more flight shouldn’t be a big deal. Well I slightly miscalculated the difficulty increase.
Unlike last week where I stood at the top of the stairs pondering my fate, this time I just rolled to the top and immediately headed down, kamikaze style. The first flight of 12 stairs was ok but I didn’t really think much about how much faster I would be hitting the second set. I was barely able to maintain control as I flew down the last 14 steps so fast that the tire was hardly hitting the stairs. It was intense. I rolled away with a sigh of relief and no looming desire to do more steps than that, 26 is enough.
I got back in time to watch the Eagles game. I hoped this was the game where they would get their heads screwed on straight to build momentum for the playoffs. Instead, they fell apart. The 4-12 Giants absolutely crushed them, dominating on both sides of the ball. At this point I have no answers. I don’t understand how a 10-1 team can disintegrate so quickly into the mess we have before us now. I have very little optimism that they will put up much fight in their playoff game at Tampa Bay next week. The team seems to have just quit, for reasons that are unclear to me.
Over the weekend I kept stumbling across things that are remnants of what was my reality last month. The fate of any object that fits that category is always the same, straight into the trash can. Last night food items joined that purge list as there was stuff in the fridge and freezer that was disposed of.
I have been getting at least 5-6 hours of sleep the past few nights thanks to doubling up on my Unisom dosage. I am trying to put the work into derailing negative thoughts about what transpired which typically are what my mind latches onto if I wind up waking up. It’s going to be a long road ahead but I am lucky to at least be free and clear of it so I can focus on what actually matters instead of fake realities.
One other thing I have been mulling about is this blog itself. I was chatting with Troy about it and he mentioned how in the big picture it might not serve me to continue to do it. His point was how it contains personal thoughts and feelings that in some situations could come back to bite me. I have talked before about how in every long term relationship I have had the blog had become a point of conflict in one way or another.
It’s a difficult thing for me to consider. Writing here has always been somewhat therapeutic. I know my willingness to go below the surface at times is interesting to readers. It’s also a way some of my friends and family stay in tune with my life since I live thousands of miles away from most of them. However I need to consider if it is serving my greater good down the road. Maybe the answer is to again make it private, requiring a logon to view or perhaps I just close the public facing side altogether, making it something I do, just for me. It’s nothing I need to decide on today but it is something orbiting around my head.
Across the span of the last two nights I have gotten somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 hours sleep, total. As more things have been brought to my attention the worse the reality becomes. Last night I took two unisom instead of one, surely that would knock me unconscious for at least a few hours. Nope, I awoke at 1 AM and was wide awake the rest of the night.
Now I know that I am in control of my thinking and I need to be the one to focus on the brighter skies that surely lay ahead. But right now my brain is just circling around a black hole of lies and actions that are among the worst I ever dealt with. The gambit of negative emotions just keep churning in my head. Obviously I need to hit the reset button.
My goal this weekend is to keep myself as busy as possible. I can only hope on Monday the fog at least starts to clear. Gladys is due in on Sunday so it will be nice to spend some time with her to help knock back the mental weeds.
Yesterday was a difficult day. It was the day I found out just how deep the rabbit hole was in regards to how destructive, deceptive, and manipulative a person can be. What I discovered shook my foundation and I now have significant doubts in my ability to truly know a person, let alone be willing to trust one deeply. If there was any doubt in my mind remaining, the nuke button was pressed, annihilating whatever remained.
I had a priority mail box show up at my door today from good old Lenhartsville, where my dad and stepmom live. I was curious what it was. When I opened it up all I saw was a bunch of green tissue paper but as I unraveled it I saw the treasure inside, Christmas cookies.
I have always loved my step mom’s cookies and I found myself excited to have a number of bags of them to choose from. It was a belated Christmas gift that I appreciated more than she may realize, especially with the moods I have been having recently.
So tonight I played volleyball with the group that includes a lot of low skilled players. I did NOT have much fun as our team included a young girl that was built like a volleyball player but had a skill set that would get her kicked off a lot of backyard volleyball picnic games, it was that bad. I just got frustrated by it all even though I did my best to conceal it. I also got a bit of a wake up call.
One of the women that plays I have played pickleball with before, a few times. She had asked me about playing right after I resumed seeing my ex and I told her I couldn’t play. So tonight I told her that I was available to play again if she wanted. She asked if I had split up again, I told her I had. I did not expect what came next.
She said that she appreciates the offer but she doesn’t like being a friend only when I am not in a relationship. She took some real offense to it. I was caught off guard and almost felt like telling her additional background to my situation that made me isolate from other females.
I didn’t. As I let it mull around in my head I could understand why she could feel that way and she was certainly entitled to it. I however left about a half hour early. I wasn’t having fun and the interaction sort of impacted me. I isolated from all sorts of things because I was so focused on being successful in the relationship. It was a bit of a wake up call and further assurance that many of my decisions in 2023 left a lot to be desired.
I do not think I am going to be playing volleyball with this Tuesday night group any longer. There is a more skilled group that plays on Thursdays that I am going to try to slide into. I am finding myself getting more and more frustrated playing and that is the last thing I am looking for at this point and time.
I have been chomping at the bit to take down the Christmas decorations this year. Presumably it’s because of the negative feelings the 2023 version will forever hold. Saturday morning I ripped into it. There were things that found their way into the trash, things that only a week ago held emotional significance to me. My transformation over the last year into a person that is willing to depart with material objects much more than in the past assisted in disposing of these things, despite the pain it causes.
Once the decorations were down I continued circling the house putting things back to how they were. As I did so I stumbled across additional items that were hers that I have gathered in a small pile. On Friday after work I had already dropped off what I thought was the last of it. My plan for these few additional items is to just ship them in a box. By the end of the weekend my house was back in order with the chaos and clutter banished. I did a lot of the work with the great room slider pushed all the way open, letting in the cool outside air to help further refresh the space.
On Friday I also picked up a new wheel that was sent to me for evaluation, the Veteran Lynx. During the afternoon Saturday I decided to get the range test out of the way. It didn’t take long for me to question that decision. The temperatures were in the low to mid-60’s and overcast. I wore a hoodie but also chose to wear shorts. Riding at 30-35MPH created an artificial wind chill that quickly made me very cold. During the video I constantly commented on it. To make matters worse I wound up riding on a path that had a small section under water. Riding through it submerged my feet briefly, soaking them completely. It was a pretty miserable 55 miles.
On Saturday night after taking a very hot shower I treated myself to dinner at Carrabas. I always eat at the bar, a tradition I started with Christine. I have been there enough that the bartender knows my name, the beer I normally get and my most ordered dinner item. It was nice.
When I got home I decided to use my outdoor fire pit for the first time. I already had the firewood as originally the fire was supposed to be utilized for something else that was no longer valid. I took a bunch of paper I had left over from Christmas to use as kindling and after a little effort had a pretty respectable fire lighting up the patio. I sat there and ate a cup of ice cream as I thought about the symbolism of burning up all of the things from the last year that do not serve my greater good. There was a lot of things that fit that category.
My New Years Eve started bright and early with a pickleball session. The temps were in 50’s when we started but it quickly felt warmer once the sun got higher in the sky. The Sunday sessions were a couple activity up until this week so there was some explaining to do that was less than fun.
I got around to installing a few accessories I got for Christmas for the Tesla. It included a white console cover to match the white seats and the black out emblem covers that more closely matched the other blacked out parts of the car. Finally I attached a black rear spoiler that makes my Model Y look like the performance trim level of the car. It only took 15 minutes to do it all and I am pleased with the results.
I spent a good chunk of the day rewatching the Zak Snyder cut of Justice League, yea all 4 hours of it. Why you may ask? Why not. It’s one of few DC superhero movies I genuinely like.
I watched the Eagles lose to the Cardinals, at home. At this point it is clear that the team just is in disarray. The defense is porous and the offense is inconsistent. To lose to a 3-12 at home is simply inexcusable. At this point it wont surprise me if the Birds hit the playoffs and are immediately eliminated. It’s a shame , earlier in the season it seemed like they still had some of the magic that got them to the Super Bowl last year.
Any prior NYE plans I had obviously had evaporated earlier in the week. I instead decided to do a live stream, the first one since the last time I had a break up. In addition to the Cayman Jacks I normally drink I also had some champagne to celebrate the occasion. It was a VERY long stream covering close to three hours and 45 minutes. Both personal and PEV topics were discussed, I bounced between them regularly.
New Years Day started much like the day prior with a pickleball session at Talis Park. I played even longer than the day before and enjoyed myself despite there being an overarching weirdness of doing this solo instead of as part of a tandem.
I made arrangements to meet up with my riding buddy Jason early Monday afternoon. He wanted to see the demo Lynx. We met up at the Greenway, one of my favorite places to ride. The parking lot was PACKED, evidently a bunch of people decided to start their 2024 enjoying the beautiful weather while on the greenway. I had never seen it this full.
We had a good ride that had a number of close calls. I almost ran over a bank and into the water after coming down a set of steps awkwardly. I nearly fell into thick mud that was on the mulch trail. Finally, I challenged myself to ride down a flight of 14 steps, something I never attempted before. I had genuine fear at the top as I looked down, imagining what could happen if I lost control on the way down. Eventually I just YOLO’d it, all of the frustration and anger I have been dealing with for a good portion of 2023 helped propel me forward, down the steps. I had a small audience as I rocketed down. Luckily the suspension in the Lynx made the attempt less difficult than I imagined. I breathed a large sigh of relief as I rolled out on the sidewalk below, unscathed. Next time I may try to do the entire rise of 28 steps.
Jason had his own issues where he fell twice after coming off a curb. His suspension seemed a little tight and his technique needed a little work. I adjusted his suspension to a softer setting which seemed to help. We again rode down to the beach. Much like the Greenway, the beach was packed with people, ringing in New Years in a good way. By the time we got back it was about a two hour session. I thanked Jason for the ride as we made plans to do it again soon.
The rest of my New Years day was spent editing video, eating a Wawa dinner and spending more time contemplating where my life is going next. Ultimately peace, happiness, and being content are the goals that I am targeting. (who isn’t?) It’s just a matter of getting my mind in the right place to facilitate that outcome.
I have never been a fan of New Year resolutions. To me if you vow to make a change that is based on a day on the calendar, you aren’t serious about doing it. If you want to make a change, do it now or don’t do it at all. So my resolution which has already started, is to put more priority on what I need moving forward instead of pushing it to the back of the room where it may or may not be tended to.
My critical flaw is being a lifelong people pleaser. This trait is nice if you are the person on the receiving end of my generosity but the problem is when it is allowed to undermine/override things I require to be happy as well. I have known this about myself for decades and yet I still struggle to prioritize myself if there is another person in the equation. It’s something that I will have to continue to fight with to achieve some sort of balance. If one person is doing mostly giving while the other is doing mostly taking it ultimately leads to hurt feelings, conflict and multiple other negative scenarios. I have to reign it in.
This weekend I hope to fix the dishwasher and then turn my attention to getting the house back to normal. Any Christmas related items will be packed away and a number of things that had been changed/modified will now be put back to their original location. It will be a significant effort that will surely contain moments of pause. The good news is I have a 3 day weekend to make it all happen. Maybe when Christmas 2024 rolls around I will be opening the Christmas bins with a sense of hope and excitement that was missing this year.
After my scheduled live stream New Years Eve I hope to emerge into 2024 with an attitude that serves me, instead of mostly others.
